The Dissemination of Thought

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's intelligent…

Posts Tagged ‘WTF?

Screw you, Stan Lee: 3 things that comics lied to me about

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Those people at Marvel and DC Comics have some explaining to do for the lies they indoctrinated me with during my formative years.

Where the lies all began. Source: en.wikipedia.org

Comics misguided me into thinking that any 11-year-old boy could be a billionaire playboy by day and an angry vigilante with a latex fetish when the sun went down. They made me believe that women who ran around with a golden lasso while wearing knee-high hooker boots were of sound mind and available to date. Here’s an important safety tip: if a woman professes to own an invisible airplane, back away slowly.

A hot woman flying an invisible airplane should be a warning sign. Source: engadget.com

Let’s debunk 3 other childhood beliefs that came to be because of comics:

Belief 1: That wearing glasses and parting my hair on the side would keep my true identity safe.

A thick-rimmed pair of glasses and container of Brylcreem do not an alter ego make. If I threw on a beret and novelty nose/moustache combination I’d still be a giant, and I’d still get picked out of a police line-up in about four seconds. The only conclusion one can draw is that the residents of Metropolis were as dumb as fuck.

If Clark Kent had worked for a real newspaper, he would have been made as Superman the first time he took his glasses off to sing karaoke at an office function. Or when someone smarter than Lois Lane realised that he could always guess what underwear they had on, including the orange and gold crotchless number that they had custom made in Thailand.

Come on Clark, you aren’t fooling anyone. Source: toptenz.net

Belief 2: That wearing my underwear on the outside would make me popular and sexually appealing to women.

Publicly displaying your undergarments – especially when they are worn over your jeans at the railway station – is not socially acceptable behaviour. Doing so will make you about as popular as that one monkey at the zoo that insists on flinging its faeces at the other inhabitants of the enclosure.

As for using exposed briefs as a visual aid to help seduce a woman, I now know that capsicum spray and my eyes can never be friends. Apparently women don’t find a guy in underpants curled up while frantically rubbing his eyes sexy. Go figure.

Dude, you are 43. Just don't do it. Source: mooshoo.tumblr.com

Belief 3: That being bitten by a radioactive spider and shooting stuff from my wrists would allow me to climb walls.

There are two problems with this premise. The first is the belief that radioactive spiders with a proclivity for biting unsuspecting students are in plentiful abundance. Unless your high school is based somewhere near Chernobyl, they aren’t.

A grown man in lycra with a camera: creepy. Source: marvel.com

The second – and most critical – issue is that public excretions from any part of your body are frowned upon by society. Wearing a mask and skin-tight costume while you egest will only exacerbate the problem. Had Peter Parker walked around in real life ejaculating an unidentified sticky substance from his wrists, he would have been tasered, incarcerated and put onto a myriad of lists and registers before he got five feet off the ground.

So, Stan Lee, screw you. Your tales of deceit have not aided my quest to find horny superhero groupies who find grown men wearing Batman underpants desirable. Further to this small grievance, I still can’t fly.

What did comics – or other children’s literature – lie to you about?

Author’s note: for the sake of this post, comics have been deemed children’s reading material. Deal with it.

The Caveman Batman? No wonder I’m confused. Source: myhumors99.com

 

Written by disseminatedthought

December 18, 2011 at 15:44

Man-whores, smut and Jabba the Hutt

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Analysing the phrases that people enter into search engines to end up at The Dissemination of Thought never ceases to be a constant source of amusement to me. The void between what I deduce they were hoping to find and where they actually landed is a chasm that has to cause them significant disappointment and confusion while they reassess their deviant perquisition. Was the person who searched for “boobs in a puppet stage” dismayed when they failed to find hardcore marionette sex? Did the individual who googled “germain greer strippers” want to locate any gentlemen’s clubs owned by the feminist?

As a tribute to those who inadvertently discovered TDoT, I’m going to examine four search terms that have made me laugh.

Author’s note: what you see below is exactly what people typed into their search engines to end up at TDoT. Don’t whinge and bitch about the spelling and grammatical errors.

