The Dissemination of Thought

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's intelligent…

Posts Tagged ‘search terms

The Dissemination (of Thought) Files: Did Thalia tap Toronto?

with 12 comments

Wow, the fourth installment of The Dissemination (of Thought) Files is already upon us. Today I’ll be speaking to Thalia, my Muse, about a missing sock, a sex tape that doesn’t exist and why she refuses to protect me from the questionable women I date.

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Lyndon Keane (TDoT): Thanks for joining me on The Dissemination (of Thought) Files couch. I thought it would be great to get you out from behind the scenes and into the spotlight. You know, give my readers the opportunity to put a face to the Muse.

If I actually did have a couch to sit on for these interviews, it would look like this... Source: yours-truly-karolinka.blogspot.com

Thalia (funnily enough, she’ll just be referred to as Thalia): You forgot to interview someone, didn’t you.

TDoT: Forgot it probably the wrong word. I’d like to think I procrastinated past the point of no return.

Thalia: Yeah, you certainly procrastinated your way around that pool yesterday.

TDoT: Long time readers of The Dissemination of Thought will remember that you disappeared for an extended period last year without any explanation. You also took a bottle of 30-year-old single malt and a solitary sock. Now that you’ve decided to grace me with your presence once again, can you please tell me what the hell you wanted one sock for, and where is it now?

Thalia: Firstly, I didn’t steal your precious fucking Scotch. Don’t you remember that magical Saturday when you convinced yourself that you could scribe lyrics for Grammy-winning songs? I’m sure your neighbours vividly recall you standing in the shower with a glass of whisky, singing along to Oasis and The Smiths. You were having a drink every time you got stuck on a line, and you got stuck a lot.

As for the sock, I needed it for my trip. I had to hide something inside it.

TDoT: You had to what?

Thalia: What part didn’t you understand? I was carrying something I didn’t want airport security to find, so hiding it seemed like the best solution. As I was packing, I saw your sock on the floor. I decided to use it.

TDoT: Oh, great. My Muse is a mule.

Thalia: I’m not a mule, you feeble-minded twit. I was travelling alone, so I wanted to take something to ensure my creativity remained stimulated for the duration.

TDoT: Huh?

Thalia: A dildo, you imbecile. I hid my travel dildo in your sock.

TDoT: That’s just classy. You’d better keep the sock.

My poor, naive sock: it didn't stand a chance. Source: kateevangelistarandr.blogspot.com

Thalia: As if you can take the fucking moral high road.

TDoT: One of the phrases someone plugged into a search engine to find The Dissemination of Thought was “thalia sextaped”. Do you want to make any comment about that?

Thalia: Are you insinuating that I made a tawdry, D-grade porno? What would it be called, Mr I-Fucking-Think-I-Know-Everything? Thalia Taps Toronto?

TDoT: I’m not insinuating anything, but you were missing in action for a long time. By the way, that title of the movie you assure me doesn’t exist has an alliteratively salacious ring to it.

While we are on the subject of all things intimate, let’s discuss dating. I’ve been subjected to some appalling romantic dalliances, so many in fact, I was inspired to write a Valentine’s Day tribute to the 10 most intriguing psychopaths I’ve ever dated. Shouldn’t you have had a quiet word in my ear about these women before I agreed to go out with them? You could have at least warned me about The Super Cougar. As my Muse, don’t you have a duty of care to ensure my delicate, creative psyche isn’t exposed to anyone who wants to mount me within the first few hours of meeting?

Thalia: You do understand what a Muse is, don’t you? I’m here to inspire you and make sure your lazy ass puts pen to paper. I’m not some sort of mythical matchmaker sent to you to tap you on the shoulder every time you contemplate dating someone who’s emotionally unbalanced. That’s a freakin’ full-time job, and I’ve got commitments outside of musing hours.

TDoT: You are being incredibly difficult. I’m not sure where you think you need to be, but your attitude towards this interview sucks. How do you think the readers will feel when they realise you have no interest in providing witty, thought-provoking answers?

