The Dissemination of Thought

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's intelligent…

Cougars, critics and The Ticking Clock: my 10 worst dates of all time

with 87 comments

On principle, I was planning on refraining from a Valentine’s Day-themed post: there are enough people flogging the rose-covered dead horse without me clutching at its mane. Unfortunately, my resolve wilted like a cheap petrol station rose, leaving you with the cynically twisted rant you see before you.

Actually, it was more a case of succumbing to peer pressure than an issue of resolve. Chrystalyn, of The Future of Hope fame, challenged me to come up with a list of the most atrocious dates I’ve ever endured. It was harder than I thought. Some horror stories spring freely to mind, while others have been deeply repressed and will require gentle coaxing from a psychiatrist to pry loose.

I’m under no illusion that I’m by any means easy to tolerate, and I don’t purport to be the prized pig of the dating fair, but I really have dated some unique challenging crazy-as-fuck women in my time.

Author’s note: to my friends who read The Dissemination of Thought, you will notice one glaring omission from Lyndon’s Dating Hall of Fame. This is because the mighty omitted one may truly be a psychopath, not adverse to lighting fires. Big fires. Besides, she’s already well aware she’ll hold the coveted number one spot on the crazy ladder in perpetuity.

Are you comfy? Good. Grab another drink, open the chocolates you bought yourself and help me celebrate Valentine’s Day by counting down my top 10 horror dates.

You're going to need more than one glass to get through this post. Don't say I didn't warn you. Source: thewinectr.com

#10 – The Introducer

I don’t know what to say about this woman, other than to tell you that she invited me to a barbeque the day after our first date, an event at which she introduced me to everyone present – including her parents – as her boyfriend. She couldn’t seem to grasp why I kept correcting her, nor fathom why I lost her number.

#9 – The iPhone Freak

This charmer, circa 2010, truly was a puppet of the Apple juggernaut: she spent our entire date – all 50 minutes of it, give or take – texting and playing on Facebook. I could have slaughtered a goat or begun masturbating at the table and she wouldn’t have noticed.

On the two or three occasions she didn’t have her eyes glued to the phone, she was giving me 101 reasons why my BlackBerry was an inferior product to the apparent cure for cancer she held in her hand.

#8 – The Nympho

This is the woman who, after spending less than two hours face-to-face with me, attempted to mount me on the roof viewing area of a CityFerry. At about 2:30pm. On a weekday. When I advised her that I wasn’t overly interested in giving passing vessels and people on the riverbank a matinee performance, she informed me in a petulant tone that she didn’t need my help “to get off”. At this point, she sat in silence until we arrived at the next ferry terminal.

The CityFerry: The Nympho's preferred method of transport.

I wish this date was a figment of my imagination, but, sadly, it’s not; I couldn’t make this shit up if I had a bag of magic mushrooms and a bottle of absinthe.

#7 – “Is She Prettier Than Me?” Barbie

Our date lasted for about an hour. For sixty painful minutes, she asked me whether I thought every woman she saw was prettier than her. Just as I began consoling myself that it couldn’t get any worse, she locked eyes on a brunette in a particularly short skirt at the bar and unleashed her pièce de résistance: “If I wasn’t here, would you go and hit on her?”

If the doll lost the microphone and notebook, she could be “Is She Prettier Than Me?” Barbie's stunt double. Source: barbie-wallpapers.blogspot.com.au

#6 – The Restaurant Critic

Never, ever go on a first date to a restaurant that the guy or girl you’re taking out saw reviewed in a newspaper: it turns them into a gastronomic expert and critic of epic proportions.

When you're at the point of trying to brain yourself with one of these, your date has pretty well gone to shit. Source: mykikicake.com

During our date at a quaint Brisbane eatery, The Restaurant Critic criticised everything from the chairs to the temperature the water was served at. When she wasn’t castigating the lack of options on the menu, she was spewing forth mumbled comments about the quality of the service staff. Her entrée was sent back because the prawns, in her opinion, weren’t “of suitable quality”. She demanded that the waitress return her main meal to the kitchen, but I honestly can’t tell you why; by that stage, I’d stopped listening and was trying to work out how to beat myself to death with a buttered bread roll.

I’m pretty sure I ate spit that night. Or worse.

