The Dissemination of Thought

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's intelligent…

5 things I’ve learnt about cooking: the calamitous kitchen confessions of a single guy

with 556 comments

You learn a lot of new things about food, cooking and improvisation when you’re a single guy living on your own. Some of these revelations, like the fact that vanilla ice cream, cinnamon and beer make a reasonably satisfactory main meal, can save you from starving in the event that you’ve neglected to go shopping. Again. You learn how to prepare a few staple, almost impressive dishes without setting fire to your apartment or sending dinner guests home via the emergency department. Sadly, you also come to understand just how badly one can screw up even the most seemingly idiot-proof of tasks in the kitchen. Don’t believe me? Let’s have a look at 5 things I’ve established as a result of my single guy cooking escapades.

1. Instructions are important and should be followed.

They say that rules are meant to be broken; cooking instructions aren’t.

How did it go from this... Source: alphabetstreet.com.au

You know those tubs of cookie dough that they sell as part of fundraising campaigns? Yeah, the ones that, in order for you to have batch after batch of fresh cookies, only require you to be competent enough to scoop out the dough and place it onto a baking tray. I stuffed them up. I didn’t adhere to the instructions (or heed the advice of others) when it was suggested that “a small ball of dough” would produce a white choc macadamia cookie of adequate proportions. I scooped out a small ball of dough; it looked tiny, so I substituted small for lime-sized and left them to bake. What I removed from the oven was more mutated slice than batch of delectable cookies. Instead of having something that would make Nigella proud, I was holding an abomination that would get Stephen King’s tick of approval.

...to this?

What’s the moral of this cookie chronicle? Small always means small, and if something says to use a baking tray, use one.

Just to demonstrate that I’m a really slow learner, I once had black smoke coming off a bag of microwave popcorn because I thought that the manufacturer’s recommended zapping time didn’t sound long enough.

2. Garnishing anything with herbs makes it look fancy.

This doesn’t really need explaining: the pictures below say more than I ever could.

Instant noodles: a boring meal.

Instant noodles with parsley: a gourmet experience that you'd pay $25 at a restaurant for.

3. Hard-boiled and raw eggs should not be fridge friends.

Cravings are hard to resist. My last craving of note was for hard-boiled eggs, and when it got to the point of seeing eggs with little feet dancing around my head, I arrived at the conclusion that it was time to take action. About the eggs, not the hallucinations. I bought a carton and, upon getting back to my apartment, dropped seven or eight of them into boiling water. Unfortunately, there are twelve eggs in a carton*, and I didn’t have room in my fridge for the carton itself. My solution was to remove the uncooked eggs from the confinement of their cardboard prison and place them directly onto a shelf in the fridge, unencumbered and free to roll around.

Ordinarily, this action in itself wouldn’t have posed any real problem, but when some idiot – possibly me – decided to put the hard-boiled eggs alongside them, things were never going to end well.

The following day, I ruled that it was time to make one of my legendary curried egg and lettuce sandwiches. I’d also forgotten that some of the eggs hadn’t taken a swim in the saucepan. Why would I need to remember something like that? What sort of moron stores uncooked and hard-boiled eggs together in a fridge? Anyway, I’m digressing. After grabbing two of them to make up the curry mixture, I playfully dropped one onto the bench to crack the shell; that’s when I remembered that a few of the eggs in my fridge were still raw.

* Author’s note to the egg police: I know you can get them as a half-dozen, but I don’t.

Kitchen tip No. 571: always ensure that the egg you are trying to peel isn't raw.

4. Flipping the contents of your frying pan is harder than it looks.

Damn you, Jamie Oliver. After observing everyone’s favourite naked chef continually flip the contents of his frying pan with a deft flick of the wrist (no, that’s not a euphemism), I eventually asked myself why I was the only sap left using spoons and spatulas. The concept of the flip didn’t seem that difficult, and with every celebrity cook and wannabe MasterChef contestant sending their stir-fries skyward in a graceful arc with apparent ease, I made the decision to come in from the culinary cold: I was my time to flip.

You smug bastard. Source: royaldesign.com

I chose to try it for the first time while sautéing mushrooms. I was focused. I was visualising it. I was trying to determine how I should celebrate what I assumed would be a successful attempt. Putting the wooden spoon to one side, I eyeballed the frying pan and quickly snapped it upwards in a forceful yet clinical motion.

I wish I could tell you that the mushrooms landed with a poetic elegance, but I can’t: there’s nothing poetic about a hail of hot butter and fungi raining down around you.

5. Don’t attempt to make iced coffee with boiling water in a plastic cocktail shaker.

Why? Because I’ve tried this twice, and both attempts went something like this:

Step 1. Put a ludicrous amount of coffee into a plastic cocktail shaker.
Step 2. Add boiling water to the aforementioned receptacle.
Step 3. Add an even more ludicrous volume of sugar.
Step 4. Proceed to shake the hell out of the concoction until the pressure from the boiling water builds up enough to shoot the lid of the cocktail shaker off.
Step 5. Avoid the scalding – yet ridiculously sweet – caffeine-laced liquid that is now covering every inch of the kitchen.
Step 6. Watch your friends poorly re-enact steps 4 and 5 while mocking you and soiling themselves laughing.
Step 7. Begin the clean up, all the while pretending that you can’t still hear your friends giggling like 11-year-olds.

Trust me, this option is safer: it doesn't involve physical or emotional ouchies. Source: welikethis.com.au

Given that I am unable to tell the difference between an egg that’s cooked and one that isn’t, it’s unlikely that my culinary expertise will ever lead to a cookbook deal or television series, in which I travel the globe, indulging in local delicacies and imparting my wisdom upon a myriad of unsuspecting chefs. It’s a pity: I think Stirring the Pot with TDoT is a fantastic name for a cooking guide; who cares if the author has the baking ability of a spork?

Author’s note (3 February, 2012): I need to apologise.  Someone left a comment that WordPress flagged as spam, and instead of marking it not spam-esque, I accidentally banished it to limbo by clicking “Delete Permanently”. 

I can’t remember who it was that made the comment, but it was awesome.  If you are reading this and wondering why your comment hasn’t appeared, it’s probably because I fucked up.  If you could submit it again it, I promise not to screw up with the moderation for a second time.

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Written by disseminatedthought

January 21, 2012 at 09:04

556 Responses

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  1. Also a good tip, check if your eggs are cracked before you boil them. I didn’t, and recently got sick as hell from boiling a bad egg and eating it…yuck.

    fredeats

    January 21, 2012 at 09:13

    • That can’t be a good thing.

      Thank you for your contribution to the discussion, and welcome to The Dissemination of Thought.

      disseminatedthought

      January 21, 2012 at 12:15

    • Your blog is hilarious! I have been cracking up for 20 minutes now. Hey, I cook and would be happy to give you some tips. I won’t even laugh or giggle. Well, OK, I probably will, but I won’t tell you. Here’s my blog… jump in anytime.

      http://theitaliandish.wordpress.com/

      SweetBabyJ

      February 3, 2012 at 07:06

      • “… cracking up for 20 minutes…”

        Don’t crack up at my issues with cracking eggs.

        As long as I don’t hear you laughing, it didn’t happen.

        disseminatedthought

        February 3, 2012 at 21:56

    • I love your writing! My boyfriend is a chef (and I am not) so we both COMPLETELY understand and loved your post. Will follow and check back often. Thanks for sharing!

      Sarah LaChance

      February 3, 2012 at 08:45

      • Your boyfriend is a chef and he understood and empathised? Is he a good chef, or does he just throw garnishings of thyme on everything? I don’t think Gordon Ramsay would understand my plight.

        Thanks for the feedback, it’s greatly appreciated!

        disseminatedthought

        February 3, 2012 at 21:58

    • You are too cute! You remind me of my beloved husband. Just don’t put the whole jar of oyster sauce in when cooking stir fried vegies. We had to wash them off as it was totally inedible. That was 13 years ago but he did get the girl! Keep trying…

      mish

      February 7, 2012 at 23:50

  2. That shaker incident was bloody funny

    Craig Davy

    January 21, 2012 at 09:47

    • The trick to flipping stuff in the pan is (aside from practice) having a good pan. The budget Calphalons we have make this easy, but I don’t dare try flipping food in our department-store frying pans. Because food is less tasty with a distinct hint of floor added.

      Neil Fein

      January 21, 2012 at 10:03

      • I don’t think I’ll be trying it again anytime soon: a kitchen that looks like it’s been decorated with buttery mushrooms isn’t all that aesthetically pleasing.

        Does floor taste like chicken?

        disseminatedthought

        January 21, 2012 at 12:28

    • I can’t believe I did it twice.

      disseminatedthought

      January 21, 2012 at 12:16

      • Your blog is hilarious!!

        Nadia

        February 6, 2012 at 04:39

  3. Love it, i can imagine you having crap all over the kitchen, maybe use GOOGLE next time before doing any cooking.

    Cameron Keane

    January 21, 2012 at 09:50

    • I sincerely hope there aren’t websites dedicated cooking hard-boiled eggs.

      disseminatedthought

      January 21, 2012 at 12:38

      • I’m sure there are as there is a “board” entirely devoted to just eggs, http://www.aeb.org/

        Also, love this, I’m pretty sure if the two of us were ever in a kitchen together it would be both disastrous and funny.

        Emily J

        February 4, 2012 at 03:05

  4. I would pay for your cook book… awesome post!

    mrtinney

    January 21, 2012 at 10:17

    • I could scribble a few recipes and cooking tips on the back of a coaster for you; unfortunately, my agent tells me that RRP on the coaster is $39.95.

      Thank you for your feedback, and welcome to TDoT. Today’s specials include baked beans with a sprig of rosemary and sautéed mushrooms that may or may not have spent time on the tiles.

      disseminatedthought

      January 21, 2012 at 12:51

  5. You just made my evening 1000 times better. My coworker is now looking at me wondering what could be so funny as I sit and laugh out loud by myself. Thank you

    yvetteslife

    January 21, 2012 at 11:24

    • People are always wary of sitting beside those individuals who are prone to spontaneous bouts of laughter.

      Thanks for your contribution to the discussion, and welcome to the culinary carnage that is The Dissemination of Thought.

      disseminatedthought

      January 21, 2012 at 13:00

  6. Bahahahahaha. I got nothing! Seriously, the mushroom incident had me wetting my pants! Even mum’s make mistakes too! My cousin made gravy for her husband one night. She didn’t read the contents of the tin. Instead of corn flour she put icing sugar into the sauce. Hahahaha. He still ate it which means she is probably a terrible cook! Single men rejoice! Females do it too!!

    TJ

    January 21, 2012 at 12:27

    • My kitchen skills may leave a lot to be desired, but at least I don’t pee myself at the mention of flying fungus.

      disseminatedthought

      January 21, 2012 at 13:08

    • My father did the same thing to thicken up fresh picked field mushrooms one day. Ruined the whole batch as they were too sweet to eat.