Thalia: How do you think your readers feel about you doing an interview with an entity that no one can see?

TDoT: Do you think they’ll notice?

Thalia: I imagine so. That family over there with the combined intellect of a box of crayons has been watching you for fifteen minutes, and they sure as hell know you’re talking to yourself. Your readers are way smarter than that, so I’d say the jig is up.

TDoT: We might leave it there then. Thalia, thanks for being here.

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For week 5 of The Dissemination (of Thought) Files, I promise to interview someone interesting. And real.

If you aren’t already doing so, check out the TDoT Facebook page. I want to sincerely thank the 91 people who already like it, but let’s aim to hit 100 by the weekend.

While I’m thanking people, I’d like to express my gratitude to the lovely Erin and wonderful Korinda for putting up with my incessant nagging this afternoon. An edited version of “Espresso Etiquette 101: 6 Lessons in Coffee Shop Culture” featured as the “For what it’s worth” column in today’s Brisbane edition of mX, and the girls patiently sent me photographs of the paper without once telling me to go to hell. When I actually have a copy of the newspaper in my hands, I’ll scan the column and post it on the Facebook page.

A phone bill paid, an accolade and crazy searches folks have made

with 20 comments

I really need to pay more attention to my list of things to do. As I was paying my almost-overdue mobile phone bill this morning, I realised that I’d neglected to thank someone for throwing some blogging award affection my way.

Carrie from The Write Transition has nominated me for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award and, as with any accolade in the blogging world, there is a list of things I am obliged to do as a recipient. One of the duties is to expose 7 things about myself to those of you staring at your screens with drunken and sleep-deprived eyes. The other task is to bestow the Very Inspiring Blogger Award on 14 individuals of my choosing. Unfortunately, I’m going to fulfil neither responsibility. I’m going to mix it up and do my own thing.

Instead of giving you mundane facts about myself, I’ve decided to share 7 recent search terms that have guided disturbed perverts lost souls to The Dissemination of Thought.

how to sit beside someone you dislike

That’s easy. It’s called alcohol. In the unlikely event that a bottle of vodka doesn’t make the person to your right more bearable, I advocate flinging faeces at them. Childish and disgusting? Yes. Effective? Absolutely.

thalia sextaped

Well, that would explain why my Muse was missing in action last year.

sex you’re doing it wrong

You are if you’ve numbed your hand before using lipstick and a Sharpie to make it look like that girl in your English Literature tutorial.

Remember: you can’t have sex while there’s no one else in the room.

This is definitely doing it wrong. Source: passthemike.tumblr.com

show me ur dick guys

Slow down, sailor. You’ll have to buy me a drink first. And promise not to laugh.

the gigolo – dumb as a bag of sex toys.

Ladies and gentlemen, it would appear that we have a man-whore hater in our midst.

I don't know, that bag looks pretty smart... Source: techdigest.tv

batman fucks wonder woman animation

Do you think Batman carries condoms on his utility belt?

Superman: "Sure, you were just helping him find his batarang." Source: All rights reserved by MargieC1022 via Flickr.

penis burn picture cam inside penis

I’d probably consult a urologist about that. Quickly. I know it will be expensive, but trying to shove a webcam up your urethra to save money won’t help.

As far as my Very Inspiring Blogger Award nominations go, I’ve got 3. Sure, I could list 14 like the rules dictate, but you and I both know you won’t click on all 14. That being the case, I’d rather just tell you about a few blogs that fly under the radar and genuinely deserve recognition.

unrelentingamee – Amee is passionate about writing. Good writing. We bounce a lot of ideas and random thoughts off each other, and she’s one of the very few people whose opinion I trust enough to let read my work before I publish it.

the4gottenman – This blogger’s work is insightful, honest and often incredibly introspective. Besides that, he’s been one of my closest friends for well over a decade, which is no mean feat: I’m a pain in the ass to tolerate.