“miss piggy sex tape”

This would be the logical next step after the sex tape leak. Source: verybadfrog.com

Come on people, bestiality is just wrong. When you get to the point of seeking out puppet pornography, it’s time to question what you’re doing with your life. What’s next? Searches for SpongeBob SquarePants banging one of the Powerpuff Girls?

I can’t believe I found this photo. Actually, I can’t believe I searched for it in the first place. Source: funnyordie.com

gigolo

I bet they were disappointed when their search for a man-whore landed them here. That said, if they still visit The Dissemination of Thought, they should definitely drop me a line: I’m willing to consider all proposals, except those of marriage.

badwrap sex

I’m not sure about this one. Perhaps they were searching for advice on how to remove oneself from the confines of poorly wrapped cling film after an intimate encounter. Hey, stranger things have happened.

liberal david barker jabba the hut

When I alluded to the similarity between wannabe politician David Barker and a Star Wars villain in God: Liberal Candidate for Chifely, I assumed that I was the only one whose sense of humour was warped enough to make the connection. To my surprise, the search terms tracker shows that several people were linking the mental image of everyone’s favourite Tatooine resident with the views of a narrow-minded religious bigot when the googled. Further adding to my surprise was the fact that I never received any hate mail or notifications of pending legal action for the aforementioned piece.

Jabba considers the opinion of one of his constituents. Source: starwars.com

What are the most perverse search terms that people have used to find you in the blogosphere?

When did ludicrous sporting attire become socially acceptable?

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When did looking like Reebok marketing team’s wet dream become the status quo for recreational sport? At what point was simply throwing on a pair of sneakers and heading out for a run no longer deemed exercise? While I’m not sure that there is any discernible physiological advantage to having an iPod or GPS navigation on your run, it seems that unless you’ve left the house adorned in Adidas or looking like you have signed a lucrative endorsement deal with Nike, you just aren’t serious about your sport. 

Let’s have a look at four recreational sports where the outfits are now officially out there:

 1. Golf

 Go to any golf club and observe the attire of the serious members, and you’ll be forgiven for thinking that you’ve landed on Mars during Faux Pas Fashion Week.  You’ll be surrounded by loud shirts, paisley pants and striped vests, none of which will make guy chastising you for playing too slowly seem more cheerful. 

 I’m sorry, but does the knitted hat with the pompom really help your tee shot? 

Does that guy have a golfing manbag? Source: sodahead.com

2. Cycling

I wish I was blind. Source: worldofcrussle.com

I’ll never understand those cyclists who ride once or twice a week, yet seem compelled to own more equipment than most Tour de France competitors.  Sure, your bike is a carbon fibre masterpiece and looks like it was designed by NASA, but what the hell is up with your outfit?  How can someone who is happy to outlay hundreds of dollars for matching riding shoes and gloves not have a mirror with which to appraise themselves before leaving the house?  Nothing puts you off a latte quite like having to observe a pale, hairy stomach escaping the confines of a skin-tight jersey while its pudgy owner attacks a caramel macchiato and a muffin the size of grapefruit.

Even he wouldn’t wear some of the shit that recreational cyclists go out in. Source: businessreviewaustralia.com

 3. Running 

Whoever designed running accessories to accommodate iPods, mobile phones and portable navigation units has a lot to answer for.  If you don’t take your iPhone, Nano and six different types of monitoring equipment with you on your morning run, you aren’t a serious jogger.  Are your shoes worth less than $300 and not monogrammed with your initials?  Don’t bother turning up: you’ll just be ostracised by the other members of your running group.

If only this was the worst running ensemble I’d ever seen... Source: weddingbycolor.com

4. Tennis 

Source: losing-pounds.net

There’s a woman in the adjacent building who takes her tennis very, very seriously.  When she’s on the court, she could pass for the love child of Björn Borg and Maria Sharapova.  Everything in her playing ensemble – including the sweatbands that grace her head and wrists – is white, and she emits a grunt while serving that would terrify rutting stags.