      OzSpinCycle

      January 21, 2012 at 18:04

      • Thankfully, I never possess enough different ingredients to make that sort of mistake.

        disseminatedthought

        January 22, 2012 at 08:27

  7. I hate cooking. And my cookies always come out looking like that!!

    Heather Christena Schmidt

    January 21, 2012 at 12:40

    • I tried a few times to make them, but they always looked severely deformed. I did learn that raw cookie dough is fantastic, however.

      disseminatedthought

      January 21, 2012 at 13:13

  8. Oh, you solid-foods people! Eating/cooking can’t lead to anything good. Liquid lunches are the way to go.

    liquorstorebear

    January 21, 2012 at 13:33

  9. Absolutely hysterical. I can’t stop laughing. This made my night.

    krismerino

    January 21, 2012 at 13:41

    • Why does everyone find my kitchen tragedies so hysterical? There’s nothing funny about having to dodge red hot, potentially life-threatening mushrooms as they fall from the sky.

      disseminatedthought

      January 21, 2012 at 15:30

  10. I love hearing single guys talk about their cooking adventures. I have a guy friend who recently decided to try cooking. He had no idea what he was doing. The recipe he was following called for “smoked paprika.” He thought that meant he had to buy paprika and smoke it (cooking-wise, not drug-wise). He started asking his female friends “how do you go about smoking paprika??”

    There’s a trick you can do with the eggs…if you spin them on the counter, they’ll spin in different patterns depending on whether they’ve been boiled or not.

    Curly Carly

    January 21, 2012 at 15:46

    • I may have issues with making iced coffee and baking idiot-proof cookies, but I pride myself on my ability to identify spices, herbs and condiments.

      A few people have mentioned the spinning egg test today; why the hell wasn’t I aware of it?

      disseminatedthought

      January 21, 2012 at 16:46

  11. I know….I tried to bake a cake once, read the directions, thought the amount of water to add was a typo, continued to put more water than the directions called for and watched the cake bake and fall nearly flat….it was a family joke for a while….hehe I really like your site and the amount of good information that it disseminates. I have nominated you for the Versatile Blogger Award and you can find it at http://thomag2.wordpress.com have a good year.

    tom

    thomag1

    January 22, 2012 at 00:46

    • My biggest problem is looking at the recommended cooking time and temperature in the instructions and then totally disregarding the information.

      Thank you for your kind feedback and the award nomination, it’s greatly appreciated. Welcome to The Dissemination of Thought.

      disseminatedthought

      January 22, 2012 at 08:47

      • Key Word: “recommended”

        That’s where those Cooking Instruction copy writers went wrong – and took the rest of us down with them. Should we really be trusting our ingredients to “writers” whose greatest accomplishment is getting that gig where they “write” for Betty Crocker? Seriously. No wonder the novice chef screws up.

        Imagine an out-of-work porn writer (no such thing, right?) getting that BC job – “Take a pair of hot eggs in the palm of your hand…squeeeeeze it..that’s right, Baby…I SAID SQUEEZE THE F**K OUT OF THOSE SONSABITCHES….if they don’t break open and cover your hand with a slimy goo, they’re no good…go find two, fresher eggs…yeah, that’s right…that’s good, baby..

        Spectra

        February 5, 2012 at 22:21

  12. After reading this and thinking about the time I baked that spoon in the casserole, I am the equivalent of a single man with a learning disability when I turn the oven on.

    Adrienne schmadrienne

    January 22, 2012 at 01:25

    • That sounds about right. If I ever bake a utensil into something, I’m going to stop cooking altogether and live on a diet of vodka, Vegemite toast and marshmallows.

      disseminatedthought

      January 22, 2012 at 08:59

  13. funny stuff this…thanks for visiting. Not sure I’m all about revisiting the 80s and 90s but if you take a trip let me know how it turns out!

    knews2me

    January 22, 2012 at 01:51

    • Thanks for checking out The Dissemination of Thought. Our breakfast menu is available until 11:43am.

      disseminatedthought

      January 22, 2012 at 09:04

  14. You actually SUCCEEDED with the cookies, Skywalker. If I’m not mistaken, and I seldom am, what you made is a perfectly cooked tray of BAR COOKIES, which everyone knows is a speedy and delicious shortcut to individual cookies. Intent is immaterial; results matter. Just slice and serve.

    Kitchen Slattern

    January 22, 2012 at 04:45

    • I think we’ll run with that: deformed bar cookies are still delicious and equal baking success.

      disseminatedthought

      January 22, 2012 at 09:15

  15. So, I was at work, cleverly reading this from underneath an open book. It was slick. Until, I actually started to laugh out loud. Now, I’m the crazy music teacher that sits alone in her classroom and laughs at textbooks. At least take the pride away from this knowing you have forever cursed my career.

    Just kidding. About the cursing my career part anyway. The rest is truth.

    Directions are very important. Now, I can’t say that I haven’t had my fair share of culinary abortions. But I can say that I have never blown something up in my kitchen. Unfortunately, my husband does not have the same license.

    Now, here’s a new challenge for you. Erotic foods. And… Go!

    LunaSunshine

    January 24, 2012 at 07:04

    • Funnily enough, cursing someone’s career isn’t the harshest thing I’ve ever been accused of.

      Erotic foods? In what way? As I read your challenge, I saw myself being used as a human platter for one of those sushi banquets. It was a hideous image.

      disseminatedthought

      January 24, 2012 at 13:24

  16. I just eat the cookie dough raw so I can’t help you there. You are hilarious. I haven’t laughed that much in a while.

    kewsmith

    January 24, 2012 at 13:07

    • I had two attempts at baking them, and then decided eating the raw dough while I had a beer was a much easier option.

      Thanks for the feedback, and welcome to The Dissemination of Thought. Do you want a cookie? Do you want a cookie?

      disseminatedthought

      January 24, 2012 at 13:19

  17. When you cook baked beans, put the tin in a pot with water and heat the water, Eat the bean out of the can, with a plastic spoon, discard the can and spoon, tip the water down the sink and put the pot back in the cupboard… no dishes!

    reflexio.com

    January 25, 2012 at 23:19

    • Personally, I think you are a culinary visionary, but I have a question: how are the plastic spoons and cans received by guests at dinner parties?

      disseminatedthought

      January 26, 2012 at 08:24

  18. Note to self: DO NOT read blog while drinking your coke zero! (it sprays out of your nose) OMG Hilarious…and sounds very familiar.

    sillyjillyz

    January 30, 2012 at 01:35

  19. haha, thanks for the laugh. I don’t eat ramen, but with that garnish, I’d pay 20 bucks to eat it.

    • I’m sorry, but that dish is now in demand, and the RRP has jumped to $50. It’s all about supply and demand: a guy’s only got so much parsley to go around.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:01

  20. Thanks for the tips. 🙂

    emmycooks

    February 3, 2012 at 04:48

  21. Your are not alone in your kitchen woes. I make things explode and burn constantly.

    Bold Wandering

    February 3, 2012 at 04:53

  22. The noodles look sublime. Also, you should take pride in being a man – no need to calorie count! Very jealous haha

    youarenotlostyouarehere

    February 3, 2012 at 04:55

    • It’s hard to count the calories in sautéed mushrooms when they’re landing on the floor.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:06

  23. found the shaker accident to be quite entertaining! Thanks for the heads up! I will also feel a little classier when sprinkling parsley on my 3x a week serving of instant noodles! Thanks again.

    Logan

    http://blog.allamericanclothing.com/

    allamericanclothing

    February 3, 2012 at 04:56

    • Laughs are free, but my cooking tips aren’t.

      If you really want to get fancy, use rosemary.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:08

  24. Ok, glad I’m not the only one who can’t flip the stupid frying pan food. It’s kinda like the Nutragena commercials where the girl splashes the water on her face – it just doesn’t work like that!

    Cat

    February 3, 2012 at 04:58

    • Oh, the glamorous face splash that ends up looking like a watery nightmare: that’s a post all on its own.

      Thank you for stopping by The Dissemination of Thought!

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:10

  25. This was such a fun read! Totally brought a smile to my face, thank you 🙂

    kat

    February 3, 2012 at 05:00

    • You are welcome, I aim to please. If only I could aim as well when attempting the frying pan flip…

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:11

  26. Fantastic post! What a laugh I had after a long day’s work. Thanks, I needed that badly. Congrats on being freshly pressed!

    wisdom debonaire

    February 3, 2012 at 05:06

  27. Oh my god I laughed so hard at your Jamie Oliver comments. He is awesome, though. Good luck with your flipping practice!

    courtneyduncan

    February 3, 2012 at 05:08

    • You didn’t pee yourself, did you?

      Jamie is fantastic – it’s great to see someone so passionate about what they do.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:15

  28. Great post, made me laugh out loud when I read “smug bastard”!!

    bodastory

    February 3, 2012 at 05:12

    • He is a smug bastard: look at him in the photo, thinking he’s all that and a bag of chips because he can flip without emptying the contents of the frying pan all over the floor.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:17

  29. Hilarious! I love this post! I’m glad to meet a fellow garnisher! 😉
    -Kristin
    coupletastic.com

    coupletastic

    February 3, 2012 at 05:20

    • Should we start a garnishing club? Our emblem can be a sprig of parsley over a cracked egg.

      Thank you for the kind feedback, and welcome to The Dissemination of Thought.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:20

  30. This is hilarious, and wonderful, and I am going to direct every single one of my male friends (single or otherwise, and possibly some hapless girls) to this post. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed.

    truthistransient

    February 3, 2012 at 05:30

  31. Thoroughly enjoyable….the post that is.

    Karen

    February 3, 2012 at 05:31

  32. FYI, Iced coffee will make itself. Put the coffee grounds and the water in your container of choice in the fridge overnight. The next day, pour through strainer. Add ice. Voila. Or you can use a french press. Starbucks here in the state even sells a travel coffee mug with a french press in it.

    cmtsullivan

    February 3, 2012 at 05:33

  33. LOL. Hilarious. So true about the garnish!!!

    morningjunky

    February 3, 2012 at 05:33

  34. I mentioned my fear of having to live alone and not being able to cook in my blog, so this seems even funnier to me.

    But oh dear, sautéing? It’s my nightmare. I thought it just involved throwing contents into a pan with hot oil.

    I did that for some vegetables for an omelette I was making. I put oil in a non-stick pan, put vegetables in and used a wooden spatula to stir/move them occasionally. The vegetables became brown and I took them out, I left the pan because I had to get to class. My mom screamed at me for making her life difficult because removing burned oil from a non-stick pan is hell.

    Fun times.

    AGIAD(A Guy in a Dress)

    February 3, 2012 at 05:38

    • Nothing tells you that you’ve failed as a chef quite like the scalding kiss of mushrooms.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:28

  35. Who says cooking for one can’t be fun and adventurous!

    aFrankAngle

    February 3, 2012 at 05:43

    • It’s especially fun and adventurous when it makes its way into your stomach.

      AGIAD(A Guy in a Dress)

      February 3, 2012 at 09:19

    • You know what’s more fun? Waiting for your curry to be delivered while you kick back with a beer.

      Thanks for stopping by The Dissemination of Thought!

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:30

  36. Very enjoyable blog and oh, so true too. A baking tray means a baking tray, I found to my cost with some ‘orrid oven chips (fries) when I unthinkingly cooked them in a roasting tin. Parboil/steam baked instead of crispy – never again. Cookies in a tin withsides? Hmmm. There’s a comment above about boiling beans in the tin in a pan of water. When a kid this was the way we cooked quite a few tinned items: beans, spag in tom sauce, steamed tinned puds … but you have to puncture two holes in the top (one at each side) to prevent possible explosive can syndrome. Stopped bean juice etc drying up and gave a better flavour, I reckon. Thanks again for your great post 😉

    DoF@theinfill

    February 3, 2012 at 05:45

    • That was my problem: I figured that if it was metal and went in the oven, it was the right tray. Lamentably, the cookies seemed to disagree with that belief.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:32

  37. Hey, you do a lot better than I do, and I’ve been married 33 years. My husband does better than I do. Thanks for sharing. Connie
    http://7thandvine.wordpress.com/

    conniewalden

    February 3, 2012 at 05:45

    • I think you should put him in charge of all cooking duties. Tell him I said it was okay.

