The Dissemination of Thought

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's intelligent…

Posts Tagged ‘sex

A phone bill paid, an accolade and crazy searches folks have made

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I really need to pay more attention to my list of things to do. As I was paying my almost-overdue mobile phone bill this morning, I realised that I’d neglected to thank someone for throwing some blogging award affection my way.

Carrie from The Write Transition has nominated me for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award and, as with any accolade in the blogging world, there is a list of things I am obliged to do as a recipient. One of the duties is to expose 7 things about myself to those of you staring at your screens with drunken and sleep-deprived eyes. The other task is to bestow the Very Inspiring Blogger Award on 14 individuals of my choosing. Unfortunately, I’m going to fulfil neither responsibility. I’m going to mix it up and do my own thing.

Instead of giving you mundane facts about myself, I’ve decided to share 7 recent search terms that have guided disturbed perverts lost souls to The Dissemination of Thought.

how to sit beside someone you dislike

That’s easy. It’s called alcohol. In the unlikely event that a bottle of vodka doesn’t make the person to your right more bearable, I advocate flinging faeces at them. Childish and disgusting? Yes. Effective? Absolutely.

thalia sextaped

Well, that would explain why my Muse was missing in action last year.

sex you’re doing it wrong

You are if you’ve numbed your hand before using lipstick and a Sharpie to make it look like that girl in your English Literature tutorial.

Remember: you can’t have sex while there’s no one else in the room.

This is definitely doing it wrong. Source: passthemike.tumblr.com

show me ur dick guys

Slow down, sailor. You’ll have to buy me a drink first. And promise not to laugh.

the gigolo – dumb as a bag of sex toys.

Ladies and gentlemen, it would appear that we have a man-whore hater in our midst.

I don't know, that bag looks pretty smart... Source: techdigest.tv

batman fucks wonder woman animation

Do you think Batman carries condoms on his utility belt?

Superman: "Sure, you were just helping him find his batarang." Source: All rights reserved by MargieC1022 via Flickr.

penis burn picture cam inside penis

I’d probably consult a urologist about that. Quickly. I know it will be expensive, but trying to shove a webcam up your urethra to save money won’t help.

As far as my Very Inspiring Blogger Award nominations go, I’ve got 3. Sure, I could list 14 like the rules dictate, but you and I both know you won’t click on all 14. That being the case, I’d rather just tell you about a few blogs that fly under the radar and genuinely deserve recognition.

unrelentingamee – Amee is passionate about writing. Good writing. We bounce a lot of ideas and random thoughts off each other, and she’s one of the very few people whose opinion I trust enough to let read my work before I publish it.

the4gottenman – This blogger’s work is insightful, honest and often incredibly introspective. Besides that, he’s been one of my closest friends for well over a decade, which is no mean feat: I’m a pain in the ass to tolerate.

50 Items or Less – I was actually introduced to this blog by Amee. The brainchild of Ian Little, it’s all about mini sagas: a story told in exactly 50 words. While I love the concept of “less can be more” and uncluttered writing, the 50 word aspect reminded me of my attempt to rewrite Green Eggs and Ham using just 50 unique words. Check out Ian’s personal blog here.

A random Grammy. Source: punchbowlblog.com

I’d like to sincerely thank Carrie for the award. If you haven’t already read her work on The Write Transition, click here right now to check it out.

If you want to keep up to date with all things The Dissemination of Thought, follow me on Twitter (@LyndonKeane) or like the Facebook page.

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When words are misheard: children’s television takes an erotic turn

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Hearing a presenter on Play School blurt out “my vagina’s sore” in the middle of a song aimed at kids gets your attention.  I stopped writing and spun around to focus on the TV.  There she was, in her purple pants and hot pink top, apparently bemoaning about aching genitals.  For a fleeting moment, afternoon programming on the ABC got raunchy.  Highly inappropriate for children, but raunchy and engaging nonetheless.  After watching her bounce around singing for another twenty or thirty seconds, I learnt two things:

  1. The lyrics were actually “like a dinosaur”.
  2. I need to get my hearing checked.  Soon.

Okay, it’s fairly obvious that I need to pay more attention to things, but the mix up made me reminiscing about my favourite childhood television characters, and what would have happened to them had they developed in real life, albeit with a dark, non-PG twist.

Miss Piggy had to endure a leaked sex tape

Source: muppet.wikia.com

Disillusioned with the industry after an extended hiatus, Miss Piggy attempted to move back into the spotlight with several appearances at A-list parties.  Having failed to convince television executives that she deserved her own Nigella-like cooking show, she did what any aspiring D-list celebrity does to gain notoriety: feigned shock and embarrassment when a poorly-lit video of her fucking an NFL quarterback went viral.

A Miss Piggy sex tape: it’s not that hard to imagine. Source: muppet.wikia.com

Cookie Monster discovered hash brownies

Source: muppet.wikia.com

Over stuffing his face with chocolate chip cookies to amuse snotty-nosed children, Cookie Monster diversified his palate and discovered magic brownies.  In what was described as nothing more than a coincidence, he also discovered Doritos.  Desperate for money to finance his $1,500-a-day brownie habit, he reinvented himself as Munchie Monster and began hosting a breakfast radio show in San Francisco.

