The Dissemination of Thought

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's intelligent…

Posts Tagged ‘WordPress

A phone bill paid, an accolade and crazy searches folks have made

with 20 comments

I really need to pay more attention to my list of things to do. As I was paying my almost-overdue mobile phone bill this morning, I realised that I’d neglected to thank someone for throwing some blogging award affection my way.

Carrie from The Write Transition has nominated me for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award and, as with any accolade in the blogging world, there is a list of things I am obliged to do as a recipient. One of the duties is to expose 7 things about myself to those of you staring at your screens with drunken and sleep-deprived eyes. The other task is to bestow the Very Inspiring Blogger Award on 14 individuals of my choosing. Unfortunately, I’m going to fulfil neither responsibility. I’m going to mix it up and do my own thing.

Instead of giving you mundane facts about myself, I’ve decided to share 7 recent search terms that have guided disturbed perverts lost souls to The Dissemination of Thought.

how to sit beside someone you dislike

That’s easy. It’s called alcohol. In the unlikely event that a bottle of vodka doesn’t make the person to your right more bearable, I advocate flinging faeces at them. Childish and disgusting? Yes. Effective? Absolutely.

thalia sextaped

Well, that would explain why my Muse was missing in action last year.

sex you’re doing it wrong

You are if you’ve numbed your hand before using lipstick and a Sharpie to make it look like that girl in your English Literature tutorial.

Remember: you can’t have sex while there’s no one else in the room.

This is definitely doing it wrong. Source: passthemike.tumblr.com

show me ur dick guys

Slow down, sailor. You’ll have to buy me a drink first. And promise not to laugh.

the gigolo – dumb as a bag of sex toys.

Ladies and gentlemen, it would appear that we have a man-whore hater in our midst.

I don't know, that bag looks pretty smart... Source: techdigest.tv

batman fucks wonder woman animation

Do you think Batman carries condoms on his utility belt?

Superman: "Sure, you were just helping him find his batarang." Source: All rights reserved by MargieC1022 via Flickr.

penis burn picture cam inside penis

I’d probably consult a urologist about that. Quickly. I know it will be expensive, but trying to shove a webcam up your urethra to save money won’t help.

As far as my Very Inspiring Blogger Award nominations go, I’ve got 3. Sure, I could list 14 like the rules dictate, but you and I both know you won’t click on all 14. That being the case, I’d rather just tell you about a few blogs that fly under the radar and genuinely deserve recognition.

unrelentingamee – Amee is passionate about writing. Good writing. We bounce a lot of ideas and random thoughts off each other, and she’s one of the very few people whose opinion I trust enough to let read my work before I publish it.

the4gottenman – This blogger’s work is insightful, honest and often incredibly introspective. Besides that, he’s been one of my closest friends for well over a decade, which is no mean feat: I’m a pain in the ass to tolerate.

50 Items or Less – I was actually introduced to this blog by Amee. The brainchild of Ian Little, it’s all about mini sagas: a story told in exactly 50 words. While I love the concept of “less can be more” and uncluttered writing, the 50 word aspect reminded me of my attempt to rewrite Green Eggs and Ham using just 50 unique words. Check out Ian’s personal blog here.

A random Grammy. Source: punchbowlblog.com

I’d like to sincerely thank Carrie for the award. If you haven’t already read her work on The Write Transition, click here right now to check it out.

If you want to keep up to date with all things The Dissemination of Thought, follow me on Twitter (@LyndonKeane) or like the Facebook page.

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The quest for Pressed and ABCs with “B” for breasts

with 23 comments

I’ll admit it. Things got a little bit crazy. Things got forgotten/thrown in a giant pile of shit to do. As it turns out, one of my favourite bloggers was in the pile of stuff I had to do. Metaphorically speaking, of course, not literally.

Freshly Pressed: it's not just about garnishes.

Amidst the unadulterated bedlam that was being Freshly Pressed, Chrystalyn at The Future of Hope bestowed upon me the Awesome Blog Content Award, in recognition of, well, my awesomeness? My ability to stuff up an idiot-proof baking project? My sunny disposition and willingness to tolerate those stupider than I? Okay, it’s definitely not the last one: my threshold for dumbass is shoelace high. At any rate, because of the ludicrous number of comments, emails, texts and telephone calls that the pressing generated, I haven’t had any time to fulfil my duties as an ABC Award recipient.

Author’s note: in the above sentence, “I haven’t had any time” can be freely substituted with “I forgot”.