      Thanks for visiting, I hope the mess in the kitchen didn’t scare you off.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:33

  38. that boiled egg thing has happened with me too… kitchen and i can hardly be friends…

    littlemissobsessivesanatomy

    February 3, 2012 at 05:54

    • Does your kitchen mock you after you’ve fucked up like mine does?

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:34

      • today i was really hungry …wanted to make me a simple sandwich…realized there is no bread… so i chopped some veggies to make me an omelet …it burnt a little.. my mom looked at it n i said “what? i like it burnt..it smells nice” … truth is i wished i had got me bread from the shop nearby… 😉 ‘
        …i hate cooking…but i find it interesting to experiment with three things…noodles, eggs n bread….

        littlemissobsessivesanatomy

        February 4, 2012 at 01:15

  39. As a woman who grew up with 2 culinary masters, it is with great embarrassment and humility that I admit that I too have had similar experiences, and for the life of me STILL cannot cook an edible bowl of rice. The good news is, no matter who you are, you can’t mess up a bottle of wine.

    Danya

    February 3, 2012 at 06:06

    • Amen to that. I’ve always found that having a second bottle of wine on hand helps, just in case the first one evaporates unexpectedly.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:35

  40. I can just picture everyone of these scenarios happening and they’re hilarious (well, maybe not as you’re experiencing them)! I bet my neighbors can here me through the walls.
    For your cookie “mishap”, I actually think it turned out fine. You now have cookie bars, just cut to the size you want!
    Was going to mention the spin trick to tell if eggs are raw or hard boiled, but others beat me to it.

    Nicolle

    February 3, 2012 at 06:10

    • If you closed your eyes as you ate them, the cookies were fabulous: they were like little misshaped parcels of bliss.

      I can’t believe I’d never heard about the spinning prior to posting this piece.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:38

  41. And I definitely meant “hear me”

    Nicolle

    February 3, 2012 at 06:10

  42. You are hilarious! I just have to say though, that I’m very glad my mother-in-law taught my husband to cook.

    If your interested, Mark Bittman has an excellent cookbook, for new and seasoned cooks alike, called, “How to Cook Everything.” I love to cook and have many books, but that is my go-to book for just about, well, everything.

    TisaLira

    February 3, 2012 at 06:11

    • I’ve given up on cooking: it’s easier to just drink.

      Thank you for your contribution to the discussion!

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:40

  43. This is a riot!! 🙂 I just posted about making homemade iced coffee that doesn’t involve hot water. Maybe the decreased risk of a third degree burn will change your mind about making your own?? Good luck!

    lostartofsimpleliving

    February 3, 2012 at 06:17

  44. Love the garnish idea! I did that just the other day with a mushroom omelette garnishing with cucumber slices! Very funny!

    Sarah Harris

    February 3, 2012 at 06:19

  45. Can’t stop laughing! Great writing! 😀

    Baking with Sibella

    February 3, 2012 at 06:20

    • Don’t laugh too hard, you’ll hurt your internal mushrooms.

      (No, I have absolutely no idea what I mean by “internal mushrooms”.)

      Thanks for visiting TDoT!

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:45

  46. Coming from someone who, even after a lifetime of living with mainly women, has to read the instructions on bags of pasta and pancake mix, this is a surprisingly accurate set of experiments in the kitchen. There’s hardly an excuse to do them more than once though. Just one lime sized cookie works, but often enough my cookie dough doesn’t even make it to the oven – so on that one, congratulations!

    tradersolstice

    February 3, 2012 at 06:36

  47. Dude, this is GREAT….

    I may have to take some of your ideas and add them in a future “rant” on my site, FedUpFood.com

    Seriously…I think I have never once followed any cooking instructions…its a gamble. Usually the food comes out good, but other times I have ruined entire meals (luckily there is always milk and cereal as a backup)

    Mr. Fed Up

    February 3, 2012 at 06:41

    • Each idea will cost you $3,800. Cash only.

      Ah, cereal, the underrated delicacy. I once considered adding red wine to Coco Pops because I didn’t have any milk. In hindsight, I’m glad I didn’t.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:51

  48. Thanks for those handy tips…I don’t know if kitchen advice has ever made me laugh out loud before.

    Here is a tip for you…Dry the boiled eggs with after they have cooled a bit and write a big “B” in pencil on each. The spin test is fine, but I could never remember which type spin which way.

    ahircock

    February 3, 2012 at 06:44

  49. All I can say is Too damn funny. Good for you!

    patoisbystebner

    February 3, 2012 at 06:50

    • Thanks for your feedback, and thank you for visiting my chaotic little corner of the blogosphere.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:52

  50. LOL! I’m a single gal and have done many of those things, including finding eggs in my friends fridge and making myself a soft-boiled one (so I thought) – turned out they were already hard-boiled – came out a bit like ‘pot eggs’ 😉

    I was also once following a recipe (for chocolate eclairs) and it said pipe 2 inch strips. That looked tiny so I said to hell with that and piped just 2 strips across the baking tray. I opened the oven and wondered who’d put 2 loaves of bread in there!

    Brilliant post – really enjoyed that,
    Carol.

    mountaincoward

    February 3, 2012 at 06:52

    • I don’t suppose you have a photo of the eclair loaves? I’d love to see them, because I think doing so would make me feel better about the cookies.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 22:56

  51. Oh my gosh DARE! I haven’t had that since I left Australia. Makes me so thirsty!

    Cassie

    February 3, 2012 at 06:53

  52. Love your thoughts on single guy cooking! Funny guy!

    lace love affair

    February 3, 2012 at 07:07

  53. I recently received a coupon in the mail for pre-hardboiled eggs. They come wrapped in plastic, 4 in a bag, prepeeled. And I think they’re organic!

    Farah Ng @ Broken Penguins

    February 3, 2012 at 07:08

  54. Oh my! You’re Freshly Pressed!!! Congratulations DoT!! So happy for you! 🙂

    PCC Advantage

    February 3, 2012 at 07:20

  55. Hilarious and cute too.

    Carlie Chew

    February 3, 2012 at 07:30

  56. Congrats on making the Freshly Pressed page!

    sandylikeabeach

    February 3, 2012 at 07:34

    • Thank you. It came as somewhat of a surprise when I woke up at 6:00am, grabbed my BlackBerry and saw that there were 200+ email notifications waiting for me.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 23:07

  57. Nice really Cool Recipe .

    Shahid Shafiq

    February 3, 2012 at 07:35

  58. Maybe you should try a recipe website. allrecipes.com has some good ones. just make sure you actually follow the directions 😉

    havecoffeewilltravel

    February 3, 2012 at 07:43

    • I’d always thought that following directions was boring, but being accosted by Frankenstein’s cookies makes you reassess a lot of things.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 23:11

  59. Thank you for making me laugh! Even if it was on a bus full of people. Good luck!

    beshalach

    February 3, 2012 at 07:50

  60. Those cookies you made still looked good. You just made one really-big cookie. Brilliant. My biggest single-guy cooking revelation was the purchase of a stainless steel, stovetop vegetable steamer. Quick, easy, no clean-up, no prep and… nutritious!

    On another topic, I enjoy setting off my fire alarm repeatedly with slightly burnt skillet salmon. Yaaah! Loud beeping again and salmon goes outside on the patio. I need a good woman in my life 😉

    davidwallacefleming

    February 3, 2012 at 07:50

  61. Baked beans are REALLY good eaten cold, out of the can. Add mayo. Yes.

    Hard-boiled eggs just need two things — a little penciled H on the shell (for hard) — and a bowl to put them into so they are separate from the non-boiled ones. Do NOT used a magic marker because then the cooked egg white is all colored and gross. I have learned this.

    broadsideblog

    February 3, 2012 at 07:53

    • Baked beans and mayonnaise? I’m going to have to give that a whirl.

      Is it okay if I substitute the “H” for a happy face? A hard-boiled egg is a smiling egg.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 23:15

  62. Flipping is simple. It’s push-pull. I nailed it on my first try and i haven’t looked back since.

    st00ge

    February 3, 2012 at 07:54

    • You flipping experts aren’t welcome here. You and Mr Oliver can take your frying pans and go and sit outside under that tree.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 23:17

      • HAHA 😀

        Cat

        February 4, 2012 at 03:40

  63. Despite all your cooking fails, you still sound a lot more competent in the kitchen than I am.

    d_vaz

    February 3, 2012 at 07:55

    • That’s just sad.

      Thank you for making me feel better about myself, and welcome to The Dissemination of Thought.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 23:18

      • It is sad. I applaud you for all of your attempts. I think one of my main problems is I’m too scared to try anything because I have little faith in my culinary skills.

        d_vaz

        February 6, 2012 at 10:47

  64. Hilarious! Thank you for the laughs in the middle of an otherwise drab day…it was much needed and much appreciated. I look forward to reading more of your posts 🙂

    faithofmustard

    February 3, 2012 at 08:07

  65. Ha ha, brilliant. It takes quite a genius to get pre-made cookie dough cookies wrong! V Impressed.

    swf30

    February 3, 2012 at 08:12

  66. Congrats on being Freshly Pressed! Well-deserved, your hilarious antics deserve to be shared with the world 🙂

    byroisinhealy

    February 3, 2012 at 08:14

  67. Such a great post and so right on! I have tried several times to flip stuff in a pan and no matter how great you try to look doing it, it ends up a mess. You sound like you know alot about a kitchen, and even if you think you can’t cook you sure can speak the language.

    ecomom22

    February 3, 2012 at 08:19

  68. Oh dear Lord. If you can manage to learn how to follow directions I’ll get you that book “A Man, a Can and a Plan.” Seems that’s as fancy as you should be getting! 🙂

    Ana

    February 3, 2012 at 08:21

  69. This post is absolutely hilarious. Burst out laughing at work, oops… Kudos!

    the French Coast

    February 3, 2012 at 08:23

    • Thanks, I’m glad you enjoyed it.

      Do you work in an environment where pissing yourself laughing could mean that you’re still being productive?

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 23:27

  70. You are hilarious!! I love your humor and I love that you really screwed up the eggs. You had me rolling *no pun intended*

    val
    http://valentinedefrancis.wordpress.com

    valentinedee

    February 3, 2012 at 08:26

    • What’s it say about society that so many people find my kitchen mistakes hilarious?

      Thank you for your contribution, and welcome to The Dissemination of Thought.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 23:29

  71. Thank you for making me laugh out loud with your wry humour 🙂 your cookies were particularly entertaining…

    thecuriouscamera

    February 3, 2012 at 08:26

  72. Ha-ha! You can always make it sound like you wanted a cookie “cake” instead of individual cookies. Yes, cookies sheet, spacing and ensuring they are teaspoons of cookie dough instead of golf balls is important 😉

    Pamanner

    February 3, 2012 at 08:49

  73. Very clever and funny observations. Love your blog!

    I Made You A Mixtape

    February 3, 2012 at 08:51

  74. Very funny! My 20-year-old mollycoddled boyfriend has been left alone by his parents for the week, having to cook for himself. I am sure his experiences would match yours! Thank goodness for supernoodles, hey!

    Hannah Burke

    February 3, 2012 at 08:52

    • I’ve decided to make “mollycoddled” the word of the day; you need to use it in a sentence at least 4 times.

