The Dissemination of Thought

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's intelligent…

Posts Tagged ‘The Cat in the Hat

Elmo and blow, dicks like bats and realebrity tats: 11 more terms to make you squirm

with 32 comments

We’ve looked at the strange shit people have searched for to eventually end up in my little piece of the blogosphere before. Twice, actually. But due to a somewhat melancholic nonchalance that has enveloped me, I find myself severely lacking the motivation or inclination to create something deep, insightful and controversial. I could come up with a dirty limerick about a man named Jock, but I’d rather attempt to get inside the heads of the individuals who have provided me with my latest batch of amusing – and stupefying – search terms. As they say, the third time’s a charm.

For those new readers to The Dissemination of Thought, the previous dalliances into weird and wonderful search phrases can be found below:

”Man-whores, smut and Jabba the Hutt”

”Cartoons without clothes and Sesame Street blow”

peter griffin likes cocaine nipples

Of course he does, who wouldn’t?

The Dissemination of Thought: it’s all about breast and blow references. Source: tbs.com

I’m considering renaming this blog The Dissemination of Dodgy Peter Griffin Search Terms, based purely on the overwhelming number of hits I get with obscure references to the testicle-chinned one. I’m not kidding. In the past few months, I’ve had “peter griffin peeing”, “peter griffin pretty eyes” and “peter griffin in [insert outfit of your choice: army outfit and Donald Duck costume seem to be popular]” as the standouts amongst a plethora of Family Guy-themed search terms.

You watch: “peter griffin jumper leads on nipples” will be a search term next month. Source: squidoo.com

what is the mayans the end of internet

The word on the street suggests that some bad shit is going to go down on 21 December this year, but this shouldn’t have any impact on your internet plan, unless of course, our new zombie overlords decide to limit your monthly allocation down to 3 GB.

Download speeds got a lot a better on 22 December. Source: forums.hak5.org

The internet will not cease to exist if the Mayans were right: zombies need Wikipedia and online porn just like the rest of us.

prehistoric animals during the time of the mayas

My guess would be that there were very, very few, but I’m assuming you need to expand that answer out to about 1,500 words. If you need definitive clarification, you should probably ask Kristen over at Intelligent Life – she’s fantastic at sharing serious stuff about science, history and the universe in a witty light.

If you’re still too fucking lazy to do your own research, just say that a Mayan temple was used as the visitor centre in Jurassic Park, and then make a vague reference to a Tyrannosaurus. Hell, say it was in Jurassic Park III: no one saw that anyway.

the cat in the hat sad

The Cat in the Hat wasn’t sad. How could it be with such an awesome headpiece? Depressed moggies don’t make for amusing book subjects; who wants to read about The Feline in the Fedora with the Fluoxetine?

Source: halloweencostumes.org

penis 40 cm fuck

I suddenly feel astonishingly inadequate.

You know you’re well –endowed when your dick has its own chair. Source: iansblogoflife.blogspot.com

is dissemination of thought funny?

Absolutely. Go forth and spread the word. Oh, and when you say funny, make sure people realise you mean funny “haha” and not funny “peculiar”.

tattoo pauly d jersey shore

Is there a chance this vexing search phrase came to be as a result of someone doing a research project on the ink and body art of people who have contributed to making 21st century society a dumber place to be?

In the event that some incredibly perturbed individual actually wants to adorn themselves with a permanent tribute to this realebrity*, I offer this advice: tattoos last forever. So does stupid.

* Author’s note: I coined the term “realebrity” as an alternative to referring to reality TV stars as celebrities.

realebrity /riˈælɛbrɪti/

noun

1. a person devoid of any discernible talent, ability or personality, who attempts to overcome this by appearing on a reality television program with a ridiculous tan.
2. Paul DelVecchio, or any other cast member of Jersey Shore.
3. Anyone with the surname Kardashian.

Am I the only one who’s disturbed? Source: thegloss.com

colour

Out of curiosity, I typed “colour” into Google and let it do its thing. It returned about 846,000,000 results. Yep, eight hundred and forty-six million. Using that incredibly vague search term, just how long did it take you to come across The Dissemination of Thought? Did you start your search in 1998?

nazi dinos

What the fuck? Velociraptors loyal to Hitler?

A pissed off reptile with a canon: the perfect gift for the sociopathic dictator who has it all. Source: kotaku.com.au

reality television fucked society

Yes. Yes it did. I couldn’t have said it more succinctly myself.

elmo smoker

When I first saw this search term, I was mystified. Surely Elmo isn’t a smoker. Not only is he inanimate, he’s comprised mainly of fur and felt, so voluntarily exposing himself to naked flames via a nicotine addiction doesn’t seem like an overly sagacious decision. That said, given that puppets don’t have lungs, his odds of succumbing to emphysema or lung cancer are pretty remote.

Based on the photographic evidence below, a Light Me Up Elmo toy may already be in the final stages of production.

“Elmo likes menthols!” Source: homelessmanspeaks.com

With the sheer number of ridiculous new phrases that appear each week for me to mull over, I’m confident that this will not be the last search term-themed post on The Dissemination of Thought. Besides, the eccentric folks searching for cartoon characters urinating, prodigious penises and chain-smoking Sesame Street puppets like it when we talk about them.