Basically, in order to ensure that I don’t come across as a complete asshole in accepting the award, I need to:

1. Thank the person that gave me the award, and then provide the very clichéd link to their blog.
2. Work my way through the alfalfabet alphabeet alphabet, choosing a word that starts with each letter to describe me. That’s right: Lyndon in 26 words. How scary is that?
3. Throw the blogging love around by nominating my own awardees.

Virtual flowers: the shittiest thank you gift ever. Source: flowersdepotonline.com

Chrystalyn is awesome and she knows it. I was going to give her a choice between flowers and chocolates to say thank you, but the latter mysteriously disappeared while I was writing this piece. On a totally unrelated note, Lindt Excellent 85% Cocoa chocolate is amazing. Where was I? Oh, yeah, Chrystalyn. As I publish this, The Future of Hope has 153 subscribers. I want that number to be at least 200 by the end of the weekend, because her writing is as funny as fuck. She’s incredibly creative, and has a cheeky, warped sense of humour. Check her work out for yourself, I guarantee that you won’t be disappointed.

Let’s look at the Lyndon alphabet of descriptive words.

Asshole or Arrogant (six of one, half a dozen of the other.)
Breasts*
Charming (when I want/need something.)
Dystopian
Eating (Chrystalyn’s chocolate.)
Freakish
Glockenspiel (I know it’s an instrument, but I’ve always thought the name sounded dirty and amusing, even as a 9-year-old.)
Habitual
Intense
Jocund
Kitsch
Lazy (because I couldn’t be bothered coming up with an awesome word beginning with “L”.)
Maniacal
Narcissistic
Observer
Patronising
Quesadilla (I love Mexican food.)
Resourceful
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (take that, Mary Poppins.)
Taunted
Ubiquitous
Vodka-fuelled
Whingy
Xanax (if you read this blog for long enough, you’re going to need it.)
Yawning (it’s almost 1:45am.)
Zestless

* Another author’s note: breasts needed to be included, because not only are they wonderful from a physiological perspective, they just make the world a better place in which to live.

Now, the blogs that I think deserve their very own ABC Awards:

Mid Life Ranting – His satirical approach is fantastic; he’s insightful and angry, and manages to incorporate intellectual rants into amusing pieces.

The Skinny Jeans and Starbucks Chronicles – I only discovered Karen’s blog a few days ago, but she’s a gifted writer who engages her audience with ease. This snippet is from her latest piece:

But long gone are those archaic days of 17 chicken and buffalo dowries and your mother-in-law picking out your wedding night trousseau. These days arranged marriages work differently. There’s Facebook stalking prior to the meet and city bylaws against hoarding chickens and buffaloes in your backyard. And if I thought I had very little true knowledge of arranged marriage in my parents’ generation, then I knew absolutely nothing about arranged marriages in this day and age.

Suburban Enlightenment – She blogs about asshats (I’m not going to try to explain this) and openly discusses her husband’s nuts with the blogging universe.

I Can’t High Five – Tennille describes herself as “…blunt, direct and bossy, with no tone, a lack of social prompts and an inability to high-five.” Further to all of these things, she’s also a writer whose work makes me laugh.

As well as thanking Chrystalyn again for the award, I wanted to express my sincere gratitude to all of you, the clowns who keep coming back for more and more of my confusing, narcissistic rants. Without you guys and girls, I’d just be talking to myself. And commenting on my own posts in the third person, all while subscribing to The Dissemination of Thought under a dodgy alias like Snatch Baggins.

Written by disseminatedthought

February 5, 2012 at 01:35

Elmo and blow, dicks like bats and realebrity tats: 11 more terms to make you squirm

with 32 comments

We’ve looked at the strange shit people have searched for to eventually end up in my little piece of the blogosphere before. Twice, actually. But due to a somewhat melancholic nonchalance that has enveloped me, I find myself severely lacking the motivation or inclination to create something deep, insightful and controversial. I could come up with a dirty limerick about a man named Jock, but I’d rather attempt to get inside the heads of the individuals who have provided me with my latest batch of amusing – and stupefying – search terms. As they say, the third time’s a charm.

For those new readers to The Dissemination of Thought, the previous dalliances into weird and wonderful search phrases can be found below:

”Man-whores, smut and Jabba the Hutt”

”Cartoons without clothes and Sesame Street blow”

peter griffin likes cocaine nipples

Of course he does, who wouldn’t?

The Dissemination of Thought: it’s all about breast and blow references. Source: tbs.com

I’m considering renaming this blog The Dissemination of Dodgy Peter Griffin Search Terms, based purely on the overwhelming number of hits I get with obscure references to the testicle-chinned one. I’m not kidding. In the past few months, I’ve had “peter griffin peeing”, “peter griffin pretty eyes” and “peter griffin in [insert outfit of your choice: army outfit and Donald Duck costume seem to be popular]” as the standouts amongst a plethora of Family Guy-themed search terms.