      Thank you for visiting The Dissemination of Thought.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 23:36

  75. HAHAHAHAHAHA!! found you through freshly pressed. glad i clicked. i must admit it was the picture that drew me in. i’m defo gonna put garnish on my noodles from now on!

    just a small note on the egg thing – you can tell which ones are cooked by spinning them on the counter. the raw ones kinda wobble while the cooked ones spin nice, evenly and fast. also it’s kinda fun to do.

    susanathyn

    February 3, 2012 at 08:54

    • If I had a dollar for each time I’d heard that advice after the egg drama, I’d be able to pay someone to cook for me.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 23:38

  76. I lol’d so hard at the hail of butter and mushrooms bit 🙂 wonderful!

    web_vixen

    February 3, 2012 at 08:59

  77. Your blog, just had me in fits of giggles, so thank you for cheering up a rather mundane thursday evening! I’m pleased to know that i am not the only Nigella reject and i feel its worth noting – you cannot put cling film in the oven a fact discovered this year already! xoxo

    lifeinhandbags

    February 3, 2012 at 09:08

    • I’m glad I could make your evening a little more entertaining.

      As for the cling film, even I know that’s not a good move.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 23:44

  78. This made me laugh! Your culinary skills sound about as good as mine!

    SmudgeLove

    February 3, 2012 at 09:23

  79. Haha, this was great. I loved all your tips!

    cookingcollegechick

    February 3, 2012 at 09:43

  80. Ha Ha…. Had a friend come to live with us years ago, a man who had moved from his mums house then in with his soon-to-be-ex wife and had never looked after himself for a moment. We took a kind of perverse pleasure in teaching him how to look after himself. One day he was attempting to crack eggs for scrambling and, passing by, I casually mentioned that he should use the egg opener for that. ‘What? Do we have one of them?’ he asked excitedly. I left him searching the kitchen for the non-existent utensil. Ahh…memories….

    metan

    February 3, 2012 at 10:08

    • That’s mean, but as funny as shit.

      Welcome to TDoT. Left-handed egg openers can be found in aisle 5.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 23:46

  81. Student trick = You can add cheese to any meal, so always keep a block handy. Good post 🙂

    Pissant Partisan

    February 3, 2012 at 10:22

    • You are absolutely right: a block of cheese, when working in tandem with a bunch of parsley, can make anyone look like a gourmet chef.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 23:48

  82. Do not worry, we all have been there, all of us that pretend to be the good cooking type, home made chefs, or real chefs .. after 2 restaurants in Paris and some high tempered ‘ great’ chefs , believe me
    nothing come easy in the kitchen, but once you master some, oh well it’s creative and rewarding ..
    keep trying and trying …:)

    Delizie Delizie

    February 3, 2012 at 10:28

    • Thanks for your contribution to the discussion, and welcome to The Dissemination of Thought.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 00:07

  83. I just found this blog. Great stuff man.

    simalex

    February 3, 2012 at 10:40

  84. A hilarious post, but the learnings are there too, which are good tips for beginners..I have gone through similar situations,except for the flipping attempt.. I had a good laugh and enjoyed the post very much!!!

    ureekka

    February 3, 2012 at 10:46

  85. I’m pretty sure this is one of the best blog posts that I have ever read. I can relate to you in a sense that all my single guy friends come to me for cooking advice. By cooking advice, I mean reaping the benefits of me not knowing how to cook for anything less than a small army. Thank you for the good laughter, and good luck in your culinary adventures.

    bracysarah

    February 3, 2012 at 10:52

    • Wow, that’s a huge call. Before I thank you, this isn’t the first blog piece that you’ve ever read, is it?

      Thank you for your kind feedback, and welcome to the Freshly Pressed kitchen of chaos.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 23:51

  86. Oh oh. I find it adorable you really do try hard in cooking and baking. I love to cook and bake, but I must admit, I’ve burned a popcorn bag or two and the smell from them is awful. Ugh! Hence, I hardly eat popcorn anymore. Do you watch any YouTube videos of cooking certain foods? I do and I find myself lost in watching them. They are informative and half of the videos I subscribe to on YouTuber are of people who show you how to make a certain dish. Great blog and congrats on being Freshly Pressed! 🙂

    Java Girl

    February 3, 2012 at 11:05

    • That’s me in a nutshell: adorable until dinner bursts into flames.

      I set fire to a pair of socks in the microwave once while trying to dry them, but that’s another story…

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 23:55

  87. I’ve known lots of guys like you…. but you’re the first to have the courage to write about it!

    I tried teaching some college friends how to prep meat for freezing and it resulted in them giving a whole chicken a bath complete with towel drying… but I digress. Here are some tips you might find helpful:
    ~ after you cook hard boiled eggs, mark a X on the shell with pencil to know which are cooked and which are “in the raw.”
    ~ add one of those raw eggs, slightly beaten, to your hot noodle soup (after the noodles have hydrated) and stir it in to create your own egg drop soup
    ~ flipping stuff in a frying pan is just plain overrated!
    ~ while your cookies didn’t exactly look like traditional cookies, you could pass them off as bar cookies
    ~ best method for making ice coffee is to make a batch of strong coffee the day before, add whatever you may use in your coffee, and then refrigerate it overnight and add to a tall glass with ice. OR, get some instant espresso powder, hydrate in slightly warm water, “season to taste” and pour over ice and add water

    I might also suggest finding a girl friend who is a good cook and do a trade off… she will give you cooking lessons and you can help her by moving some furniture or work on her vehicle or trim some trees. Good luck!

    Coco

    February 3, 2012 at 11:06

    • I figured it was time to come clean: girls like self-depreciating writers with limited kitchen skills, don’t they?

      Thank you for your handy kitchen tips!

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 23:57

      • yes, I think most females someone who doesn’t take themselves serious. I mean, how many of us are curing deadly diseases???

        And, those of us who are very clever in the kitchen, don’t mind helping those who are a little challenged there… I mean, I’ve know people who weren’t sure how to boil water! Good luck… and if all else fails, stock up on some microwave meals = )

        [Don’t wither away… we need to keep reading your escapades!]

        Coco

        February 4, 2012 at 14:16

  88. Might I suggest adding spam or sliced hot dogs to your instant noodles? Easiest way to add some meat to your meal =)

    hollytsang

    February 3, 2012 at 11:15

    • No, you may not suggest anything that involves SPAM. I’ve actually tried cut up sausages with instant noodles before: I’m a fan.

      disseminatedthought

      February 3, 2012 at 23:59

  89. The line “Garnishing anything with herbs makes it look fancy” is so true. When I’m by myself I’ll cook pasta, pour in ready made sauce, pour on plate. When serving it to another I do the exact same thing except garnish with basil and blatantly lie about how long it took to make the sauce.

    jasperwrites

    February 3, 2012 at 11:17

  90. Wow, I thought I had some pretty amusing moments in the kitchen. I have a total appreciation of Ramen Noodles. BTW, add a can of tuna or chicken and top with cheese. It makes an equally impressive dish.

    heyceliacwhatsfordinner

    February 3, 2012 at 11:22

  91. I’m not going to go on a rant about cooking, but I do feel your pain. If I didn’t have my wonderful gf who’s usually nice enough to cook for me I’d be on the ramen diet. 😦

    Brad

    February 3, 2012 at 11:37

  92. That’s really funny! But you know, half the fun is in being experimental. My kids are always telling me to do it by the book but where’s the fun in life if you do that! That said, fungi on your head must be a trying experience.

    butimbeautiful

    February 3, 2012 at 11:50

  93. Haha nice list! I am also a bit cooking-challenged (although I can bake!) and do the parsley garnish frequently.

    Sarah B @ Bake + Bike

    February 3, 2012 at 12:04

  94. Ohhhh, I had a married couple live with me last year and they used to boil eggs in ridiculous quantities and leave them in the fridge without telling me. It didn’t lead to disaster, but led to me think they were insane.
    Yay for getting Freshly Pressed!

    tennizzlle

    February 3, 2012 at 12:21

    • Before we go throwing the insane tag around together, what do you classify as a “ridiculous” quantity?

      Thanks for your congratulations, it’s been a “ridiculous” day.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 00:12

  95. What a great read. I laughed all the way through. Whatever dish you cook add a spot of parsley and it becomes a five star meal. http://www.norrisaroundaustralia.com

    Thanks for writing.

    Nomadic Photographers

    February 3, 2012 at 12:24

  96. this was just the source of amusement I needed today.

    thank you 🙂

    clemmergirl

    February 3, 2012 at 12:26

    • I’m glad my little blog could help. I’d offer you a cookie, but you saw how they turned out.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 00:14

  97. Love this! I feel like I can barely boil water myself! Thanks for the giggle 🙂

    Victoria

    February 3, 2012 at 12:34

    • Hopefully, this step-by-step guide will help:

      Step 1. Fill something with hot water from the tap.
      Step 2. Put the something from Step 1 into the microwave and set it to do its thing for 28 minutes on High.
      Step 3. Enjoy your liquid supernova.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 00:18

  98. You may never be a chef, but you have a natural way of making people laugh, and this is valuable. I hope you can do something with your ability to make us laugh, smile, giggle, and allow the giggle box within to turn over. I would say, make it a chef act. Why not ??

    rubiescorner

    February 3, 2012 at 12:37

    • Will people who don’t have a fungi fetish pay to have a giggling maniac throw burning mushrooms at them?

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 00:21

  99. Yea, that made me giggle: trying to flip frying pan’s contents so effortlessly.

    Have fun in the culinary inventions. ‘Cause that’s what it is –fun.

    Jean

    February 3, 2012 at 12:40

  100. And people make fun of me for burning myself every other time I’m in the kitchen 🙂

    EmmieElle

    February 3, 2012 at 12:53

  101. That was hilarious!!! I am sure you will get better soon with all cooking instruction. Remember screw Jamie Oliver!!

    lespoemes

    February 3, 2012 at 12:58

  102. Your blog is quite funny, and I can definitely relate to it. One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to try to eat better (i.e. more fruits and vegetables and less sweets, which is a monumental challenge for me)…so I attempted to make a fruit smoothie with my blender (which I have never used, actually)….so yeah, i BURNED the ice in the blender as I was attempting to create my own smoothie recipe. Who knew you could burn ice? Kind of reminds me of the Amelia Bedelia kid’s book series (the time when Amelia was in the kitchen….it is hilarious stuff). Alas, I long to be Betty Crocker, but what can I say? I am a work in progress.

    julieannesmith

    February 3, 2012 at 13:20

    • You did what with the ice?

      Maybe a 100% fruit diet is the answer to my kitchen mishaps: if everything’s raw, the worst I can do is cut myself.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 00:28

  103. I am very good at cooking boiled eggs, only sometimes the eggs don’t cook and I end up eating them half cooked so that I don’t waste them. Fantastic blog. Hilarious too.

    omwaombara

    February 3, 2012 at 13:21

    • Partially raw eggs don’t sound all that appealing.

      Thank you for your feedback and contribution. Welcome to The Dissemination of Thought, where eggs are free to be themselves.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 00:32

  104. Hey, I remember this post! Congrats on your Freshly Pressed!

    Frugalistablog

    February 3, 2012 at 13:54

  105. I had a friend who baked a roll of cookies…in the wrapper….at 450….for 30 minutes. You’re doing just fine!

    thalia3

    February 3, 2012 at 13:59

  106. It’s weird, but using Sharpies to mark C on your cooked eggs will help you tell the difference. I’m not sure what the Nutritional Content of Sharpie ink is though.

