To be, or NKOTB
Welcome to the third week of The Dissemination (of Thought) Files. In this week’s instalment, we probe – in a journalistic, non-alien and lubricant way – OzSpinCycle*, the apparently lopsidedly-minded author of Impassioned Rantings of an Unbalanced Mind.
* Author’s note: this probably isn’t his real name.
Admit it. You’re asking yourself why the blog’s called what it is. As OzSpinCycle puts it:
The name of the blog comes from the fact that from time to time it feels like my head becomes a little unbalanced. Not the go out and set fire to a small fury animal type of unbalanced but more the all the clothes have moved to one side of the washing machine causing it to stop during the spin cycle kind of unbalance. I see the blog as a way to rebalance things by shuffling the clothes around, removing those extra couple of pairs of jeans you thought you try and fit in…
During the interview, we toss around a few account and lawyer jokes, discuss time travel, and try to understand his wife’s disturbing
fascination obsession with New Kids on the Block.
Lyndon Keane (TDoT): Do you mind if I tape this interview? I’m drunk and reasonably confident that I won’t pay much attention, so if I don’t record it, I’ll have to make your answers up.
OzSpinCycle (OSC): Go ahead. I’m not sure that I know how to have a conversation with you sober anyway. Somehow, there always seems to be some form of alcoholic beverage involved when we’re chatting. Not that I’m complaining, mind you.
TDoT: In describing yourself as “quick-witted” in ”Alpha Bravo Charlie”, you make reference to your propensity for “short, stupid jokes”. What’s the most pitifully amusing one in your repertoire? Has anyone ever regaled you with a particularly clever accountant joke?
OSC: I really have a penchant for multipart, short stupid jokes, which is probably even worse. I think my favourite is this:
Q: Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A: He was hit by a refrigerator.
Q: Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
A: He was hit by the first koala.
Q: Why did the kangaroo die?
A: Two koalas and a refrigerator fell on him.
Q: What is the moral of this story?
A: Kangaroos shouldn’t throw refrigerators at koalas.
TDoT: So, are you saying male koalas can’t dodge airborne refrigerators? Are whitegood-tossing marsupials common in the bush?
OSC: I haven’t heard many accountant jokes. There’s always the reliable “What did the constipated accountant do? Worked it out with a pencil.”
Lawyer jokes – the other half of my degree – were always better. My favourite is “Why did the scientist start using lawyers instead of lab rats? No one cares about lawyers. There are plenty of lawyers, and there are some things even a lab rat won’t do.
TDoT: Your wife’s a New Kids on the Block fan? Are you sure she didn’t just mean she was fond of the new munchkins living down the street? Is there a chance she was living in the garden shed for the two weeks she was purportedly stalking them around the USA?
OSC: Not unless she fiendishly gave her credit card to someone else and told them to go nuts in the USA. If I find out someone other than her was spending that money, there’s going to be trouble.
TDoT: New Kids on the Block? Really? You do realise they’re touring Australia this year, don’t you? What are the odds of us seeing an Impassioned Rantings of an Unbalanced Mind remix of “Hangin’ Tough” on YouTube?
OSC: Yes, really! I don’t understand the fascination either, but as I understand it, that is primarily because I am male and straight. I think the odds of us both appearing together completely sober for more than five minutes are better than the odds of me belting out “Hangin’ Tough”. Although at 2:00am, with a skinful of alcohol and pancakes, many things seem like a better idea than they actually are.
TDoT: In your most recent piece, you walked us through the first ten songs that played when you shuffled the music on your iPod. What do you think of the music industry in 2012?
OSC: I think some good music gets made, but there is a lot of shit as well. I have resigned myself to the fact that I am no longer part of the biggest music buying demographic. Therefore, most of the stuff released is not targeted at me. Fortunately, there are still enough quality artists sneaking through to keep me going.
TDoT: I’m going to put you on the spot. If you could only listen to one album for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?
OSC: Tough question. I really do have a hard time with this sort of thing, because I always forget so many albums, movies and the like, and then think later “Shit, that’s right, I really like XYZ.” Out of the albums I have on my iPod, I would have to go with either Missy Higgins’ On a Clear Night or Something to Be from Rob Thomas. I’d probably flip a coin between the two. My reasoning is that both albums have a good mix of song types, and that would help keep it interesting.
TDoT: What’s the most ridiculous thing you have ever seen someone do on a dare or under the deviously guiding hand of sweet alcohol?
OSC: We were always pretty boring on that front. I’ve seen a nudie run and people drink some awful looking mixes of drinks. Did you know that Baileys, Scotch and Coke curdles?
TDoT: Your post ”The Darkness Within” has you pondering some pretty obscure subject matter. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to walk around with a rusty chainsaw à la Leatherface? Sans hillbilly-esque inbreeding, of course. Is it possible Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers were simply misunderstood?
OSC: Well, I did grow up in the Australian equivalent of hillbilly country. As I said in the post, it has always just been curiosity that never extended to any thought of actual harm. So, no, that sort of thought has never really crossed my mind. The thought of doing harm to others directly or, more likely, indirectly – like stepping in front of a bus they drive – is a huge reason why I would never actually do any of those things. Plus, that shit will kill you.
TDoT: While we’re hypothesising and getting all deep and philosophical, exactly how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
OSC: A woodchuck would chuck how much wood a woodchuck could chuck, if only he could be fucked chucking wood.
TDoT: Your love of all things scientific and “geeky” is blatantly obvious. Is it just me, or is a DeLorean a poor vehicular choice for a time machine? If you could have ridden shotgun with Doc Brown to one place in either the future or past, where would it be? And no, you can’t choose the moment before you agreed to do this interview.
OSC: Yes, the DeLorean is probably a poor choice; it draws a bit too much attention to itself. Perhaps Doc Brown picked it for its fibreglass and stainless steel construction. Perhaps he just liked the gullwing doors. Interesting legal fact: John DeLorean was arrested on drug trafficking charges, allegedly trying to make money to keep his motor company afloat, but was acquitted due to it being a case of entrapment.
TDoT: Maybe he couldn’t get to eighty-eight miles per hour during his getaway.
OSC: As for a moment in time, it would have to be the past, because according to relativity, it isn’t possible to travel forward in time. That said, by the time we’ve worked out how to travel in time, we will have probably found a way to tell relativity to bugger off and mind its own business.
I think the geek in me would love to head back to the late fifties so I could be part of the space race that led up to man walking on the moon in 1969. For someone with a love of all things space, this would be a dream come true. Either that, or jumping forward to be part of the team that puts the first people on a planet other than Earth.
Next week, The Dissemination (of Thought) Files will undoubtedly ask someone some questions about something. Yes, I’m really that disorganised, I have no idea who I’ll be interrogating 7 days from now. As always, if you want to
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