50 Items or Less – I was actually introduced to this blog by Amee. The brainchild of Ian Little, it’s all about mini sagas: a story told in exactly 50 words. While I love the concept of “less can be more” and uncluttered writing, the 50 word aspect reminded me of my attempt to rewrite Green Eggs and Ham using just 50 unique words. Check out Ian’s personal blog here.

A random Grammy. Source: punchbowlblog.com

I’d like to sincerely thank Carrie for the award. If you haven’t already read her work on The Write Transition, click here right now to check it out.

If you want to keep up to date with all things The Dissemination of Thought, follow me on Twitter (@LyndonKeane) or like the Facebook page.

Elmo and blow, dicks like bats and realebrity tats: 11 more terms to make you squirm

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We’ve looked at the strange shit people have searched for to eventually end up in my little piece of the blogosphere before. Twice, actually. But due to a somewhat melancholic nonchalance that has enveloped me, I find myself severely lacking the motivation or inclination to create something deep, insightful and controversial. I could come up with a dirty limerick about a man named Jock, but I’d rather attempt to get inside the heads of the individuals who have provided me with my latest batch of amusing – and stupefying – search terms. As they say, the third time’s a charm.

For those new readers to The Dissemination of Thought, the previous dalliances into weird and wonderful search phrases can be found below:

”Man-whores, smut and Jabba the Hutt”

”Cartoons without clothes and Sesame Street blow”

peter griffin likes cocaine nipples

Of course he does, who wouldn’t?

The Dissemination of Thought: it’s all about breast and blow references. Source: tbs.com

I’m considering renaming this blog The Dissemination of Dodgy Peter Griffin Search Terms, based purely on the overwhelming number of hits I get with obscure references to the testicle-chinned one. I’m not kidding. In the past few months, I’ve had “peter griffin peeing”, “peter griffin pretty eyes” and “peter griffin in [insert outfit of your choice: army outfit and Donald Duck costume seem to be popular]” as the standouts amongst a plethora of Family Guy-themed search terms.

You watch: “peter griffin jumper leads on nipples” will be a search term next month. Source: squidoo.com

what is the mayans the end of internet

The word on the street suggests that some bad shit is going to go down on 21 December this year, but this shouldn’t have any impact on your internet plan, unless of course, our new zombie overlords decide to limit your monthly allocation down to 3 GB.

Download speeds got a lot a better on 22 December. Source: forums.hak5.org

The internet will not cease to exist if the Mayans were right: zombies need Wikipedia and online porn just like the rest of us.

prehistoric animals during the time of the mayas

My guess would be that there were very, very few, but I’m assuming you need to expand that answer out to about 1,500 words. If you need definitive clarification, you should probably ask Kristen over at Intelligent Life – she’s fantastic at sharing serious stuff about science, history and the universe in a witty light.

If you’re still too fucking lazy to do your own research, just say that a Mayan temple was used as the visitor centre in Jurassic Park, and then make a vague reference to a Tyrannosaurus. Hell, say it was in Jurassic Park III: no one saw that anyway.

the cat in the hat sad

The Cat in the Hat wasn’t sad. How could it be with such an awesome headpiece? Depressed moggies don’t make for amusing book subjects; who wants to read about The Feline in the Fedora with the Fluoxetine?

Source: halloweencostumes.org

penis 40 cm fuck

I suddenly feel astonishingly inadequate.

You know you’re well –endowed when your dick has its own chair. Source: iansblogoflife.blogspot.com

is dissemination of thought funny?

Absolutely. Go forth and spread the word. Oh, and when you say funny, make sure people realise you mean funny “haha” and not funny “peculiar”.

tattoo pauly d jersey shore

Is there a chance this vexing search phrase came to be as a result of someone doing a research project on the ink and body art of people who have contributed to making 21st century society a dumber place to be?

In the event that some incredibly perturbed individual actually wants to adorn themselves with a permanent tribute to this realebrity*, I offer this advice: tattoos last forever. So does stupid.