    Julie

    February 3, 2012 at 14:01

  107. Ha! I’m pretending to quietly laugh at this post, but secretly in my head I am agreeing with every single point (especially the eggs one – been there, done that). This is a post that every bachelor can relate to, and as my kitchen wall here in my apartment in NYC can testify, flipping things in a pan is way easier said that done. Love it, and look forward to reading more in the future.

    Birthday NYC

    February 3, 2012 at 14:11

    • I’m glad that I’m not the only one who’s defaced a kitchen while attempting the flip.

      Thank you for stopping by, and welcome to TDoT.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 00:37

  108. This is an amazing post and so true about single living! You should see the amount of meals I get out of tuna and noodles in a week.

    prosewithabbitude

    February 3, 2012 at 14:14

  109. I agree with everything in this post, and I enjoy the dry humor. Also, I now feel accomplished in that I can flip my stuff in a frying pan, which somehow made the rest of this day infinitely better. Thanks a lot for the epic post. I’d probably like it a hundred times if I could. ^_^

    foreverpaper

    February 3, 2012 at 14:17

  110. Thank you for the great laugh! Laughter is like the best medicine, and I needed it tonight! You may have saved a member of your gender from a good telling off tonight… Even if he still will be receiving a call from my lawyer tomorrow.

    Just FYI to all, cooking is not a gender based talent. Just ask my family! I am rarely allowed near the kitchen to even help with dinner. Now when it is time for dessert, I am the pastry chef of choice. I have personally burned up 5 or more sets of pots and pans. Hint: turn heat down to medium to cook most everything.

    Oh you can make lime sized cookies just put them on a bigger cookie sheet and spread them out farther apart. You will end up with huge cookies, but that is just fine!

    The flipping the frying pan is overrated, although I somehow did figure it out. I rarely do use it! I have to admit that in the process of figuring it out I had egg all over the stove. It sounds like you just gave it a little too much muscle.

    Thank you for cheering me up!
    Sj

    the777man

    February 3, 2012 at 14:50

    • I’m glad I could cheer you up!

      I think the flipping incident had more to do with my lack of skill, but I appreciate your attempt to make it sound like a “too much muscle” problem.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 00:43

  111. Burnt popcorn is the worst smell on earth next to something-died-inside farts. But at least you can walk away from the latter, the popcorn smell permeates everything.

    The Spinster

    February 3, 2012 at 15:25

  112. Thank you for turning my semi-boring evening into a more interesting one. I laughed and “oh-no’ed” at every part! =)

    Tamar Hela

    February 3, 2012 at 15:35

  113. Sorry but your kitchen misery & mishaps had me giggling… especially the D-I-Y iced coffee. Thank you for making my Friday happy ^__^

    jumbledcoffeethoughts

    February 3, 2012 at 15:56

    • You are incredibly welcome!

      I’m not sure how much you were laughing, but no amount of chuckling could equal that of the two friends who witnessed the display.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 00:50

  114. Reblogged this on mineblogs123 and commented:
    hi there

    mineblogs123

    February 3, 2012 at 16:08

  115. Certainly one of the best Freshly Pressed posts I’ve read in a long time! Loved every bit of it. 🙂

    dustedoff

    February 3, 2012 at 16:12

    • I’m glad you enjoyed it. Welcome to The Dissemination of Thought, which will probably be rebranded as The Dissemination of Sautéed Fungi in the not-too-distant future.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 00:53

      • Now that comment is enough to make me come back again and again!

        dustedoff

        February 4, 2012 at 01:13

  116. You need to come check out my blog for lazy chefs. Warning though, the more recent posts are a bit complex, I think you’ll need to go right back to basics, the early posts 🙂

    I laughed so hard reading this. Great writing you’ve got there 😀

    fati's recipes

    February 3, 2012 at 16:39

    • I’m not a lazy chef: there’s a big difference between lazy and incompetent.

      I look forward to checking out your blog.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 00:55

  117. Your post made me laugh out loud today – a difficult thing when you’re about to walk out of the house at 7am, into sub-zero temperatures and snow.

    Thank you!

    Miz Dee

    February 3, 2012 at 16:45

  118. Now this is one of the funnier posts I’ve read in freshly pressed in some time. Thanks for the laugh!

    truthspew

    February 3, 2012 at 16:47

  119. i would love to read about the confessions of a single girl.

    Being single and cooking single is all fun 🙂 but at times it’s boring , specialy if you are not the person who loves to dine alone.

    I live alone and loves to cook , learn a lot from mom , aunts and grandma’s …. but when living alone , one tends to skip the effort to prepare just a bowl of meal …

    Nice article !! I thoroughly enjoyed

    Regards,
    Saakshi

    Saakshi Nagpal

    February 3, 2012 at 16:59

    • Thank you for visiting, and for adding to the discussion about my cooking skills, or lack thereof.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 00:58

  120. Funny! I don’t know if anyone has mentioned it yet but this is good information is good to know. It’s always a good idea to set a timer when boiling eggs. Because if you get distracted, those babies can…and do…explode. And I know from experience (unfortunately!)…blown up eggs make a BIG mess. 🙂

  121. I admire that you try! So many men don’t bother. Well done and good luck! You will make some girl very happy one day.

    P.S.I am single 😉

    leeschmidt

    February 3, 2012 at 17:06

    • It’s either try or starve. Man cannot live on vodka, red wine and sushi alone; I know, I’ve tried.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 01:04

  122. Just keep trying, never give up and one day you’ll be eating a lovely meal produced by yourself….

    Angelwings6

    February 3, 2012 at 17:47

  123. Congratulations on being freshly pressed! If you ever decide you want to try flipping pan contents again, try toasting a piece of bread and then practice flipping it in a COLD pan until you have the hang of it. Try to get the toast to land gently in the center of the pan while imagining that it’s a very breakable raw egg (sorry to bring up bad memories!). Don’t try to give the contents a lot of height, let them slide ever so slightly forward in the pan, and give the minimal wrist flick you think you need. You can adjust slightly as needed if the contents don’t flip, but it’s actually a very small, smooth (not jerky or violent at all–no shoulder action needed) movement. My chef, when he felt desperate enough to cull a dishwasher and turn me into a line cook flipping eggs for hundreds of customers a day, made me do this for two hours everyday for a week. If you’re forever scarred from your burning mushroom shower, don’t worry! Flipping pan contents inevitably results in at least a little more oil and sauce splatter than just using a spatula (more clean up…oh, and side tip, use minimal oil; there’s no need to increase your risk of splatter back and burns if you don’t have to), and I’m convinced the main reason chefs do it is because keeping that many clean utensils chronically on hand is impractical for high output. Succeeding in a home kitchen involves vigilance (or a trusty timer), observation, and yes, playing by the rules until you know them well enough to know when you can break them. Sounds like you’re learning quickly, though! Oh, and you’re right: garnish and presentation can make or break an otherwise palatable dish.

    twistingthreads

    February 3, 2012 at 17:53

    • Thanks for the flip tips. If I do attempt it again, I’ll put the clip on YouTube: nothing goes viral faster than a video of a guy curled up and screaming as hot fungi hits him.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 01:07

  124. Reblogged this on .

    I wanna be a stylist

    February 3, 2012 at 17:55

  125. Reblogged this on mumbaimusings and commented:
    I found this hysterical account of a single guy trying to channel his inner Jamie Oliver. Worth a read.

    shunalishroff

    February 3, 2012 at 18:29

  126. I really liked your ramen picture! If you think something is bland, add your favorite hot sauce!

    virtuos and beautiful

    February 3, 2012 at 18:31

  127. Omg! this is hilarious. I can see myself in all these situations, while the techie (my husband who’s an amazing cook) laughs his head off.

    nmaha

    February 3, 2012 at 19:43

    • I want to see a video clip of your husband doing the flip while he’s laughing his head off.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 01:12

  128. I like your humor!

    barbara

    February 3, 2012 at 20:15

  129. I love this post. I myself am one who cannot bake, except for casseroles. Cookies? fail. They always end up like yours, even if I follow the direction to a T. Pies? crust is always underbaked. And I would like to let you know, that after 5 years of trying, I have finally managed spaghetti. I always thought it would be just like any other pasta. Wrong. If you don’t do it just right, it comes out like glue. And none of that crap about adding oil. I still manage to fail.

    You should write a cookbook, what not to do in the kitchen. I think it would be a bestseller, and not just to the male population.

    somethingremembered

    February 3, 2012 at 20:48

    • What sort of RRP could we set for the cookbook? What would people be willing to pay for tales of kitchen stupidity?

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 01:15

  130. lol love your attempt at cookies 🙂

  131. Reblogged this on gayu23784 and commented:
    NICE

    gayu23784

    February 3, 2012 at 20:50

  132. I LOVED THIS!!! I am no kitchen whiz myself. I’ve been known to burn popcorn one or twice. HAHA. I really enjoyed this post. THANKS! 🙂

    Jumbled Up Jinggy

    February 3, 2012 at 20:56

  133. Next time I worry that I can’t be arsed to cook – I will find some parsley and place it on toast. You are a genius. In fact, I’ll never have to cook again- which will save me burning myself like I ALWAYS DO.

    THANKS.

    colesk

    February 3, 2012 at 21:09

  134. fun read, I’ve been there but never been brave enough to admit it.

    mdprincing

    February 3, 2012 at 21:25

  135. Everything about being a bachelor chef is trial-and-error. EVERYTHING.

    Jbot

    February 3, 2012 at 21:27

  136. haha i love the parsley picture!

    fattylanes

    February 3, 2012 at 21:38

  137. Reblogged this on Escenas Triestinas and commented:
    Me encanta

    lourdes

    February 3, 2012 at 21:50

  138. IMPORTANT PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT. PAY ATTENTION, THERE WILL BE A TEST.

    Since this piece was Freshly Pressed this morning, I’ve been inundated with texts, tweets, comments and emails; the feedback has been overwhelming, and I’m yet to receive one negative comment. To be honest, I’m a little bit upset by the latter. Is it possible my ability to antagonise and irritate the pants of people is waning? At any rate, you people are fucking fantastic. Thank you.

    While I prefer to welcome each new visitor individually, the sheer number of views and comments The Dissemination of Thought is receiving makes that unfeasible: there are only so many ways I can paraphrase a welcome before it becomes painfully repetitive. Please accept this generic message to the masses as my warm greeting to you all.

    disseminatedthought

    February 3, 2012 at 21:50

    • In fairness your not likely to get bad press from such an awesome post. With writing like this you’re on your way to legendary blogging status.

      Anyway, I have a great nutritional recipe if you cant be arsed cooking and its so simple. Its also suitable for a main meal; get some Quavers or other cheesy, curly potato snacks, and fill the fuck out of them with Philadelphia or other any other soft cheese of your choice. Not only does it taste great but the its incredibly good for you.

      You won’t be disappointed!!

      lesacbanane

      February 3, 2012 at 23:33

  139. I’m in hysterics reading this. Thanks for the morning laugh!!

    krhtoday

    February 3, 2012 at 22:26

  140. I can’t believe you’re single. You’re hilarious! Who could possibly resist you?

    jennnigan

    February 3, 2012 at 22:44

    • As it turns out, about 93.4% of the eligible female population. Unfortunately, hilarity doesn’t offset the fact that I’m an asshole.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 16:20

  141. Haha! Your post is so funny! The way to tell if an egg is boiled is to spin it on a flat surface. If it spins quickly and smoothly, it’s boiled. If it were raw, the liquids inside the shell would slosh around and slow it down. 🙂

    Chris

    February 3, 2012 at 23:11

  142. Don’t feel bad 🙂 My family still laughs at me for the time that I set the pan on fire while trying to boil hotdogs. And the time that I literally exploded a cookie sheet while trying to make pizza. And the time that I thought you had to stir potatoes (you stir everything else, why not?! [it turns to potato-water]). They also laugh at the time that I burned minute rice. Three times. In the same night.