After The Restaurant Critic's ranting, I'm not confident that's all chocolate ice cream. Source: sodahead.com

#5 – The Drunk

It’s never a good start to a mid-afternoon date when the woman you are meeting – let’s call her Stephanie – is already blind drunk when you arrive at the pub. Quickly adjudging the date as a write-off and any future encounters as pipe dreams, I adopted an “if you can’t beat them, join them” approach. This was to be the afternoon of the plentiful vodka and the hurling date.

It's official: Being near me makes women drink. A lot. Source: secludedhabit.com

I was drinking fast – really fast – in an attempt to make Stephanie more bearable, but her hands were like blurs: she left me for dust in the shadows of her white wine and tequila bottles.

Author’s note: if your date has a predilection for 3:00pm tequila and you aren’t in Mexico, back slowly away, being careful not to make any sudden movements.

At one stage, after heading back to the bar for the 46th time, Stephanie simply disappeared. After 10 or 15 minutes, I was beginning to think she’d left, but then noticed that her handbag was still on one of the stools under the table. She eventually returned, looking like she’d survived the Apocalypse, and proceeded to tell me in graphic detail about how poorly the bathroom had fared in its encounter with her projectile vomiting. With that information shared, she picked up her handbag, muttered what I assume was an incoherent farewell and wandered off.

#4 – The Threesome

This adventure wasn’t as exciting or salacious as it sounds: my date, Andrea, brought a friend with her, but everyone was clothed and in full public view at all times.

Dating threesomes: not as fun as they sound. Source: health-fitness.com.au

When Andrea confessed that she had been too shy to meet me for drinks on her own, I really didn’t care: lots of women bring a human comfort blanket on a date, don’t they? After we’d finished a few bottles of wine and I realised that the blonde, bespectacled offsider was planning on joining us for dinner, the nuisance factor went up tenfold, but I didn’t say anything. After all, the conversation was great, and I was slowly getting used to the awkward way in which they kept looking at each other after I’d finished speaking, as if comparing telepathic notes about my suitability as a boyfriend.

Skip forward to the restaurant, and the arrival of the bill. It was at this point I became cognisant of the fact that Andrea was expecting me to pay for her and Free Meal Sally. I had no issue with footing the bill for Andrea, my date, but there was no fucking way I was paying for the hors d’oeuvre-scoffing parasite attached to her left hip. After I’d suggested to them that they needed to formulate a Plan B, they suggested that I was a bigger asshole than Hitler, walked to the counter to pay for their meals, and then disappeared into the night.

#3 – The Old Photo Girl

After chatting online for a few weeks and exchanging numerous photographs, The Old Photo Girl and I decided to meet for a drink. When she arrived, I didn’t recognise her, because all of the photos she’d sent me had apparently been taken prior to her finding an extra 40 or 50 kilograms and developing a fondness for appalling DIY hair colouring. Once lumbering greetings had been exchanged, the conversation went like this:

Me: “You don’t look anything like your photos.”
The Old Photo Girl (TOPG): “Yeah, I know, they were about 3 years old. I’ve changed a lot since then.”
Me: “No shit.”
TOPG: “You don’t want to have a drink now, do you?”
Me: “Not really. I prefer people who are honest. And besides, your hair—“
TOPG: “Fuck you then! If you can’t accept the real me, go to hell!”

The Old Photo Girl's hair was scarier. Source: thepwnzone.wordpress.com

That’s where the date ended. She stormed out. On a positive note, I got a free beer and a few laughs out of the bar manager, who had witnessed the debacle in its 4 minute entirety.

#2 – The Super Cougar

This predator used her own kittens as bait. Literally. The Super Cougar was a horny, 40-something-year-old woman who displayed pictures of one of her 20-something-year-old daughters on the online dating profile that said she was 26. I’ll give you a minute to absorb how fucked up that is.

When she approached me in the coffee shop, I had no idea who she was. She quickly confessed to the “misleading”* photos and age, and justified it by saying that she loved younger guys “like the ones her daughters date”, but that these guys were put off by her age. As I finished my latte, I suggested that they were more likely disinterested because she was a concupiscent, lying sociopath who would more likely than not eat them after copulating. She didn’t find this explanation plausible or funny, and left.

* Author’s note: this is The Super Cougar’s word, not mine.