* Author’s note: I coined the term “realebrity” as an alternative to referring to reality TV stars as celebrities.

realebrity /riˈælɛbrɪti/

noun

1. a person devoid of any discernible talent, ability or personality, who attempts to overcome this by appearing on a reality television program with a ridiculous tan.
2. Paul DelVecchio, or any other cast member of Jersey Shore.
3. Anyone with the surname Kardashian.

Am I the only one who’s disturbed? Source: thegloss.com

colour

Out of curiosity, I typed “colour” into Google and let it do its thing. It returned about 846,000,000 results. Yep, eight hundred and forty-six million. Using that incredibly vague search term, just how long did it take you to come across The Dissemination of Thought? Did you start your search in 1998?

nazi dinos

What the fuck? Velociraptors loyal to Hitler?

A pissed off reptile with a canon: the perfect gift for the sociopathic dictator who has it all. Source: kotaku.com.au

reality television fucked society

Yes. Yes it did. I couldn’t have said it more succinctly myself.

elmo smoker

When I first saw this search term, I was mystified. Surely Elmo isn’t a smoker. Not only is he inanimate, he’s comprised mainly of fur and felt, so voluntarily exposing himself to naked flames via a nicotine addiction doesn’t seem like an overly sagacious decision. That said, given that puppets don’t have lungs, his odds of succumbing to emphysema or lung cancer are pretty remote.

Based on the photographic evidence below, a Light Me Up Elmo toy may already be in the final stages of production.

“Elmo likes menthols!” Source: homelessmanspeaks.com

With the sheer number of ridiculous new phrases that appear each week for me to mull over, I’m confident that this will not be the last search term-themed post on The Dissemination of Thought. Besides, the eccentric folks searching for cartoon characters urinating, prodigious penises and chain-smoking Sesame Street puppets like it when we talk about them.

Man-whores, smut and Jabba the Hutt

with 11 comments

Analysing the phrases that people enter into search engines to end up at The Dissemination of Thought never ceases to be a constant source of amusement to me. The void between what I deduce they were hoping to find and where they actually landed is a chasm that has to cause them significant disappointment and confusion while they reassess their deviant perquisition. Was the person who searched for “boobs in a puppet stage” dismayed when they failed to find hardcore marionette sex? Did the individual who googled “germain greer strippers” want to locate any gentlemen’s clubs owned by the feminist?

As a tribute to those who inadvertently discovered TDoT, I’m going to examine four search terms that have made me laugh.

Author’s note: what you see below is exactly what people typed into their search engines to end up at TDoT. Don’t whinge and bitch about the spelling and grammatical errors.

“miss piggy sex tape”

This would be the logical next step after the sex tape leak. Source: verybadfrog.com

Come on people, bestiality is just wrong. When you get to the point of seeking out puppet pornography, it’s time to question what you’re doing with your life. What’s next? Searches for SpongeBob SquarePants banging one of the Powerpuff Girls?

I can’t believe I found this photo. Actually, I can’t believe I searched for it in the first place. Source: funnyordie.com

gigolo

I bet they were disappointed when their search for a man-whore landed them here. That said, if they still visit The Dissemination of Thought, they should definitely drop me a line: I’m willing to consider all proposals, except those of marriage.

badwrap sex

I’m not sure about this one. Perhaps they were searching for advice on how to remove oneself from the confines of poorly wrapped cling film after an intimate encounter. Hey, stranger things have happened.

liberal david barker jabba the hut

When I alluded to the similarity between wannabe politician David Barker and a Star Wars villain in God: Liberal Candidate for Chifely, I assumed that I was the only one whose sense of humour was warped enough to make the connection. To my surprise, the search terms tracker shows that several people were linking the mental image of everyone’s favourite Tatooine resident with the views of a narrow-minded religious bigot when the googled. Further adding to my surprise was the fact that I never received any hate mail or notifications of pending legal action for the aforementioned piece.

Jabba considers the opinion of one of his constituents. Source: starwars.com

What are the most perverse search terms that people have used to find you in the blogosphere?