    But now?! Now I cook almost every night and sometimes even post pictures of it in my blog 🙂 you’ll be okay. We can all laugh at this together 😀

    congratulations on being freshly pressed. Oh, and I got your generic welcome 😉 no worries about replying.

    MegsFitness

    February 3, 2012 at 23:16

    • At least I didn’t fuck up three times in the same evening!

      Thanks for stopping by The Dissemination of Thought. Please keep your hands, burnt rice and exploding cookie sheets inside the vehicle at all times.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 16:28

  143. Know that there are guys out there worse in the kitchen than you. I once had a single guy friend ask me how to simmer water. Seriously.

    musingsinaminidress

    February 3, 2012 at 23:20

    • Are you trying to make me feel better about myself or point out that your friend is a moron? If it’s the former, thank you; the roses are in the mail.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 16:23

  144. Ha! Fucking genius! Love it

    trueimages17

    February 3, 2012 at 23:30

  145. Congratulations on being Pressed! I enjoyed your post…I had my own culinary challenge yesterday with making hummus. What I wanted to share (and maybe you have been told this in another comment, I don’t know–because I sure didn’t read through all of them) is regarding the eggs. My mother taught my daugther this (not sure why this privileged advice needs to skip a generation): take the egg, lay it on its side and gently try to spin it. If it is raw, if just kind of lobs around. If it is hard-boiled it will spin almost like a top. Now you know. : ) Happy cooking!

    Stepping My Way to Bliss

    February 3, 2012 at 23:55

  146. Funny post. It made me think of a friend who, before he got hitched, pretty much lived on peanut butter, Cheerios and milk. I don’t think he even had forks in his kitchen.

    Jimmy

    http://www.slightlyreworded.wordpress.com

    slightlyreworded

    February 3, 2012 at 23:56

  147. This is basically like a peek inside my kitchen. Keep up the disgusting(ly) good work!

    PostCollegiate

    February 4, 2012 at 00:15

  148. very well written

    p3671101

    February 4, 2012 at 00:24

  149. Yeah one can find new and interesting ways to create mayhem and disaster in the kitchen. Good blog.

    finnegan2749

    February 4, 2012 at 01:17

    • Thank you for the feedback, and welcome to The Dissemination of Thought, your blogging home of mayhem. And the occasional kitchen fire.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 16:34

  150. I can’t flip either, Jack’s pretty good at it… but my food just ends up on the floor, or the ceiling, or the cat x

    Betty Amazing

    February 4, 2012 at 01:21

  151. My fav is Top Ramen (5 bucks, aka really cheap) with some tomato sauce and served hot and with less water.

    Hmm, my mouth’s watering!

    7theaven

    February 4, 2012 at 01:26

    • I must be picturing it wrong, because that sounds terrible.

      Thank you for your comment, and welcome to TDoT.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 16:35

  152. Whether you respond to this or not, allow me to say…. I am a professional chef and have been for 8 years now. I run a cooking school and immerse all my free time into finding new ways to love life. I read you post and it has made my morning. Between trying to stifle laughter and massage away neck pain from shaking my head in disapproving nods, this was just lovely. If you ever need any cooking assistance at all consider my hotline open… I intend to browse through your blog a bit more to see what else you have ranted about, but you should know that the whole time I was reading this post, my only question was: when can I hang out with this guy?

    Chandler Tomayko

    February 4, 2012 at 01:29

    • Yay, cooking lessons! Can you teach me the flip?

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 16:38

      • Forgive the delay in response…I wasn´t notified by the proper authorities that you had answered me back. Hmmm…teach you the flip, now I assume you are referring to a culinary technique, although I can think of several that could fit this terminology. Going out on a limb you could also be referring to some sort of physical stunt, in which case I may have to limber up a bit before anything is attempted, for both of our safeties. If you could clarify what type of flip you would like to learn I will do my best to help.

        Chandler Tomayko

        April 6, 2012 at 06:22

  153. Thanks for the laughs. Great post and comments.

    mye1212

    February 4, 2012 at 01:49

  154. amazing, though i may end up making a mess !! lol..

  155. Reblogged this on Losing A Person and Finding Myself and commented:
    Warning, don’t be drinking anything when reading this post. When I stopped laughing I re-blogged it for you. Hysterically funny.

    mye1212

    February 4, 2012 at 01:52

    • That warning may have been too harsh: I’ve been told that hard liquor makes my blog more tolerable.

      Thank you for sharing the love, and welcome to The Dissemination of Thought. If you pee yourself while reading, you’re cleaning it up.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 16:40

  156. Bless your little heart, lol. At least you’re learning.

    uncommonprincess

    February 4, 2012 at 01:57

    • I’m learning. Very slowly. Burning yourself repeatedly is a great teaching tool.

      Thanks for stopping by. I just checked out your blog, and love the sound of the “scent of vanilla coming from an oven”. Where do we sign up for oven vanilla?

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 16:43

      • LOL! Glad you liked my blog. I would say you you sign up for the scent of vanilla at the supermarket, or at a candle store, your choice. Best of luck with your continued learning in the kitchen.

        uncommonprincess

        February 5, 2012 at 11:10

  157. Haha I love this! Really enjoyed reading this, thought it was very funny and kind of adorable too!

    Lily Nova

    February 4, 2012 at 02:18

  158. Just died laughing. Well done!

    PY

    February 4, 2012 at 02:29

  159. Absolutely hysterical! I loved it. Part of me wishes I could extend and help you learn to cook and to do’s and don’ts but then the sick and twisted part of me kicks in and says that it wouldn’t be as funny to read about your mistakes and giving tips to others if I was helping you right off of the bat. Please continue to tell us about your blunders and tips to not scald ourselves with burning hot coffee.

    Another point…why a plastic cocktail shaker? Please do yourself the favor and invest in a stainless steel one. You will understand be be glad for the investment.

    Meanor

    February 4, 2012 at 02:42

    • What if you teach me while you laugh at me? Is that an acceptable compromise?

      The plastic shaker probably wasn’t a true cocktail shaker; it looked like one of those things you mix up protein shakes in, but I thought it would make an ideal iced coffee maker. I’ve got a stainless steel one for all of my cocktail-related debauchery, and I love it.

      Thank you for considering my culinary and cocktail welfare, and welcome to my virtual kitchen.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 16:54

  160. I love to cook…And when I have a kitchen mishap (yes, they even happen to ME on occasion) I just claim I did it on purpose. The cookies? You were making bar cookies. Serve them warm with ice cream and a little hot fudge drizzled on top. People will think you’re neat and they’ll never know you messed up!

    ashleemae

    February 4, 2012 at 02:43

    • Holy shit, that sounds amazing!

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 17:01

      • It IS amazing. I’m fairly certain ice cream and hot fudge will fix a multitude of kitchen ‘disasters’.

        ashleemae

        February 11, 2012 at 09:21

  161. My goodness..I just cant stop laughing… Hilarious…Every one around me were looking at me and then I forwarded your post and I can see all of them laughing crazy…. Thanks for such funny post. But its good to know that you still enter the kitchen and continue your experiments….
    I love cooking..I cant flip..still I try and spoil the floor…..Most of the times I ignore instructions, start cooking something but ends up with completely a different thing . I do have instances where something to be served on the plate was served in the cups….!!!!But still I dont give up….

    Thanks for sharing the five things you learnt and do keep sharing new things too…. 🙂
    Congrats for being on FP and happy cooking….

    Serafine__

    February 4, 2012 at 03:01

    • I’d like to think that my cooking will improve to the point where I’m unable to share 5 new kitchen disasters, but it won’t happen. At the rate I’m going, I’ll be able to fill a cookbook with calamitous tales by October.

      Thank you for your contribution to the discussion, and welcome to The Dissemination of Thought.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 17:31

  162. Your post is funny in a self-effacing manner. However, I’ve known plenty of single guys who could cook better than me. I’m not sure if cooking talent is equated to sex (male or female) any longer. Perhaps in the 1950s bachelor days, but now there are just as many men foodies as there are women foodies. And there are women who can’t cook to save their lives, even if they took high school home economics.

    pnwauthor

    February 4, 2012 at 03:03

    • If I spent as much time cooking as I do writing, I’d probably be a pretty reasonable home chef.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 17:38

  163. SOOO FUNNY THANKS for making us laugh early in the morning, start the day with a smile…so your starving? eggs dancing around your bed?… hehe. Great stories and fun dont worry youll have a wife in no time!…t

    dropopp.com

    February 4, 2012 at 03:12

  164. I love this post! As someone who is also single and cooks out of necessity, I thought you captured the experience perfectly. Especially loved the raman with parsley. And while I love Jamie Oliver in all is naked chefienss, your caption was priceless and something that needs to be on a T-shirt.
    Keep sizzlin’

    cerdwin

    February 4, 2012 at 03:25

    • Maybe that could be the slogan on the t-shirt, underneath his grinning mug: “Keep sizzlin’, you smug bastard!”

      How long do you think it would take him to sue me?

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 17:40

  165. Very funny, I’m going to send it to my daughter who lives in student halls. Re. eggs…. never put un-cracked eggs straight on to an open fire unless you like scrambled egg for wall decoration; the same applies to conkers.

    Witchmountain

    February 4, 2012 at 03:38

  166. Hilarious post! Makes me think of my guy friends from college days. Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed – very cool!

    Arizona girl

    February 4, 2012 at 03:50

  167. This is hilarious! I love your writing. You sound like my husband in the kitchen… I can’t stop laughing at some of the stuff he does.

    Lacey

    February 4, 2012 at 03:52

  168. i admit with all of it…. nice post.

    richa

    February 4, 2012 at 04:07

  169. I am like a squid when I’m in the kitchen. This was too funny!

    doodlesforshrinks

    February 4, 2012 at 04:21

  170. About the egg thing… I take a sharpie and draw faces on the hard boiled ones!

    Its a little creepy when you crack them.., kind of like murdering Humpty Dumpty.
    But once you’re past the Nursery Rhyme homicide, the hard boiled goodness is much better than your afore mentioned raw mishap!

    Thanks for sharing!

    anniemaeblog

    February 4, 2012 at 04:26

    • I like the idea of a Humpty Dumpty homicide. How good is the name Eggs Benedict for a tough but lovable lead egg-tective in the story?

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 17:47

  171. Sorry to hear your tale of woe. I have a lot of easy recipes (including a variety of things to put on prepared pizza crusts) on my blog emenuplan.wordpress.com. Perhaps you can find something you like! 🙂

    emenuplan

    February 4, 2012 at 05:02

  172. this is so sweet – I just want to cook you a good meal!

    marinabenjamin

    February 4, 2012 at 05:19

  173. This was a good post, funny.

    Natty Kuume

    February 4, 2012 at 05:30

  174. So funny. As someone trying to learn to be a better cook myself, I really appreciate your humor and honesty. Congrats of FP.

    mostlikelytomarry

    February 4, 2012 at 05:37

    • I think I just need to apply myself properly; I’m always getting distracted by things when I’m cooking.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 17:49

  175. You’re good and fun. 🙂 Just sent your post to my husband. Whenever asked he says he can only boil water. When I met him he ate can soup on a regular basis. During the time we’ve been married he’s eaten more tortillas than ever before in his life and has now developed a taste for chiles. No, I’m not suggesting you get married. I’m just making conversation. Hope your next meal is satisfying both in content and in preparation!