You watch: “peter griffin jumper leads on nipples” will be a search term next month. Source: squidoo.com

what is the mayans the end of internet

The word on the street suggests that some bad shit is going to go down on 21 December this year, but this shouldn’t have any impact on your internet plan, unless of course, our new zombie overlords decide to limit your monthly allocation down to 3 GB.

Download speeds got a lot a better on 22 December. Source: forums.hak5.org

The internet will not cease to exist if the Mayans were right: zombies need Wikipedia and online porn just like the rest of us.

prehistoric animals during the time of the mayas

My guess would be that there were very, very few, but I’m assuming you need to expand that answer out to about 1,500 words. If you need definitive clarification, you should probably ask Kristen over at Intelligent Life – she’s fantastic at sharing serious stuff about science, history and the universe in a witty light.

If you’re still too fucking lazy to do your own research, just say that a Mayan temple was used as the visitor centre in Jurassic Park, and then make a vague reference to a Tyrannosaurus. Hell, say it was in Jurassic Park III: no one saw that anyway.

the cat in the hat sad

The Cat in the Hat wasn’t sad. How could it be with such an awesome headpiece? Depressed moggies don’t make for amusing book subjects; who wants to read about The Feline in the Fedora with the Fluoxetine?

Source: halloweencostumes.org

penis 40 cm fuck

I suddenly feel astonishingly inadequate.

You know you’re well –endowed when your dick has its own chair. Source: iansblogoflife.blogspot.com

is dissemination of thought funny?

Absolutely. Go forth and spread the word. Oh, and when you say funny, make sure people realise you mean funny “haha” and not funny “peculiar”.

tattoo pauly d jersey shore

Is there a chance this vexing search phrase came to be as a result of someone doing a research project on the ink and body art of people who have contributed to making 21st century society a dumber place to be?

In the event that some incredibly perturbed individual actually wants to adorn themselves with a permanent tribute to this realebrity*, I offer this advice: tattoos last forever. So does stupid.

* Author’s note: I coined the term “realebrity” as an alternative to referring to reality TV stars as celebrities.

realebrity /riˈælɛbrɪti/

noun

1. a person devoid of any discernible talent, ability or personality, who attempts to overcome this by appearing on a reality television program with a ridiculous tan.
2. Paul DelVecchio, or any other cast member of Jersey Shore.
3. Anyone with the surname Kardashian.

Am I the only one who’s disturbed? Source: thegloss.com

colour

Out of curiosity, I typed “colour” into Google and let it do its thing. It returned about 846,000,000 results. Yep, eight hundred and forty-six million. Using that incredibly vague search term, just how long did it take you to come across The Dissemination of Thought? Did you start your search in 1998?

nazi dinos

What the fuck? Velociraptors loyal to Hitler?

A pissed off reptile with a canon: the perfect gift for the sociopathic dictator who has it all. Source: kotaku.com.au

reality television fucked society

Yes. Yes it did. I couldn’t have said it more succinctly myself.

elmo smoker

When I first saw this search term, I was mystified. Surely Elmo isn’t a smoker. Not only is he inanimate, he’s comprised mainly of fur and felt, so voluntarily exposing himself to naked flames via a nicotine addiction doesn’t seem like an overly sagacious decision. That said, given that puppets don’t have lungs, his odds of succumbing to emphysema or lung cancer are pretty remote.

Based on the photographic evidence below, a Light Me Up Elmo toy may already be in the final stages of production.

“Elmo likes menthols!” Source: homelessmanspeaks.com

With the sheer number of ridiculous new phrases that appear each week for me to mull over, I’m confident that this will not be the last search term-themed post on The Dissemination of Thought. Besides, the eccentric folks searching for cartoon characters urinating, prodigious penises and chain-smoking Sesame Street puppets like it when we talk about them.

10 facts, some fun and a Tommy gun

with 12 comments

Nataly at Snippets and Glimpses has nominated The Dissemination of Thought for the Kreativ Blogger Award, which means that another poor soul has succumbed to my apparent charm and frequently imbecilic, incoherent rantings. Thank you Nataly, we will get you the help that you need to get through this difficult time.