My question to her is this: when you have only travelled thirty metres from your apartment for the match, is there really any need for a full bag of equipment that includes several racquets?

To my tennis-loving neighbour: when you’ve won Wimbledon, you can have the headband back. Source: au.sports.yahoo.com

When it comes to sporting outfits, the do’s and don’ts are unquestionably clear cut.  If you are an Olympian or on any sort of professional tour, do wear whatever you want.  If you’re 52, overweight and have spent $10,000 on a bike to try and recapture your youth, don’t subject the unsuspecting public to your sweaty, lycra-clad crisis.

Written by disseminatedthought

December 13, 2011 at 15:57

Pondering life’s big questions, 375mL at a time…

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There are a myriad of questions in life that beg to be answered.  Will I ever find true love?  What’s the meaning of life?  Why do I keep reading The Dissemination of Thought?  Today’s TDoT post seeks elucidation on another of life’s mysteries.  A conundrum that has never been examined until 9:47am on 12 December, 2011.

Exhibit A: the can causing me the confusion.

This can of Coke is seemingly identical to the dozens of others that have resided in my refrigerator over the past 11 months.  It holds 375mL of sugar-saturated liquid and reminds me that had I purchased it in South Australia, I’d be entitled to a 10c refund.  The characteristic that differentiates this can from those that have gone before it baffles me.  It’s empty.  Logic would dictate that I must have put it back after I’d finished it, but my motive for doing so eludes me.

Why the hell is there an empty can of Coke in my refrigerator? 

What’s the strangest thing you’ve found somewhere that it shouldn’t be?

Written by disseminatedthought

December 12, 2011 at 10:29

3 things that should never be dressed up

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Everyone has a limit. A line that, if crossed, causes one to leap into action to try and right perceived wrongs. It turns out that my limit is faux reindeer antlers on cars. And trucks. And taxis. What the hell is going on? Why do people feel it’s necessary to adorn inanimate objects and innocent children with shit that they would never consider subjecting themselves to?

Let’s look at my top three:

1. Motor vehicles

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Honda Source: behurop.net78.net

I’ll try to make this as concise as possible. Decorating a car for Red Nose Day is a good thing. Garnishing your Prius with plastic antlers and a bulbous proboscis so it resembles an arctic mammal isn’t. Sure, it’s festive, but it’s also fucking ridiculous.

Author’s note: I know you’re going to click on the above link. While you’re there, please make a donation to SIDS research. To prove that I’m happy to put my money where my mouth – or at least keyboard – is, if this post gets 10 reader comments, The Dissemination of Thought will donate $25 to this fantastic cause.

2. Pets

I’ve already expressed my bewilderment at pet owners who dress up their pooches in tutus and tiny tuxedos. To those individuals, I offer this advice: the people peering over top of their chai lattes and mugachinos don’t think that Chi-Chi’s three-piece puppy suit is to die for; they’re actually weighing up the probability that you keep severed human heads in the freezer.

I’m sorry, but this is just disturbing. Source: cu2nite.com.au

3. Children

Just because it’s “adorable” doesn’t mean you should run with it. Source: socyberty.com

It’s bad enough that your little darlings have to live with you calling them Summer Raine, A’meelya or Tangerine. Don’t rub salt into a gaping wound by parading them around in stupid outfits for all to see. If you do dress them up and then produce the photos on their 21st birthday for laughs, they will suffocate you with a pillow while you sleep. Or firmly lodge a tangerine in your throat.

He’s not tired. He’s plotting your death. Source: blogs.smarter.com

Written by disseminatedthought

December 7, 2011 at 09:10

Diamond rings and perplexing things

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There is no prepared TDoT post today per se, it’s more of an impromptu reaction to a conversation I overhead on the bus this morning between a woman who became engaged overnight, and a friend of hers who wasn’t yet aware of the situation. Perhaps the bride to be is yet to update her relationship status on Facebook.