    Imperio
    myhappyhats.wordpress.com

    Imperio

    February 4, 2012 at 05:50

  176. Take my advice and do what I did: marry a woman who is a fabulous cook!

    quinersdiner

    February 4, 2012 at 05:50

  177. I can’t flip, I don’t like to follow directions and I love this post! Congrats on being freshly pressed.

    dianne faw

    February 4, 2012 at 05:56

  178. haha OMG and i thought boiled egg was the easiest food for the dummies!! hahaha!!! i mean how do you expect that to go wrong!

    Shraddha DG

    February 4, 2012 at 06:26

    • There’s not a lot that can go wrong with hard-boiled eggs, but I managed to stuff up with style.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 19:29

  179. Thanks for that. i too and a single guy that cooks solo. That is so true!

    Jon The Blogcentric

    February 4, 2012 at 06:46

  180. I am equally as hopeless in the kitchen, and the garnished Ramen noodles remind me of my fancy food (Tuna added to boxed Mac and Cheese). Stay Classy 🙂

    jammyhobgoblin

    February 4, 2012 at 07:12

    • “…my fancy food (Tuna added to boxed Mac and Cheese).”

      I’m sorry, you can’t use “stay classy” and the above statement in the same paragraph.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 19:54

  181. very nice! had fun reading your post!

    savoryeats

    February 4, 2012 at 07:13

  182. Super hilarious ,the blog not your experience with cooking !! Maybe you should note down your experience in the kitchen for future use. You could also sell it as a book for novice cooks. Ahh !! what an idea !!

    shil

    February 4, 2012 at 07:29

    • I’ve made a few notes as a result of my kitchen disasters, the most important of which reminds me that, from now on, the hard-boiled eggs will have happy little faces drawn on them.

      Judging by the feedback I’ve received in the last few days, a cookbook written by me may actually sell.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 19:36

  183. Did you put Parmesan on those instant noodles or is that just a trick of the camera? If so, I applaud you sir – Instant noodles + Parmesan + Parsely (+ Pinot Grigio) = Panty Dropper. It’s an equation every bachelor should know. 😉

    downtowngirldallas

    February 4, 2012 at 07:58

    • This may be the most useful comment I’ve ever received on The Dissemination of Thought.

      If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go and stock up on instant noodles, cheese and parsley. How many bottles of wine are normally required to balance the aforementioned equation?

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 19:43

  184. Now this is where I count myself fortunate in that I’ve had not two, but three grandmothers to teach me the basics and the advanced parts of cooking.. Be it Swedish, French, Italian, Americana and local cuisine. While I might not be able to flip things deftly in a pan — I do know that doing so is just for showing off.

    Don’t worry though. As you get used to cooking more and more you’ll realize that when it comes to sweets, following the rules are absolutely necessary, but for a meal you can work on rules of thumb. Stick to the rules for all things, and then learn to experiment as you get more familiar with the recipes, and in no time — you’ll actually be able to tell by pinch how much a teaspoon is in you hands.

    mbaldelli

    February 4, 2012 at 08:59

    • Thank you, your heartfelt support for the shemozzle that is my cooking is greatly appreciated.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 19:46

  185. Congrats on Freshly Pressed, this is bloody hilarious! This is a great reminder of what not to do and if you don’t mind, I’d like to extend your list to six. Never substitute Orville Redenbacher’s Butter Flavored Oil for real butter. Just saying… 🙂

    katemadison365

    February 4, 2012 at 10:26

    • What the hell is butter flavoured oil?

      Don’t worry, before I launch my cookbook, I’ll be pilfering stories from TDoT readers.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 19:51

  186. i really only skimmed your post and i want to not like it because over 400 others do… but it made me smile…of course… I have at this point consumed almost half a bottle of red wine….my standards may be a little lower than usual.

    Jessica

    February 4, 2012 at 11:36

    • Oh, if only I had a dollar for every time a girl had shown interest in me because of red wine and personal standards that “may be a little lower than usual”.

      Thanks for stopping by!

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 19:49

  187. So your single and so is my best friend. She also cannot cook. Maybe I’ll hook you two up with cooking classes together, I’m sure it will be love at first sight. If that happens! would you have to revamp your blog?

    MamaMoo

    February 4, 2012 at 12:12

  188. Hahah this is great. You’re a good writer. But I guess you don’t need to hear it from me – you know you’re arrogant already.

    Melissa Dressing

    February 4, 2012 at 12:20

    • Thanks for the feedback.

      There’s probably not much hope for an arrogant writer who can’t bake idiot-proof cookies, is there?

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 19:37

  189. It takes a big man to admit that he needs to follow a recipe. Cheers!

    cynthiarmstrongblog

    February 4, 2012 at 13:13

    • Given the plethora of photographic evidence that exists supporting my kitchen stupidity, it was hard to deny that I should have followed the recipe provided.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 16:58

  190. I LOVE the part about the garnished noodles. When you said “herb garnish” I was not expecting something so absurd! Very witty.

    fuzzy bee

    February 4, 2012 at 13:21

  191. That was brilliant! I think you could get a book deal – check out ‘gin o’clock’ on Facebook. It’s some person posing as the Queen (not me, I’m not that funny). Anyway, they got a book deal.

    Fiona

    February 4, 2012 at 13:24

  192. Great writing! It certainly made me laugh. Congratulations on making it to ‘Freshly Pressed’! 🙂

    You are not alone in this though. What you’re describing is typical guy attitude. No good at following instructions, taking directions but always thinking that they know better than anyone else (“…I thought that the manufacturer’s recommended zapping time didn’t sound long enough.” Really?) and anything and everything is ‘easy’ (“Flipping the contents of your frying pan is harder than it looks.” Ya’ think?). 😉

    wutheringwillow

    February 4, 2012 at 13:28

    • Thank you for the congratulations, it’s been a crazy couple of days.

      Yeah, I thought I knew better than the manufacturer. How wrong I was.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 17:02

  193. This is hilarious. seriously, how could anyone fuck up the eggs?

    Katharine

    February 4, 2012 at 13:31

  194. Instructions are important especially when it comes to baking. In some recipes instructions can be modified, but this comes with experience. Garnishing a dish with herbs makes the dish look fancy and pleasureable to look at. Flipping the pan is really, really hard – when you’re small it’s even harder,

    BookishPoland

    February 4, 2012 at 14:17

    • I’m a big fan of using random herbs to make people think I know what I’m doing in the kitchen.

      disseminatedthought

      February 6, 2012 at 12:04

  195. One easy way out would be to get married. Then you can always blame your partner.

    Manoj

    February 4, 2012 at 15:42

    • I don’t think that’s the answer: whatever happened, it would somehow still be my fault.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 16:56

  196. good stuff!!I really like they way u let it roll..:D

    foodcow

    February 4, 2012 at 16:04

  197. This is really funny. Don’t know if it was mentioned because you have a butt-ton of comments but if you spin the eggs on the counter, and it wobbles a little, its raw. If it spins with no problem, its boiled. Knowledge is power. 🙂

    The Confluent Kitchen

    February 4, 2012 at 16:34

    • Thanks for the tip; it seems like I really was the only person on the planet who wasn’t aware that cooked and raw eggs spin differently.

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 19:30

  198. i had no idea about the spinning eggs trick, i also got eggs (boiled and raw) mixed up I may have looked like a a lunatic spinning eggs like its a new craze in my kitchen! great post will give you a follow I love your style 🙂 x

    thecommontarte

    February 4, 2012 at 23:08

    • Spinning eggs are all well and good until they begin flying off the bench and onto the floor.

      Thank you for following, and welcome to the culinary adventure!

      disseminatedthought

      February 6, 2012 at 10:57

  199. your blog was not only a treat to read but also made my struggle with the kitchen flash in front of me. cracked up for like 15 mins….
    awesome write-up…. ^_^

    shakespearinlove

    February 5, 2012 at 00:17

  200. I thought that no one could bake worse than me but you may be a match with your poor cookie disaster! I must admit though that I get the cookie dough that is purposely made into a little cookie ball so left to my own devices I may turn cookie dough into that sheet of doughiness. I think I tried flipping the food in a saucepan too and ended up flipping it on the floor and counter instead.

    sarahnsh

    February 5, 2012 at 00:28

  201. I’m finally getting a chance to check out some of the other Freshly Pressed posts. Thank you for such a great Saturday morning laugh! Loved the egg tale. Probably because I now know I’m not the only one who’s done that! Having an additional X chromosome is by no means protection (though age is, as I am much smarter about this stuff now :))

    Congrats on being FP!

    crubin

    February 5, 2012 at 02:11

    • Thank you! It’s been a ridiculous couple of days, but I’m glad so many people enjoyed my crazed kitchen antics.

      disseminatedthought

      February 6, 2012 at 11:13

  202. this is adorable so you must be too. my favorite line:

    there’s nothing poetic about a hail of hot butter and fungi raining down around you.

    congrats on fresh press!

    Barbara @ Just Another Manic Mommy

    February 5, 2012 at 05:02

    • Ah, if only your logic reflected reality.

      I tried to describe the situation poetically, but being hit by scalding mushrooms tends to evaporate your creative juices. When the fungi flies, it’s all about self-preservation.

      Thank you for your congratulations!

      disseminatedthought

      February 6, 2012 at 11:25

  203. I too have felt the wrath of the kitchen as a single guy, may the force be with you 🙂

    Romaine Carter

    February 5, 2012 at 07:28

  204. Funny, funny, funny. (But funny how? Funny like a clown? You’re here to amuse us? You make me laugh!)
    😀

    MadeByYoursTruly

    February 5, 2012 at 08:12

    • Thank you for your kind words, but I think wearing clown shoes and a red nose while I cook will just make things a lot worse.

      disseminatedthought

      February 6, 2012 at 11:29

  205. “…there’s nothing poetic about a hail of hot butter and fungi raining down around you.”

    Oh, I disagree!! Best sentence I’ve read in many moons. Your blog is da bomb.

    I’m single, and I once wrote a poem about the THREE–yes, THREE– attempts it took for me to correctly make grilled cheese the first time. Good thing I don’t cook often, eh? Hee. However, it would make for delicious blog fodder– if not an actual meal.

    Unrelenting Amee

    February 5, 2012 at 08:13

    • I was going to ask how you could possibly stuff up a grilled cheese sandwich, but seeing as I fucked up baking cookies that a 3-year-old could have mastered, I won’t.

      disseminatedthought

      February 6, 2012 at 11:35

  206. I laughed the whole way through. TDoT: the best ab workout on wordpress.

    planesntrains

    February 5, 2012 at 09:01

  207. Reblogged this on My Favorite Spaces.

    Talitha

    February 5, 2012 at 09:51

  208. Food is nine-tenths atmosphere. Three ways to improve your Point Two:

    1. Place salt and pepper grinders on the table. They don’t need to be used, you just need to know that you have the option.

