The Dissemination of Thought

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's intelligent…

Posts Tagged ‘Miss Piggy

Man-whores, smut and Jabba the Hutt

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Analysing the phrases that people enter into search engines to end up at The Dissemination of Thought never ceases to be a constant source of amusement to me. The void between what I deduce they were hoping to find and where they actually landed is a chasm that has to cause them significant disappointment and confusion while they reassess their deviant perquisition. Was the person who searched for “boobs in a puppet stage” dismayed when they failed to find hardcore marionette sex? Did the individual who googled “germain greer strippers” want to locate any gentlemen’s clubs owned by the feminist?

As a tribute to those who inadvertently discovered TDoT, I’m going to examine four search terms that have made me laugh.

Author’s note: what you see below is exactly what people typed into their search engines to end up at TDoT. Don’t whinge and bitch about the spelling and grammatical errors.

“miss piggy sex tape”

This would be the logical next step after the sex tape leak. Source: verybadfrog.com

Come on people, bestiality is just wrong. When you get to the point of seeking out puppet pornography, it’s time to question what you’re doing with your life. What’s next? Searches for SpongeBob SquarePants banging one of the Powerpuff Girls?

I can’t believe I found this photo. Actually, I can’t believe I searched for it in the first place. Source: funnyordie.com

gigolo

I bet they were disappointed when their search for a man-whore landed them here. That said, if they still visit The Dissemination of Thought, they should definitely drop me a line: I’m willing to consider all proposals, except those of marriage.

badwrap sex

I’m not sure about this one. Perhaps they were searching for advice on how to remove oneself from the confines of poorly wrapped cling film after an intimate encounter. Hey, stranger things have happened.

liberal david barker jabba the hut

When I alluded to the similarity between wannabe politician David Barker and a Star Wars villain in God: Liberal Candidate for Chifely, I assumed that I was the only one whose sense of humour was warped enough to make the connection. To my surprise, the search terms tracker shows that several people were linking the mental image of everyone’s favourite Tatooine resident with the views of a narrow-minded religious bigot when the googled. Further adding to my surprise was the fact that I never received any hate mail or notifications of pending legal action for the aforementioned piece.

Jabba considers the opinion of one of his constituents. Source: starwars.com

What are the most perverse search terms that people have used to find you in the blogosphere?

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When words are misheard: children’s television takes an erotic turn

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Hearing a presenter on Play School blurt out “my vagina’s sore” in the middle of a song aimed at kids gets your attention.  I stopped writing and spun around to focus on the TV.  There she was, in her purple pants and hot pink top, apparently bemoaning about aching genitals.  For a fleeting moment, afternoon programming on the ABC got raunchy.  Highly inappropriate for children, but raunchy and engaging nonetheless.  After watching her bounce around singing for another twenty or thirty seconds, I learnt two things:

  1. The lyrics were actually “like a dinosaur”.
  2. I need to get my hearing checked.  Soon.

Okay, it’s fairly obvious that I need to pay more attention to things, but the mix up made me reminiscing about my favourite childhood television characters, and what would have happened to them had they developed in real life, albeit with a dark, non-PG twist.

Miss Piggy had to endure a leaked sex tape

Source: muppet.wikia.com

Disillusioned with the industry after an extended hiatus, Miss Piggy attempted to move back into the spotlight with several appearances at A-list parties.  Having failed to convince television executives that she deserved her own Nigella-like cooking show, she did what any aspiring D-list celebrity does to gain notoriety: feigned shock and embarrassment when a poorly-lit video of her fucking an NFL quarterback went viral.

A Miss Piggy sex tape: it’s not that hard to imagine. Source: muppet.wikia.com

Cookie Monster discovered hash brownies

Source: muppet.wikia.com

Over stuffing his face with chocolate chip cookies to amuse snotty-nosed children, Cookie Monster diversified his palate and discovered magic brownies.  In what was described as nothing more than a coincidence, he also discovered Doritos.  Desperate for money to finance his $1,500-a-day brownie habit, he reinvented himself as Munchie Monster and began hosting a breakfast radio show in San Francisco.

“Do you want a cookie? Do you want a cookie?” Source: muppet.wikia.com

Count von Count would have succumbed to Twilight hysteria

As a result of pissing everyone off with his incessant counting, and because he’s just not as hot as Edward, Twihards turned on our favourite childhood vampire with stakes while waiting for the premiere of the twenty-eighth movie.   In an ironic twist, the Count seemed to enjoy tallying his stab wounds as he died.

Source: muppet.wikia.com

AnimalTV 

He’s a drummer.  He eats glass.  He’s the puppet embodiment of rock and roll debauchery.

Source: muppet.wikia.com

Animal would have ended up in an exclusive Hollywood rehab clinic before being offered his own reality show, in which he mentors percussion prodigies and offers words of wisdom about how to explain being caught snorting cocaine off a toilet cistern.

In all likelihood, Animal was the one who leaked Miss Piggy’s sex tape, after waking up naked in a puddle of his own vomit and discovering it on his iPhone.

“You don’t mess with Animal.  He eats glass, man.” – Frank Oz 

What would have happened to Kermit?  I assume that he would have started a religious cult with a bunch of the Disney characters.  Or ended up as an entrée.