The first condition of accepting the award is that I promulgate 10 things that no one knows about me. Given that my life is a pretty open – albeit coffee-stained, dog-eared – book, I’m doubtful that there are ten unique, unknown facts about yours truly. At any rate, let’s try these on for size:

1. I’m the eldest of 3 boys. I know, my poor mother. Funnily enough, being the eldest doesn’t automatically predicate that you are the most responsible.
2. I once tore a new DVD player to pieces because it stopped working with a disc I wanted still inside. I bet the stupid $30 DVD player didn’t see that coming.

I really, really wanted that disc back.

3. The Dissemination of Thought will be getting its own domain name in 2012.
4. I’ve never touched a cigarette, but I have been known to indulge with the occasional Cuban cigar.
5. Unlike my mother, I firmly believe that ice cream and beer constitute a nutritious meal.
6. I would have enjoyed growing up during the 20s and 30s. Had this been possible, I assume that my chosen career path would have included a fedora, bootlegging and a Tommy gun.
7. My wallet currently contains $16.20 and a $5 casino chip.
8. I dislike magpies with a passion. I wouldn’t say that I’m fearful of them, but I will go well out of my normal way during breeding season to avoid the black and white kamikaze fuckers.
9. I loathe poor spelling and grammar; the way Kreativ is spelt in this award shits me to tears.
10. I just spilt strawberry flavoured milk on my desk. Son of a bitch.

Part two/2/II/dos of acceptance process involves nominating 6 blogs that I believe are deserving of the Kreativ Blogger Award. Following suit on my recommendations when I received the Versatile Blogger Award and 7 x 7 Link Award, I’m not going to give you a run down on the blogs; I follow them and always find the pieces posted amusing, so I’m anticipating that you will, too.

1. Mid Life Ranting
2. spectaculardisaster
3. What Party?
4. Girl on the Contrary
5. Liquorstore Bear
6. thehoneyhouse

A big thank you once again to Nataly at Snippets and Glimpses for the nomination. If you haven’t discovered her blog already, click here and the magic of technology will transport you there. It’s like having your own TARDIS, but not quite as cool.

Source: thestylehouse.ca

Written by disseminatedthought

January 5, 2012 at 11:02

The Link and my discreetly placed ink

with 10 comments

The Dissemination of Thought has won a Grammy! Well, not quite. But considering my total lack of musical ability, this fabrication is probably as close as I’ll ever come to acquiring a little gilded gramophone. Unless I steal one from Eminem.

Heather from HeatherChristenaSchmidt.com has bestowed upon me the 7 x 7 Link Award, which means that in addition to thanking her profusely for referring people to my blog, I need to revisit 7 TDoT posts and offer them for critiquing by other readers; also, I’m meant to divulge a fact about myself that isn’t common knowledge. While I self-flagellate and determine which of my previous posts I want you to read, I suggest you go and check out Heather’s blog. It’s called The B(itch)Log. Clever, isn’t it? Go on, I’ll wait here for you.

A purposeless fact about me that readers of The Dissemination of Thought may not know:

I have a tattoo. I came up with the concept myself, and the artist made the necessary changes to make it work in the transition from paper to pale skin. It took four hours from start to finish, which is a painfully long time to sit in one place, especially when your attention span is as short as mine.

If you’re in Brisbane and looking to have work done, I suggest you give Bernie at Wild at Heart Tattoo a call.

Most Beautiful

I don’t really do beautiful per se, but I wrote this piece as a tribute to my grandmother, following her passing in November.

Most Helpful

”Petworking: a paw-ly written piece about why felines don’t need Facebook…” helped people understand the pet owners who think that every feline should have a Facebook profile. And play FarmVille.

Most Popular

Based on the number of comments, ”Diamond Rings and perplexing things” gets this gong. Who would have thought that a five minute bus ride would generate so much interest?

Most Controversial

It was one of my earliest posts, but in ”Creationists get on the floor, everybody Walk the Dinosaur”, I questioned why school children were being taught that Adam and Eve weren’t eaten by dinosaurs because they were under a protective spell. I shit you not.

Most Surprisingly Successful

This one goes to “Why I wanted to throw an Oompa-Loompa off a moving ferry: blogging from the BlackBerry”. It would appear that I’m not the only one who finds screaming munchkins and poor parenting irritating.

Most Underrated

I’ve given this one to ”Strippers, beer and Germaine Greer: why the sex industry gets a bad wrap”, which looks at the narrow-minded personal views that people form about strippers and others sex industry workers. I thought it would be more popular than it was, but maybe it just proves that no one ever types “Germaine Greer” and “sex” in the same Google search.

Most Pride-Worthy

I can sum up ”They say any sex is good sex, so why doesn’t it apply to marriage?” in one word: equality.