#1 – The Ticking Clock

No, it’s not the name of an Alfred Hitchcock thriller. The Ticking Clock is the moniker I’ve bestowed upon the damsel who grabs the number one spot with both psychotic hands. Her real name was Melanie, but that doesn’t sound anywhere near as ominous and disturbing as her allocated pseudonym.

Upon arriving at the designated meeting place, I found The Ticking Clock two-thirds of the way through a bottle of red, which, given that I was 15 minutes early, wasn’t a good sign. When I sat down with my drink, we began talking and laughing, but she clearly had something on her mind. She asked me what my short-term plans were. I told her and, disappointed with the predictability of her questioning, fired the same query back at her. Her short-term plan was simple: she wanted to fall pregnant within the next three months, in order to have a baby before her 40th birthday. Girls, if you ever want to render a guy speechless twenty minutes into a first date, tell him you want to be pregnant inside 90 days.

I couldn’t fathom her candour, or the matter-of-fact way in which she probed for what could only be described as family history details. She admitted that most of the guys she dated freaked out when she laid her plan on the beer-soaked table (wow, really?) and asked what I thought. I told her, skolled the last three mouthfuls of beer, wished her the best of luck and got the fuck out of Crazy Town.

I couldn't find a trophy for The Ticking Clock, so this will have to suffice. Source: bubblesale.blogspot.com.au

So there you have it. My 10 worst dates of all time. How do yours compare? Cakes McCain, you should be able to beat at least a few of these.

To those The Dissemination of Thought readers who missed out on getting shot in the ass by the little guy with the nappy, please accept the flowers below as my Valentine’s Day cliché to you all.

My Valentine's Day gift to you. Can't you just feel the love? Source: giftoninternet.com

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Written by disseminatedthought

February 14, 2012 at 01:02

87 Responses

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  1. Great post, cracked me up. Cheers to you for having the balls to say the things you did.

    thesandytongue

    February 14, 2012 at 00:20

    • Thanks for the feedback, and welcome to The Dissemination of Thought. We have novelty balls for sale in the gift shop; if you like, you can have a set for the special price of $25 to remind you of your visit.

      disseminatedthought

      February 14, 2012 at 23:05

  2. Okay, I take back my previous comment, it looks like there are just as many crazy bitches on these dating websites as there are crazy bastards! My dating online dating history reads like a who’s who of human crap as well…kudos to us!

    gingerjudgesyou

    February 14, 2012 at 00:20

  3. Yeah, wow. I’ve never met these kind of women. But, I have a few male friends would could probably swap war stories with you. For instance, I have this one male friend who started seeing a girl he worked with. Their dates were rather infrequent and she usually only had time to stop by for one drink, or swing by his apartment for a quickie.

    Later, he was approached by his manager at work. His manager threatened him, saying, “You stay away from my girlfriend, you got me?” Whoa! It turned out that she was telling her baby’s daddy that she was “heading out to the store” and coming home empty handed, smelling of booze. She has two kids with this guy. And my idiot friend fell for her line, “We’re not together, we just live together. He still gets jealous.” And he kept seeing her. The boyfriend eventually caught her by sending a friend after to take photos, and fired my friend from his job.

    Dating is ridiculous.

    LunaSunshine

    February 14, 2012 at 00:33

    • “Dating is ridiculous.”

      Yes. Yes it is.

      disseminatedthought

      February 14, 2012 at 23:09

      • I married a dear friend for that reason. Well, among a dozen others. I wouldn’t highlight that as the reason. Just don’t mention it.

        LunaSunshine

        February 15, 2012 at 00:26

  4. Bwhahaha. Is it sad or amazing that I have met a few of these broads male counterparts? I had a ‘man’ meet me for a date (I like being able to run…) and we were talking of our children. He then informed me that the way he figured it if we started having babies by the end of the year we could have a football team by the time I was no longer useful… He was serious. I took my drink to go- without him.

    Anyway, thank you for obliging me and providing a hilarious piece. A little disappointed that you gave flowers though… That counts as a Valentine in my book, even if it is to hundreds of imaginary people. It is a shame you broke your record!