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When Green Eggs and Ham are cooked with lunacy in a can: I’m sorry, Dr Seuss…

with 41 comments

In the midst of riding on an espresso tsunami last week, I somehow accepted a dare from a friend at Mid Life Ranting to rewrite Green Eggs and Ham with my own troubling, incoherent twist. Note to self: starting drinking less coffee. And less vodka. Especially at the same time. Dr Seuss apparently wrote the original story to win a bet, which puts me and my caffeine-fuelled acceptance of a random dare in good company.

After spending almost 5 hours last night trying to comprehend, pull apart and then reconstruct the Dr Seuss masterpiece, I was about two or three words away from being sedated and hauled to far off places by medical professionals brandishing shackled jackets and hypodermic needles.

One of the acclaimed aspects of Green Eggs and Ham is that contains only 50 individual words that were juggled, repeated and shuffled to create the final product. I suggest that anyone who criticises it as being a simplistic children’s book attempts to pen their own engaging chronicle, using just 50 different words.

I couldn’t manage 50. After a lot of editing, rehashing and creative outbursts that bordered on temper tantrums, I finished my attempt with 56 individual words; kudos to you, Dr Seuss. The actual words are: a, ain’t, an, and, ass, bath, cannot, cold, corn, decision’s, die, dish, do, drink, fine, fish, from, glass, gold, grow, hail, horn, hot, I, in, is, it, kill, know, lack, like, milk, mine, no, not, or, pail, paint, pie, restraint, saint, served, shall, share, should, skol, stein, the, this, try, want, warm, will, with, would, yay.

Without further ado, I present Warm Milk and Paint.

Source: jonathanshipley.blogspot.com

Warm Milk and Paint

I ain’t a saint.
A Saint-I-Ain’t.

No Saint-I-Ain’t!
No Saint-I-Aint!
I lack restraint, a Saint-I-Ain’t!

Will I drink warm milk and paint?

I shall not skol it, a Saint-I-Ain’t.
I cannot drink warm milk and paint.

Do I want it hot or cold?

I do not want it hot or cold.
I do not want it served in gold.
I cannot drink warm milk and paint.
It will kill me, a Saint-I-Ain’t.

Would I drink it from a glass? Would I share it with an ass?

I would not drink it from a glass.
I would not share it with an ass.
I do not want it hot or cold.
I do not want it served in gold.
I cannot drink warm milk and paint.
It will kill me, a Saint-I-Aint.

Would I want it in a dish? Would I want it served with fish?

Not in a dish!
Not with a fish!
Not from a glass!
Not with an ass!
I do not want it hot or cold.
I do not want it served in gold.
I cannot drink warm milk and paint.
It will kill me, a Saint-I-Ain’t.

Would I, should I, from a stein? Drink it! Drink it! It is fine.

I would not, cannot, from a stein.

I should like it. I should try. I should drink it with a pie.

I will not, shall not, with a pie.
Not from a stein! Decision’s mine!
I do not want it in a dish.
I do not want it with a fish.
I do not want it from a glass.
I will not share it with an ass.
I do not want it hot or cold.
I do not want it served in gold.
I cannot drink warm milk and paint.
It will kill me, a Saint-I-Ain’t.

Will I, shall I, from a pail?

Not from a pail!
Not with a pie!
No from a stein!
Saint-I-Ain’t shall not die!

I would not, will not, in a dish.
I would not, will not, with a fish.
I cannot share it with an ass.
I cannot skol it from a glass,
I will not drink it hot or cold.
I will not like it served in gold.
I cannot drink warm milk and paint.
It will kill me, a Saint-I-Aint.

Yay! In the bath. Should I, would I, in the bath?

I cannot, will not, in the bath.

Should I, would I, in the hail?

I should not, would not, in the hail.
Not in the bath!
Not from a pail!
Not with a pie!
Not from a stein!
I cannot drink it, a Saint-I-Ain’t.
Not with a glass!
Not with an ass!
Not served with fish!
Not in a dish!
I will not drink it hot or cold.
I will not like it served in gold.
I cannot drink warm milk and paint.
It will kill me, a Saint-I-Aint.

Do I like warm milk and paint?

Like I do not, a Saint-I-Ain’t.

Should I, would I, served with corn?

I cannot, will not, served with corn.

Would I, should I, with a horn?

I will not, cannot, with a horn.
I should not, would not, served with corn.
I will not drink it in the hail.
I will not drink it from a pail.
Not in the bath!
Not with a pie!
Not from a stein! Decision’s mine!
I will not want it in a dish.
I will not like it served with fish.
I shall not drink it from a glass.
I shall not share it with an ass.
I will not drink it hot or cold.
I will not like it served in gold.

I cannot drink warm milk and paint.
It will kill me, a Saint-I-Aint.

I cannot drink it. This I know. Skol it! Skol it! I will grow. Skol it and I will grow, I know.

A Saint-I-Ain’t! I will drink it. Decision’s mine! I will skol it, from a stein.

Yay! I like warm milk and paint!
I like it, I do, a Saint-I-Aint!
And I will drink it with a horn.
And I will drink it served with corn.
I would drink it in the hail.
And it in the bath.
And from a pail.
And from a stein.
I will drink it served with pie.
It is fine, I shall not die!
I will drink it from a dish.
And I want it served with fish.
I shall skol it from a glass.
I will share it with an ass.
I will drink it hot or cold.
I will like it served in gold.

I do know I like warm milk and paint.
Restraint will kill, a Saint-I-Aint!

I know this isn't relevant to Green Eggs and Ham, but I really want that hat. Source: thesceneinto.com

Written by disseminatedthought

January 3, 2012 at 10:03