For ease of identification, we will call the one with the ring Miss Engagee. Her ashen-haired, nodding sidekick is Enabling Friend.

If it wasn’t already hard enough for guys to figure out what the hell women want, hearing the following exchange amidst a flurry of squeals and animated hand gestures raised the bar another four inches.

Enabling Friend: “Oh babe, you must be so excited!”
Miss Engagee: “I was thinking about breaking up with him, but this ring is beautiful.”
Enabling Friend: “You’d probably have to give it back if you split.”

With that sort of logic, what chance do we have?

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry on my BlackBerry Bold 9700

Written by disseminatedthought

December 6, 2011 at 07:59

How to ensure that you never have to sit beside someone on the bus again

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If, like me, you utilise public transport to get you where you need to go, you understand the joy that a vacant adjacent seat brings. That feeling that comes knowing you won’t have to spend your journey sitting beside someone who believes that regular bathing is so 90s. The warming of your cockles when you realise that the dickhead who feels compelled to read the broadsheet newspaper during peak hour has decided not to take refuge next to you. That smug contentment that can only be achieved by convincing other commuters that sitting beside you would be a poor idea.

I must admit, I never really have a problem with people wanting to sit beside me: as a 6’5″ giant who is – as someone once eloquently put it – “two and a half pick handles across”, folks generally tend to avoid sitting beside me at all costs. Even if it means standing up for the trip and gazing longingly at the vacant seat beside me, much to my narcissistic mirth.

If you don’t have the physical characteristics – and some would suggest sociopathic disposition – to persuade other travellers that you’re a corporate version of Michael Myers, there are options to ensure that the seat beside you remains empty for the rest of your travelling days.

See, it works every time.

Strategy 1 – Be smellier than anyone who may attempt to sit beside you

This is a strong hand to play, as it requires you to potentially be more olfactorily offensive than the wannabe hippie who just got on. While this method may guarantee you peaceful passage to work, it’s also more than likely to also be catalyst for your impromptu meeting with HR upon arriving at the office.

For beginners, I suggest bluffing: as someone approaches for ass position beside you, take a whiff under your arms and feign mortified disgust.

Strategy 2 – Talk to yourself

By engaging in meaningful dialogue with yourself, you will give the masses a reason to avoid you. If you really want to ramp it up, try arguing with yourself, and be sure to include “I hate it when you try to tell you that you’re right, and you have to stop trying to convince us that our opinion is always wrong!” For added effect, turn your head to the left for one side of the conversation, and reverse when playing the other you.

Strategy 3 – Use the odd profanity

"Do you want to...VAGINA...sit here?" Source: fattita.tumblr.com

I’m not talking about going old-school sailor for the duration of your journey, I’m   advocating sitting in silence while looking straight ahead, occasionally blurting out a random “cock” or “clitoris”.  For Deuce Bigalow fans, you may wish to embrace bellowing “vulva”.

Author’s note: I’m writing this piece en route to Toowoomba, and I’ve just discovered that “clitoris” isn’t in the dictionary in my BlackBerry. How odd.

 

 

Strategy 4 – Scratch yourself constantly

No one likes a scratcher.  That person who continually attempts to scrape off the first few dermal layers, regardless of their surroundings, in order to try and ease the itch.  As such, my hypothesis is that no sane individual would make a concerted attempt to sit beside the aforementioned. The result?  You, ogling the fabric on the vacant seat beside you for the remainder of your trip.

If you really want to get into character for the charade, you can sprinkle itching powder onto strategic locations, including your head and nether regions.  I guess that you could always catch something of which incessant scratching and a rash are indications of, but as per Strategy 1, this may be a little dramatic.

Strategy 5 – Lick the window closest to you 

This one is pretty self-explanatory: who the fuck wants to sit beside someone who passes their time on public transport by running their tongue over glass that has had tens of thousands of dirty, sweaty heads, arms and miscellaneous body parts lean against it?

A vacant seat: no lightsaber required. Source: starwars.wikia.com

Written by disseminatedthought

December 4, 2011 at 15:49