    😉

    thefutureofhope

    February 14, 2012 at 00:47

  5. I feel like I have no awesome date stories to tell. Most of mine have just been painfully boring.

    leeschmidt

    February 14, 2012 at 00:51

    • Apart from two dinners in 2009, that’s one thing my dating adventures have never been. Should that tell me something about myself?

      disseminatedthought

      February 14, 2012 at 23:13

  6. Hmmm…all I can say to this is WOW. My dating history pales in comparison to yours…at least in terms of the craziness factor of some of your companions. I cannot even fathom how a woman (ANY woman) could act like this. Of course, this is probably why I am and foresee that I shall remain happily married.

    amber

    February 14, 2012 at 00:56

    • It’s even harder to fathom when they’re sitting across from you.

      Thank you for adding your thoughts, and welcome to the fun-filled dating chaos that is The Dissemination of Thought.

      disseminatedthought

      February 14, 2012 at 23:19

  7. That was funny – sorry, I am just starting out on the dating scene again (I’m female btw) and I shall make a mental note to not be like any of the dates you’ve had.

    Thanks for the heads up x

    LonelyAngel

    February 14, 2012 at 01:14

    • If I could give you one piece of advice as you reenter the dating world, it would be this: run away.

      Welcome to TDoT.

      disseminatedthought

      February 14, 2012 at 23:23

  8. Wow, those are all pretty much the bad-date, faux-pas, dealbreakers. Happy Valentine’s Day!

    Adrienne schmadrienne

    February 14, 2012 at 01:18

  9. That was seriously funny !!! 🙂

    shil

    February 14, 2012 at 01:47

  10. All I can say is those 23 years of marriage behind my aging fanny are looking pretty damn good right about now…

    Cannot express how much I love your writing without making a fool of myself. So I’ll just leave it at: thanks for another great post!

    crubin

    February 14, 2012 at 03:11

  11. I’ve had some crazy horrible dates but none like that. Where are you finding these women!? Some people really don’t think before they act. Thanks for making me feel sane this morning. Happy valentines day!

    yvetteslife

    February 14, 2012 at 03:20

    • Two words: online dating. Actually, make that three words: free online dating.

      Have a fantastic Cupid’s-Arrow-In-The-Ass Day!

      disseminatedthought

      February 14, 2012 at 23:29

  12. I may have to start online dating just for all of the free food to be had. Then, after we eat, make a shocking announcement, like – I just got pregnant in the bathroom. Your services will no longer be required. Good Night Sir.

    Spectra

    February 14, 2012 at 03:35

    • I will save you the hassle: I’ll just send you a few dozen bread rolls and the entrée of your choice.

      Thank you for your contribution, and welcome to TDoT. Management takes no responsibility for bathroom pregnancies.

      disseminatedthought

      February 14, 2012 at 23:34

  13. Wow…just wow! I went on a date with a guy once a couple years ago who automatically I was his girlfriend after one date. That wasn’t the worst part: he let it slip that he hates black people. I’m sorry, but I don’t date bigots. :-/ Very entertaining post! Thanks for posting!

    bluecookcat

    February 14, 2012 at 03:48

    • We should set him up with The Introducer.

      Welcome to The Dissemination of Thought. You will be happy to know we’ve installed a bigot detector in the foyer. And an air hockey table.

      disseminatedthought

      February 14, 2012 at 23:38

  14. This could be one of the best things I’ve read in a long time. Thanks for humoring me with those sad stories. I’ve realized I need to date more just so I can write such a post!

    Kara

    February 14, 2012 at 03:59

    • Thank you for the fantastic feedback and for visiting TDoT. I’m glad my dating heartbreak amused you.

      disseminatedthought

      February 14, 2012 at 23:40

  15. Why are you bringing me into this? (hahaha!) It’s the the “Honour of Shame.”
    Other than one dude telling me he looked like some decent looking supporting-actor from some film (googed the actor and was ok looking) then showing up like ‘drank too many beers and ate too many donuts, and not shaved in 6 days’ wearing a t-shirt with gravy stains and harassing me later via email, or Mr. Sweatpants that insisted I have coffee with him or he would come over and paint my house…. Um no, I think you’ve got me beat on this one, but I could probably whip you in the realm of psychotic-loser exes and colossal relationship train-wrecks. Maybe that should be MY next post.
    (I apologize on behalf of those twits, we are not all of ‘that’ gene pool.)

    Cakes McCain

    February 14, 2012 at 04:12

    • “…drank too many beers and ate too many donuts, and not shaved in 6 days…”

      Isn’t that what women want?