I could give you my abridged thoughts on the 7 blogs that I’m nominating for the 7 x 7 Link Award, but checking them out on your own will be more fun. And involve less work for me. What’s the risk? I personally think these blogs are awesome. So should you.

Author’s note: I can’t be responsible if you don’t find things awesome. Blame your parents. Or that gap on the shelf where your sense of humour should be.

That’s Just Ridiculous
Impassioned Rantings of an Unbalanced Mind
healthytakeover
The Sonia Show
Pasta for One
frugalistablog
Solomonian

For those readers who haven’t yet done so, please follow me at The Dissemination of Thought Facebook page. It’s ridiculously easy to do. Just click this link. Then click on the Like button. It’s as simple as boiling an egg, without the scalding. And the egg.

“I’d like to thank the Academy…”

with 19 comments

As I was putting the finishing touches to today’s TDoT post about lycra and lattes, I got a message notifying me that I’d received a Versatile Blogger Award.

As with everything in life, the Versatile Blogger Award comes with some rules. Responsibilities, if you will. As a recipient, I need to:

  • Thank the person who gave me the award, and link this “acceptance speech” back to their blog.
  • Tell TDoT readers 7 things about myself.
  • Nominate 15 blogs that I enjoy for their own Versatile Blogger Award, and then include the appropriate links to their sites.
  • Contact the aforementioned nominees to advise them of the good news.

The first step is easy. I’d sincerely like to thank B.B.Darlington for bestowing the nomination upon me. It’s a great feeling to know that people other than yours truly like this blog. Is it too early for paid The Dissemination of Thought subscriptions?

Now, for 7 things about me.

1. I’m somewhat addicted to orange Tic Tacs.
2. I can cook, but I rarely do. I live in the middle of the city and have a diverse assortment of menus on my desk – why would I bother firing up the oven?
3. My freezer currently contains ice cubes, half a loaf of bread, vanilla ice cream and a bottle of vodka. The vodka won’t be in there for much longer.
4. I want to learn to play the guitar. I love music, but have no musical ability as far as I’m aware.
5. My favourite book of all time is Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell.
6. I love Converse sneakers. I have far too many pairs as it is, but I can’t stop buying them. I have a problem.
7. I loathe reality television.

The 15 blogs that I want you guys to find out about – if you haven’t already done so – are:

1. broadsofthebeltway
2. healthytakeover
3. Impassioned Rantings of an Unbalanced Mind
4. Miss Demure Restraint  Author’s note: she’s already got one of these awards, but deserves another.
5. missmaribelmaeve
6. PCC Advantage
7. Riding in Cars with Goats and Other Stories
8. Solomonian
9. Fiercly Yours
10. the daily dilemma
11. Virgin Vagina’s
12. Mud Junkie
13. One Bedroom Wonders
14. RentAMomma
15. Facehookin’

Now I could give you a synopsis about each site, or you could click on the links above and check them out for yourself. Stop being so fucking lazy.

Thank you once again to B.B.Darlington, as well as the rest of you who inflate my ego by reading The Dissemination of Thought.

Written by disseminatedthought

December 13, 2011 at 17:50

Confessions of a view stats junkie: I am a tagging gigolo

with 16 comments

In the wake of Tinkerbelle being called a blogging streetwalker, and with WordPress subtlety suggesting that I may be a little loose with my use of tags, the truth abruptly slapped me in the face with a rotting fish. I am a tagging whore.

Every time I publish a piece, WordPress politely and discreetly tells me how many tags I’ve defiled it with, only to then – in what seems to be virtual mocking – inform me that 10 the optimal number in order for readers to find TDoT. You know what, WordPress? It’s my blog and I’ll tag if I want to.

Author’s note: in order to achieve full visual impact, you need to read this while imagining Lesley Gore singing and yours truly throwing a temper tantrum.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’m also addicted to checking the view statistics for my blog. WordPress for BlackBerry has enabled this monkey on my back, allowing me to acquire a fix with childlike simplicity, regardless of where I am. I’ve found myself waking up in the middle of the night and reaching for my phone, all the while cognisant of the fact it’s three o’clock in the morning and that normal people are sleeping. Thank fuck for TDoT readers in different time zones.

I’m planning to ponder my addiction and whoring over the weekend. I’m going to ask myself the big questions. For now though, I need to track down a suitable pair of hooker boots, as well as locate a corner on which to stand and check how many people have viewed my blog while I’ve been posting this.

21 tags: sorry WordPress, but I’m a filthy, blogging strumpet.

“Does my bum look big in these boots?” Source: kaizan28.hubpages.com

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry on my BlackBerry Bold 9700