“Do you want a cookie? Do you want a cookie?” Source: muppet.wikia.com

Count von Count would have succumbed to Twilight hysteria

As a result of pissing everyone off with his incessant counting, and because he’s just not as hot as Edward, Twihards turned on our favourite childhood vampire with stakes while waiting for the premiere of the twenty-eighth movie.   In an ironic twist, the Count seemed to enjoy tallying his stab wounds as he died.

Source: muppet.wikia.com

AnimalTV 

He’s a drummer.  He eats glass.  He’s the puppet embodiment of rock and roll debauchery.

Source: muppet.wikia.com

Animal would have ended up in an exclusive Hollywood rehab clinic before being offered his own reality show, in which he mentors percussion prodigies and offers words of wisdom about how to explain being caught snorting cocaine off a toilet cistern.

In all likelihood, Animal was the one who leaked Miss Piggy’s sex tape, after waking up naked in a puddle of his own vomit and discovering it on his iPhone.

“You don’t mess with Animal.  He eats glass, man.” – Frank Oz 

What would have happened to Kermit?  I assume that he would have started a religious cult with a bunch of the Disney characters.  Or ended up as an entrée.

Piña coladas and carry-on baggage limits: what they won’t tell you about internet dating

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Internet dating. The virtual park bench for loitering 21st century singles looking for love. A quagmire of lies, sexual tension, three-year-old profile pictures and ticking biological clocks.

I’ve dangled my toes into the cold, often choppy waters of online courting on several occasions through websites like RSVP, but have stagnated while using Oasis Active. To be fair, most of the torpidity I’m currently experiencing can be blamed on my sporadic use of the website, and the fact that I’m not really taking it all that seriously. That said, I am convinced that part of the issue is that it’s a free website, which means that anyone can join on a whim, either out of boredom (guilty) or because they see it as an easy – and cost-effective – way to line up as much casual sex as they can. The result is that there’s no filter for high maintenance psychopaths, sex-crazed philanderers or plain old idiots. Buyer beware: with free internet dating, you get what you pay for.

While carrying out a lackadaisical appraisal of my apparent matches and reading Miss Maribel Maeve’s candid recollections of her internet dating experiences, I began to ponder whether or not I’d learnt anything during my time searching for love via a prepaid broadband connection. What I came up with was a realisation that regardless of which website you use, or whether you look at male or female profiles, some things are never as they seem.

I’m sorry ma’am, you can’t bring that into the cabin

“Honestly, it was all carry-on last time.” Source: marthastewardess.com

I know we all have some emotional paraphernalia – it’s something that’s impossible to move forward through life without accumulating, but some people seem to have difficulty estimating how heavy their bags are. While a tote or cabin bag is generally the accepted standard, some individuals can’t travel without a full set of luggage, even on an overnight jaunt. Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining: not only is your bag well over 23kg, the zipper is fucked and one of the wheels has fallen off.

Personally, I prefer something that fits comfortably in the in the overhead locker, but each to their own.

There’s occasional, and then there’s internet dating occasional

If someone says in their profile that they are an occasional smoker, don’t be surprised when they make a beeline for the door every fifteen minutes, desperately fumbling for the lighter that they only had their hands two mouthfuls of their drink ago. Things are different in the online dating universe, and words don’t always keep their true meaning. People need to upsell. Think about it in this context: if you were selling a used car, would you want potential buyers knowing about the appalling noises coming from the engine before they fell in love with the leather interior and kick-ass sound system? No, you’d want them smitten with the two dozen speakers and sound quality as it dawned on them that the engine noise was a little more constant than the ad indicated.

Should your date define themselves as a regular smoker, prepare a Skype link-up to the smoking area if you are expecting a decent conversation. If they get through less than half a packet in the first few hours, they aren’t really trying.

Occasional is as occasional does. Source: oasisactive.com

Pictures may not lie, but they may be a little forgetful, especially after three years

Unless they specify that the photo of them at what looks like a millennium party was taken in mid-2011 at a Noughties theme night, you need to assume that the snap is as old as everyone’s Y2K fears.

I don’t know why, but some people refuse to upload recent photos, and then seem genuinely bemused by you wanting to walk out on the date. My best personal example of this phenomenon? I had a date with a woman whose profile picture turned out to be not only about three years old, but taken prior to her putting on over thirty kilograms. She looked nothing at all like her photograph, so much so that I didn’t recognise her when she walked into the bar. While I may not be all that and a bag of chips, at least people will know what sort – and quantity – of chips they’re getting when they look at my profile.

While on the subject on profile pictures, if someone only wants to display photos of their dog, feline friends or the random garden gnomes that they’ve amassed, run away. Fast. Can you say crazy cat lady?

Profile picture similar to this? Don’t say that I didn’t warn you. Source: inthemix.com.au

Cliché overload

Seriously, if as many people actually liked piña coladas and strolls during periods of precipitation as they professed to online, Australian retailers would sell tens of billions of dollars worth of white rum and umbrellas annually. If everyone was as laid back and relaxed as their profiles suggested, the country would slow to the point of being comatose and pharmaceutical companies would go bankrupt due to the drop in Prozac, Xanax and Valium sales.

The cliché situation is really that bad on dating websites. Don’t believe me? Spend a few minutes perusing any of them, and then send me your letter of apology, clearly stating that you will never doubt me again.

Online dating: more cocktail umbrellas than you can poke a stick at. Source: cocktailequipment.com

So there you go. Let’s hear your online dating stories.

Written by disseminatedthought

December 5, 2011 at 21:28