      I think it should be your next post. At least it’ll make me feel better about my romantic escapades, or lack thereof.

      disseminatedthought

      February 14, 2012 at 23:43

  16. whoa! you can actually make a movie on your experiences.. 😀
    This is so funny ….i have done the iphone freak thing…except i was giving d guy 101 reasons to buy blackberry and not iphone 😉

    littlemissobsessivesanatomy

    February 14, 2012 at 04:22

    • What’s a good figure to start the bidding at?

      There’s nothing freaky about trying to convince someone to buy a BlackBerry.

      disseminatedthought

      February 14, 2012 at 23:46

      • doesnt work…tried selling BlackBerry to not just one but two Iphone crazies…
        there has to be someway…i love mine so much…wouldnt exchange it for anything…

        littlemissobsessivesanatomy

        February 15, 2012 at 02:18

  17. Too funny! But this really got me thinking about some of the less than stellar dates I have been on. We never get that time back, do we?! Drinks always help!

    jeandayfriday

    February 14, 2012 at 04:47

    • I used to think that drinking helped, but no amount of Scotch can prepare you for an encounter with The Ticking Clock.

      Thanks for stopping by, and welcome to The Dissemination of Thought.

      disseminatedthought

      February 14, 2012 at 23:49

  18. I love your “holiday spirit!” It reminds me of some of my own! Great writing!

    Madame Hombard

    February 14, 2012 at 05:41

    • Come on, spill. What’s your worst date ever?

      Welcome to TDoT, home of Sickeningly Romantic Cliché Day.

      disseminatedthought

      February 14, 2012 at 23:52

  19. #3 and #5 happened at the same time.

    I ended up meeting this guy for drinks who looked maybe 25-26 in the posted pictures, which would have been age appropriate for me at the time. I get there a couple minutes early. I sit at the bar, get a drink, and wait for him to arrive, What showed up was at about 35 years old, and looked like an older version of his photo. I figure, what the hell.. I’m at a bar. If it gets bad, I can just drink. So I just sit back and watch the train wreck unfold.

    We talk for a couple minutes. He proceeds to tell me about himself.. and as he talks more, I realize he is already drunk. He proceeds to describe his life as a ‘sex therapist’ in detail to me. I figure I’m about to get a really crude come-on line, so I’m preparing myself for it.

    He then asks me what I’m drinking. I tell him that I’m drinking a malibu and pineapple and proceed to take another sip.. He looks up at me, and proceeds to say, ‘You know, rum makes me wanna f*ck.’ and just looks me dead in the eyes like he’s waiting for a reaction of some kind. I dunno if he was just imagining that this was some kind of porno and I’d be like, ‘Oh me too.’ and proceed to pull off my top, but he was clearly expecting something.

    Not one to disappoint, I immediately spit the sip back into my cup, cringe, and say ‘Ewww. I need to leave now.’

    I set it the drink on the bar, tip the bartender (who was apparently listening and is now laughing pretty loudly at this exchange) and leave.

    The Confluent Kitchen

    February 14, 2012 at 06:05

    • Was he a professional sex therapist, or was it a self-appointed title earned while masturbating to Dr Phil reruns?

      “You know, rum makes me wanna f*ck.”

      He probably practiced that line for hours.

      disseminatedthought

      February 14, 2012 at 23:58

      • I’m pretty sure he was the ‘wanking it to Dr. Phil’ variety.

        You’re probably right. He was able to deliver the line with absolutely no shame or laughter. My only thoughts are that this line actually worked once or that he just has no shame whatsoever.

        The Confluent Kitchen

        February 15, 2012 at 05:44

      • The only thing that line would work on is a pumpkin dressed up with lipstick and a wig.

        disseminatedthought

        February 17, 2012 at 10:43

  20. That was hysterical! I actually just got through what must be my worst date ever last week. Let me tell you, men can be as absolutely crazy as women.

    Happy Valentine’s Day! :/

    Kris Merino

    February 14, 2012 at 06:07

    • “I actually just got through what must be my worst date ever last week.”

      You can’t say that and then not provide details.

