The Dissemination of Thought

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's intelligent…

Posts Tagged ‘Count von Count

Cartoons without clothes and Sesame Street blow

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Bloggers get lazy towards the end of the year. Select any tag topic at random right now, and you’ll be overwhelmed by a plethora of pieces that have “top”, “resolutions” or “2011” in the title. It seems that everyone in the blogosphere is either resolving their ass off or making a list of their Top [insert number between 1 and 6,914] [insert generic cliché – preferably movies, albums or kitten names] of 2011. A few bloggers are, thankfully, churning out fresh articles, but the majority seem content with reposting their favourite pieces of the year and then attempting to persuade their readers that it’s amazing new work. I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but it’s not. Literally publishing just the links to your ten best posts and then signing off with a corny festive season greeting isn’t entertaining, it’s boring. If you don’t have anything fresh to write about, don’t write; your readers would prefer you didn’t post inane, generic drivel each day just so you can convince yourself that you write daily.

Author’s note: the latter is why 365 day challenges have the potential to annoy the fuck out of everyone.

So, now that my beer and vodka-fuelled vociferation has concluded, I’m going to share with you a few new search terms that people have found The Dissemination of Thought with. While I’m fully aware it’s something I’ve touched on before, today we’re examining new stuff that people have looked for in the past three weeks. It’s a rehashed idea with fresh search phrases, so it’s technically new material, which officially makes this an original post and me less of a whinging hypocrite.

peter griffin naked

Everyone has issues; some people’s problems are just a lot worse than yours. If you ever think you can’t sink any lower into despair, just remember: at least you didn’t google a guy with balls for a chin in naked poses.

Is this what you were looking for, freaky searcher? Source: magculture.com

kelloggs shirazco pop

This search phrase is a little disconcerting, considering I only coined the name “Shirazco Pops” a week or two prior to writing this piece. Are Kellogg’s trying to pass my breakfast cereal and red wine masterpiece off as its own creation? Is there a chance they are preparing to make me an offer I can’t refuse? If it turns out to be the former, this means war; if it’s the latter, The Dissemination of Thought will cease to exist four seconds after their cheque clears.

my boyfriend thinks engagement rings are a ripoff and doesnt want to buy one

Whoever typed this into a search engine needs to run the fuck away from their frugal boyfriend as quickly as possible. While there is a chance the boyfriend just has no desire to propose to someone who uses Google like a Magic 8 Ball, the smart bet is on him using the ring money to finance an engagement jet ski.

Source: realbollywood.com

sesame street the count snorts cocaine

Elmo does blow... Source: soggylog.com

What the fuck? Because there are so many things wrong with this, I’m not even sure where to start. Is there a Sesame Street spin-off that no one’s aware of called Blowin’ with Big Bird and Bert? Does Grover do a good deal on a kilo of coke? On a positive note, given that Count von Count is a puppet and has a felt nose, it’s unlikely that he would ever succumb to a perforated nasal septum.

There's snow, and then there's "snow". Source: muppet.wikia.com

Welcome to The Dissemination of Thought in 2012: I can’t wait to see what search terms the next twelve months bring.

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When words are misheard: children’s television takes an erotic turn

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Hearing a presenter on Play School blurt out “my vagina’s sore” in the middle of a song aimed at kids gets your attention.  I stopped writing and spun around to focus on the TV.  There she was, in her purple pants and hot pink top, apparently bemoaning about aching genitals.  For a fleeting moment, afternoon programming on the ABC got raunchy.  Highly inappropriate for children, but raunchy and engaging nonetheless.  After watching her bounce around singing for another twenty or thirty seconds, I learnt two things:

  1. The lyrics were actually “like a dinosaur”.
  2. I need to get my hearing checked.  Soon.

Okay, it’s fairly obvious that I need to pay more attention to things, but the mix up made me reminiscing about my favourite childhood television characters, and what would have happened to them had they developed in real life, albeit with a dark, non-PG twist.

Miss Piggy had to endure a leaked sex tape

Source: muppet.wikia.com

Disillusioned with the industry after an extended hiatus, Miss Piggy attempted to move back into the spotlight with several appearances at A-list parties.  Having failed to convince television executives that she deserved her own Nigella-like cooking show, she did what any aspiring D-list celebrity does to gain notoriety: feigned shock and embarrassment when a poorly-lit video of her fucking an NFL quarterback went viral.

A Miss Piggy sex tape: it’s not that hard to imagine. Source: muppet.wikia.com

Cookie Monster discovered hash brownies

Source: muppet.wikia.com

Over stuffing his face with chocolate chip cookies to amuse snotty-nosed children, Cookie Monster diversified his palate and discovered magic brownies.  In what was described as nothing more than a coincidence, he also discovered Doritos.  Desperate for money to finance his $1,500-a-day brownie habit, he reinvented himself as Munchie Monster and began hosting a breakfast radio show in San Francisco.

“Do you want a cookie? Do you want a cookie?” Source: muppet.wikia.com

Count von Count would have succumbed to Twilight hysteria

As a result of pissing everyone off with his incessant counting, and because he’s just not as hot as Edward, Twihards turned on our favourite childhood vampire with stakes while waiting for the premiere of the twenty-eighth movie.   In an ironic twist, the Count seemed to enjoy tallying his stab wounds as he died.

Source: muppet.wikia.com

AnimalTV 

He’s a drummer.  He eats glass.  He’s the puppet embodiment of rock and roll debauchery.

Source: muppet.wikia.com

Animal would have ended up in an exclusive Hollywood rehab clinic before being offered his own reality show, in which he mentors percussion prodigies and offers words of wisdom about how to explain being caught snorting cocaine off a toilet cistern.

In all likelihood, Animal was the one who leaked Miss Piggy’s sex tape, after waking up naked in a puddle of his own vomit and discovering it on his iPhone.

“You don’t mess with Animal.  He eats glass, man.” – Frank Oz 

What would have happened to Kermit?  I assume that he would have started a religious cult with a bunch of the Disney characters.  Or ended up as an entrée.