      Happy Valentine’s Day to you, too! I hope you have a fantastic day, and get something a little more exciting than a picture of some roses on a computer screen.

      disseminatedthought

      February 15, 2012 at 00:00

  21. A most amusing post, As a bloke long married and long outside the dating game all I can tell you is that once you have got to the point of a committed relationship its often just as rocky and fraught negotiating the whims and whiles of your partner.

    Iain Hall

    February 14, 2012 at 06:19

    • I’ve got a few follow-up questions to that statement, but I’m scared your answers will put me off relationships as well as dating.

      Thanks for adding to the discussion, and welcome back to The Dissemination of Thought. Don’t leave it so long next time.

      disseminatedthought

      February 15, 2012 at 00:07

  22. On #4 – The Threesome…

    Chaperoning is pretty rare in the latter half of the 20th century, and becoming more rare into the 21st. Technically during Emily Post’s time, it was the responsibility of the Host (you) to pay for both the dinner for the date as well as the chaperon. After the 60s however, etiquette changed that it was optional for the host to pay, and was normally negotiated with the chaperon on paying “dutch treat”.

    As for the rest… Hysterically witty and reminds me as an out gay man that while I miss out on some of the insanity of woman — I more than make up with other insanity that only men can produce.

    Hope your Valentine’s goes… Mine’s going to be spent under the bed with the cats until sundown.

    mbaldelli

    February 14, 2012 at 06:49

    • It may have started out as chaperoning, but it ended as someone trying to get themselves enough free food and drink to drop a horse.

      disseminatedthought

      February 15, 2012 at 00:18

  23. Ever had a dates dog pee on you after they took you to a seafood restaurant (except I hate seafood)? True story sadly!

    prosewithabbitude

    February 14, 2012 at 08:13

    • Do tell…

      Thank you for trying to make my horror dates sound less abysmal, and welcome to The Dissemination of Thought.

      disseminatedthought

      February 15, 2012 at 00:21

      • I will never compare to your sheer numbers of abysmal dates. Why, thank you for the welcome. I enjoy your posts, especially that you find humor in your life horrors.
        Before taking me out the guy asked if there any type of food that I didn’t like to eat. I told him seafood (I hate it – if it swims I don’t eat it). So he decides to take me to dinner at Red Lobster. He then told me my portion of the check that was due. I don’t expect a guy to pay for me all the time. But, if he asked me out and I had said no numerous times before you would think he would have the manners to pay. Anyways….. I had to drive him home since he couldn’t start his car for some reason. I went inside his place as I need to use the bathroom after dropping him off. When I was done he wanted to show me something and I took a seat at the table. His dog jumped up on the table and peed on me arm. My “date” just laughed – didn’t even apologize.
        I wish I could say I was making this up…. *sigh*

        prosewithabbitude

        February 17, 2012 at 13:22

  24. LOL. That was very entertaining. All I can say is I went out on a date with the male version of the iphone freak and a variation of your award winning ticking clock. But the most memorable one was Mr. Urination Domination. The date went alright until the end of the night in the parking lot where he informed me he could no longer hold it in. And right there he pulled down his pants in front of the car and peed forever while I sat in the front seat trying not to look.

    There is still a healthy debate with my male friends about whether or not this is classy/acceptable first date behaviour. The jury’s still out on that one.

    It defintely does not beat your classy beavy of Valentines though.

    • “There is still a healthy debate with my male friends about whether or not this is classy/acceptable first date behaviour.”

      Oh, your male friends sound like classy guys alright…

      disseminatedthought

      February 15, 2012 at 00:23

  25. Ah, Lyndon, you have me laughing out loud at work! I also date psychos! Maybe we should go on a date? Haha!

    tennizzlle

    February 14, 2012 at 12:05

  26. The most entertaining part of my day. Thanks.

    ilovewhatieat

    February 14, 2012 at 12:37

  27. Good stories definitely. Love the iPhone girl the most. Been there, done that (and she actually wanted to go out again!).

    My worst: Nice dinner out, good conversation. We go back to my place, talk more, start kissing. After an hour of that, she announces “I should go now.” I respond “OK, but I wish you would stay.” She tells me “Give me 10 reasons that I should stay.”

    Thinking she’s joking, I respond with a few silly reasons. Then she tells me she’s serious, and DEMANDS that I give her 10 reasons to stay. After repeating the demand several more times, I tell her it’s time for her to leave.

    kevin meyers photography

    February 14, 2012 at 13:57

    • Methinks you dodged a bullet by nipping that romance in the bud.

      Thank you for sharing your story, and welcome to the madness. Can you give me 10 reasons why your date shouldn’t have been locked up?

      disseminatedthought

      February 15, 2012 at 00:33

      • That’s funny. Thanks for the laugh after a long day at work. Wish I would have thought of that response at the time.

        kevin meyers photography

        February 15, 2012 at 14:56

  28. I went on a date with a guy who informed me halfway through the evening that he believed werewolves were real and he thought he had a good chance of turning into one because his next birthday landed on a full moon. I found out later that he writes a blog dedicated to “reviewing literature that portrays werewolves in a positive light.”

    I could not make this up if I tried.

    beckony

    February 14, 2012 at 14:25

    • What the fuck? What was his position on vampires?

      “…he writes a blog dedicated to `reviewing literature that portrays werewolves in a positive light.'”

      Did he see himself as some sort of werewolf anti-discrimination crusader?

      Welcome to The Dissemination of Thought. We thought we had a werewolf here once, but it turned out to be a gerbil.

      disseminatedthought

      February 15, 2012 at 00:37

      • Oh, no he didn’t believe in vampires. That was ridiculous, you see.

        I still read his blog for the humor value.

        beckony

        February 15, 2012 at 12:11

  29. This is so hilarious. I can’t believe all the “interesting” people you have met. Good luck with your future dates, hahaha.

    danielleridgway

    February 14, 2012 at 14:25

    • Some of them were more terrifying than “interesting”.

      Thank you for the positive vibes, and welcome to my romantically challenged part of the blogosphere.

      disseminatedthought

      February 15, 2012 at 00:40

  30. Reblogged this on janesbooks and commented:
    Awesome and quite the funniest thing I’ve read today 🙂 I’m reblogging you 🙂

    janesbooks2011

    February 14, 2012 at 17:57

  31. I didn’t receive the large picture of roses. Can I exchange it for a cash refund?

    I wonder if you were too hard on the The Nympho? Those CityFerries have scenic views. I can see how she might have confused that for ‘romance’.

    Casey Marriott

    February 15, 2012 at 01:49

  32. This was both nauseating and hilarious at the same time! I thoroughly enjoyed it and look forward to reading more of your posts 🙂

    Mona Lisa

    February 16, 2012 at 06:47

    • Thanks for making an appearance, and welcome to The Dissemination of Thought. Don’t worry, everyone gets nauseous on their first visit. And their second, third and forth…

      disseminatedthought

      February 17, 2012 at 10:47

  33. Sad but funny as hell!

    mye1212

    February 17, 2012 at 02:33

  34. This still cracks me up, even revisiting it a second time. I mentioned you as a funny blog I like here:

    (http://analyseon.wordpress.com/2012/02/16/just-keep-on-blogging/).
    Cheers!

    Casey Marriott

    February 17, 2012 at 09:02

  35. Excellent post! This one was especially entertaining and has helped me further understand why guys think women are crazy.

    Curly Carly

    February 19, 2012 at 03:22

    • I’ve spoken to a few female friends since publishing this post; it seems there are more than a few crazy guys out there in the dating world, too.

      disseminatedthought

      February 24, 2012 at 20:18

  36. I obviously need to date more as I have no nut-job stories. Is it wrong to be jealous? Lol

    Jessica

    February 24, 2012 at 13:10

    • You’re probably asking the wrong person. You need to direct your question to someone who can prescribe mind-altering medication.

      Thank you for your addition to the craziness, and welcome to The Dissemination of Thought. I’ve got half a bag of pistachios and an advertisement for casual employment on my desk; will that suffice in lieu of a psychotic date?

      disseminatedthought

      February 24, 2012 at 20:11

      • I guess it will have to suffice until I get the medication!

        Jessica

        February 24, 2012 at 21:40

  37. Reading about these specimens makes me feel delightfully normal. Although I feel for wheel number three…I’ve been the girl my friend begs to accompany her. It’s always under the pretense of “other people will be there.” But I make her cover my drinks when I figure out the joke’s on me.

    WhiteElephantInTheRoom

    December 12, 2012 at 14:51

  38. You know, I suspect we’ve dated some of the same women.

    I’ve just woken up, so I most definitely won’t be compiling a top 10, but these are some of my more memorable ones.

    Girl I’d been chatting to online insisted we go out for some drinks. I go along, and she proceeds to sit there and text message an ex the whole time, eventually leaving to go see him.

    Another girl, we’re having a few drinks, appear to be getting on pretty well. I come back from the toilet and she’s chatting to another guy. I’m thinking, this is awkward… especially when she suggests that maybe I should go home. Yes. My date picked up another guy on our date. She did contact me after this, turned out she went home with him that night, but when he stood her up for a date, she found out he was already married.

    The gambler. We’re meeting for dinner, but she insists we go to the casino first. I hate gambling, but okay. She’s off playing $1 pokies, so I sit down at a 1c machine and slowly burn through $5. Okay, so she won a few hundred bucks and even insisted on paying for dinner. Never did see her again, next time I spoke to her she’d gone back and lost her car rego money.

    Similar to your BBQ experience, second date, and she’s telling me she wants me to come over and meet her parents. Yeah, it’s the second date, lady. I’m dodging that bullet.

    “You know that holiday I’m going on, and that dress that I’m making?” Ohhh. You weren’t lying. You DON’T have a boyfriend, you have a fiance. Apparently she wanted to cheat, because he cheated, and then she couldn’t be mad at him.

    Oh of course, the interviewer. This one reminded me a little of your pregnant in 3 months lady, except she already had kids. We met up to go see a movie, had a bite to eat and some drinks beforehand. Was a mostly pleasant evening. Except the whole time she’s just firing off questions like I was in a job interview. For a casual meet up as friends, I felt like i was being grilled about my past, where I am now and where I want to be in 5 years.

    This one is less a date I guess. I mean, we’d been on a couple dates, lots of phone calls and text messages. Anyhow, I come back from seeing family for xmas, and she keeps on making excuses not to see me. Eventually she tells me she’s seeing someone else and would like to see where it goes. Now, okay, I’m told this is pretty standard for women. Date multiple men at once, and then make your decision; so long as you don’t sleep with them, then it’s okay. Anyhow, sure, i’m a bit annoyed, but whatever. I wish her luck (to which she replies, “don’t be like that”… like what? I was being polite), delete her number, and after a week of bitching to friends, promptly forget her and move on. The best part is a few months down the track, I get an SMS from a number I don’t know (never delete numbers, so you know when crazy is callling) apologising for hurting me. I reply, asking who it is, and when they hurt me. She was all, “wow, do you get hurt a lot?” To which I said no, I don’t recall being hurt by anyone, and again, who is this? Well, she was all, it was a mistake to contact you, goodbye. No more replies, and still wouldn’t tell me who it was. So I dig up my old phone bills, and pin it down to this chick. She apparently thought I had spend the last three months sitting around pining for her, and was disappointed that I didn’t come running when it didn’t work out with the guy she chose over me.

    Again, not a date, more a… WTF? So I meet this woman, we get to chatting, then she writes her number down and gives it to me (completely unasked) and suggests we catch up. But when I actually use the number, she apologises, says she didn’t mean to give the wrong impression, she was just being friendly. Erm… surely being friendly is just saying, “nice meeting you, have a good day”, not writing down your phone number and giving it to someone.

    I don’t know if this is my craziest, or just the most WTF.
    I’d been out to dinner with this girl, it was all very nice, and she invites me over to her house, we can play pool and she will cook me dinner. Sweet. I go over, we play pool, darts, boardgames, she cooks dinner, it’s all going rather swimmingly. It’s been a nice day. Then we go into her bedroom. And yeah, you’re thinking, this is getting good. Right? I noticed the bulk box of condoms sitting on the dresser. You know those boxes of 12? Yeah. This is what those things come in. But then she turns on her computer and shows me her porn collection. Bestiality porn collection. Specifically, chicks with dogs. She claims someone online sent them to her, but she has an amazing amount of photos and videos of women with dogs. She tells me that she’s curious, but hasn’t tried it yet.
    It was at this point it was getting late and I really had to get going.

    Xiao Xing (@greyko)

    December 13, 2012 at 10:33

  39. I guess I have to be thankful that my bad dates were just boring!

    cafeterraceatnight

    April 15, 2013 at 12:24


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