    2. Place a flute-vase with a single white rose as the centrepiece to your dining table.

    3. Put the noodles in a lettuce leaf shell.

    Voila! A restaurant meal in the comfort of your own home.

    creeped

    February 5, 2012 at 11:01

    • I’m stunned. Easy cooking tips that actually make cooking easier. Thank you so much for sharing!

      disseminatedthought

      February 6, 2012 at 12:02

  209. This was hilarious and made my day. Consider yourself FOLLOWED, sir!

    immrskeller

    February 5, 2012 at 14:15

  210. I once put fresh orange juice in a soda stream to try and make it fizzy and it just exploded.

    Jambo Safari

    February 5, 2012 at 14:55

  211. I could cook when I left home bit I don’t remember learning how. Isn’t that amazing. It’s one of those things I guess. I follow recipe if need be but only for something that is complex and that I haven;t cooked before. Basically I’m a meat and 3 veg man though so there normally isn’t a problem. After all how hard is it to put a bit of steak in a pan? Great post thought. Thanks for sharing.

    gaycarboys

    February 5, 2012 at 15:52

    • Do you prepare your own vegetables or use the frozen ones that are ready to go? Preparation involves knives and peelers, which means cuts and missing skin.

      disseminatedthought

      February 6, 2012 at 11:52

  212. This was fabulous and left me snorting out laughter when it couldn’t escape my mouth fast enough. I have to admit – being a complete idiot in the kitchen – that at the first bit about eggs I thought “ooh, a clever tip about why storing raw eggs with boiled eggs is, for some reason, unhealth… oh.”

    I haven’t been fool enough to try the flipping thing – yet – but I’m sure one day I’ll get the idea that you can only learn by doing. At which point possibly a humorous small kitchen fire will follow.

    But the coffee thing… wow. My nose hurts, I snorted so hard and so loud as soon as I started reading that bit.

    By the way… as a single woman with limited cooking skills, I can still give you the expert’s recipe for cookie-dough-in-a-tub… it was never meant to be baked in the first place. Big ass glass of milk + spoon + tub of cookie dough. Easiest recipe ever.

    pickygourmet

    February 5, 2012 at 16:07

    • “Big ass glass of milk…”

      Is that an official unit of measurement?

      disseminatedthought

      February 6, 2012 at 12:01

      • According to my cookbook, one (liquid) unit of “big ass” is the equivalent of “the amount of milk needed before I start noticing the damage I’ve done to one batch of cookie dough all by myself and start feeling the sensational equivalent from my stomach of ‘oh dear sweet god in heaven, what have you done?'” Like my grandmother (who actually *could* cook) I feel that exact measurements are for other people.

        pickygourmet

        February 7, 2012 at 15:45

  213. Really funny post. I’m really surprised that you replied to every single comment… one extra tip for you, don’t garnish if you are not intending to eat the garnish. That’s just a waste of herbs. Haha.

    weiweiwei88

    February 5, 2012 at 16:55

    • If someone reads my work and is engaged enough by it to leave a comment, they deserve to have me acknowledge and respond to it.

      Thank you for stopping by The Dissemination of Thought.

      disseminatedthought

      February 6, 2012 at 11:58

  214. Lol! Your kitchen mishaps are cute and endearing all the same

    Nabilla

    February 5, 2012 at 19:01

    • Maybe I could incorporate that into the name of my cookbook: The Cute and Endearing Mishaps of a Kitchen Clown.

      disseminatedthought

      February 6, 2012 at 11:55

  215. A lot of practice is required for #4! Try National Pancake Day as an opportunity to practice this useful skill. Good luck 🙂 Nice blog.

    soniarusso

    February 5, 2012 at 19:35

  216. Aha. I now see why there is so much publicity. That was mad funny, great post. I have to admit, I love to cook and my things do come out pretty decent. Except when they don’t. Sometimes they just don’t. I have attempted the flip of the frying pan contents and ended off with more than disastrous results.

    There are many times that people enter my kitchen and wonder how I got splashes of food on the ceiling. And more often than not, I get too cocky and think I can make up and add to boxed recipes. The simple ones that no one can screw up. Well those I can’t seem to get right. I make those pans of cake-like cookies often.

    Nice blog. Congrats on FP and all the popularity!

    The Logophile

    February 5, 2012 at 19:53

    • Thank you, I’m glad you found it amusing.

      How hard did you flip to make shit hit the ceiling?

      disseminatedthought

      February 6, 2012 at 11:47

  217. Jesus. I think I might’ve been a Single Guy in the kitchen until my mid-twenties.

    Bug
    (30, female – or so I thought)

    bugwear

    February 5, 2012 at 20:28

  218. There is always the ‘first time’ for anyone. Just keep on trying and you’ll get there in due time and enjoy the secret of good food. I must say, kitchen is one of the most extensive laboratory.

    smileypic

    February 5, 2012 at 22:47

  219. This reminds me of the Steve Martin movie, “The Single Guy”. He goes to a restaurant run by single guys but all they know how to cook is scrambled eggs!

    The Hook

    February 5, 2012 at 23:49

    • Are you suggesting that I open a restaurant that sells only scrambled eggs? That could work, unless it was in a village populated entirely by vegans.

      disseminatedthought

      February 6, 2012 at 11:24

  220. Well am not a single guy…in fact I am an equally disastrous ‘single girl cook’… I could so so relate to this post 😀 trust me I have tried that pan flip thing and almost got scarred.. and tkx for the egg tip LOL I might have tried it one of these days :p Great post

    pallavispoojary

    February 6, 2012 at 00:09

  221. I was so glad to read this and know that I’m not the only one who has some memorable kitchen catastrophes.

    Also, my neighbor just came over to check on me when she heard me laughing so much through the dorm wall. Apparently she thought that my lab reports had finally driven me off the deep end.

    Thanks for the good laughs.

    Geek, But Still Chic

    February 6, 2012 at 03:36

    • Lab reports have the potential to do that, just like batch after batch of aborted biscuits.

      disseminatedthought

      February 6, 2012 at 11:16

  222. Due to unfortunate events of my own making in the kitchen, it is advisable to acquire an actual kitchen timer. Don’t just wait for the smoke detector to tell you when it’s done!

    ajdipota

    February 6, 2012 at 05:51

  223. You’re really funny. A word of caution which I think u may find it useful: Never take a pop tart out of the toaster sugar side facing ur palm… 🙂

    Keep up the good work 🙂

    stellasbella

    February 6, 2012 at 06:40

  224. Hilarious! I only learned to cook about two years ago via the Food Network so I still make some pretty comical mistakes! Hang in there, it’s worth it when it all comes together…

    Healthy Freedom

    February 6, 2012 at 06:59

    • I’ve decided that using my kitchen stupidity to my advantage may be the way to go: a cookbook is definitely on the cards.

      disseminatedthought

      February 6, 2012 at 11:06

  225. i think it’s fortuitous that you didn’t use a baking sheet! now you have a man-sized version of a cookie bar (always told by my male friends that more is more when it comes to sweets)

    andmorefood

    February 6, 2012 at 08:05

    • Your male friends are correct: when it comes to cookies, you can never have one big enough.

      disseminatedthought

      February 6, 2012 at 11:02

  226. its a good thing that the best way to a woman’s heart isn’t through her stomach, eh?

    The Drama Mama

    February 6, 2012 at 09:06

  227. One I would add is always grease your pan! I have made this mistake toooo many times, yet I continue to mess it up!

    theveryhungrybookworm

    February 6, 2012 at 09:08

    • That’s easily fixed: just write “grease me” on the inside of all your pans to remind yourself.

      disseminatedthought

      February 6, 2012 at 10:54

  228. Thanks for the tips! Now I know that my mistakes can still taste good if I bend the results a bit… 🙂

    strawberriesandoranges

    February 6, 2012 at 10:08

    • The best tip I can offer about cooking disasters is this: if no one saw it, it never happened.

      disseminatedthought

      February 6, 2012 at 10:49

  229. One big cookie or four small ones; they will taste the same. Don’t get your shorts in a knot, remember it’s only food.

    scroungelady

    February 6, 2012 at 12:31

    • I didn’t burn the apartment complex down, so that’s got to be a win of sorts, hasn’t it?

      disseminatedthought

      February 8, 2012 at 13:24

  230. Humorous and refreshing, sir. I know how you feel, although, I assure you I’m learning.

    thelensismightier

    February 6, 2012 at 12:37

  231. Haha! Hilarious and a great read!

    carleennimrod

    February 6, 2012 at 13:22

  232. I believe that everyone, whether they know how to cook or not, goes through some sort of disaster in the kitchen. I found this very amusing, especially ” there’s nothing poetic about a hail of hot butter and fungi raining down around you.”. I was envisioning all of my single male friends and their own kitchen disasters. Thank you for being able to share your disasters for our entertainment!

    cakesbykat

    February 6, 2012 at 14:05

    • I’m just glad I survived the encounter with the sautéed mushrooms so I could share it with you all.

      disseminatedthought

      February 8, 2012 at 13:33

  233. You’re a funny guy. Vinny thinks you’re hilarious! Ever try 1000-year-old eggs? Vinny has…

    Vinny Grette

    February 6, 2012 at 14:49

  234. It’s not very kind of you, good sir, to have living eggs mingle with their dead friends. It not only plummets the few surviving ones into mourning, but is an incessant reminder of their cruel and inevitable, albeit delicious, fate. They should live together and die alone.

    Very funny, otherwise! You get a follow from me!

    squeakyrobot

    February 6, 2012 at 15:39

    • What if I draw smiley faces on the hard-boiled eggs? Will that lessen the blow to the raw ones?

      disseminatedthought

      February 8, 2012 at 13:39

  235. Great post!

    1: But were they not like those giant cookie cakes that is basically one huge cookie? I love those things!
    2: SO true, but is it worth the price and do most of them really enhance the flavor? (of course I usually only cook for myself, so presentation is not priority)
    3: Seeing the hard-boiled egg one is craving turn into a raw egg on the floor is such a disappointing feelings.
    4: If we could only all be Julia Child…
    5: I don’t drink coffee (gasp!) but this really cracked me up. I didn’t realize shaking boiling water was worse than room-temperature water, but I am also amused by the fact that you state this happening to you twice….

    Kimmeister

    February 6, 2012 at 15:57

  236. you gave me a wonderful giggle this morning, just what I needed! have to say, your cookie result looks like a parcel wrapped in brown paper. LMAO!

    Ruth2Day

    February 6, 2012 at 17:31

    • I’m glad your giggle was delivered on time!

      Thank you for stopping by, and welcome to The Dissemination of Thought.

      disseminatedthought

      February 8, 2012 at 13:44

  237. My mum, who was an expert cook in her day, managed to make Grapefruit Pie one time, mistaking frozen grapefruit segments for frozen apple pieces. It was an unusual flavoured dessert… Need I explain, neither bag of produce was actually labelled.
    Even super-competent people can screw up in the kitchen 🙂

    Love the page!

    janesbooks2011

    February 6, 2012 at 17:38

    • “It was an unusual flavoured dessert…”

      Is that the diplomatic way of saying your mum’s pie tasted like shit?

      disseminatedthought

      February 8, 2012 at 13:45

  238. haha this is howlarious! one more do not attempt thing in the kitchen: (althought quite obvious) never cook your veggies covering the pan with plastic plate. dont forget the basic physics: PLASTIC MELTS! (learnt the hard way)

    Jaanaki

    February 6, 2012 at 18:29

  239. Saw a great Heston recipe for boiled eggs recently – worth trying…

    Take a small saucepan, place an egg inside and fill the pan up so that it just covers the egg. Bring to the boil and the moment it starts boiling, remove from the heat and set a time for six minutes exactly.

    The result, a perfect boiled egg with a yoke to die for – spread on toasted bread with fresh pepper and a pinch of sea salt, its fantastic (and foolproof!)

    Cool Your Jets IV

    February 6, 2012 at 19:50

    • Thank you for the tip, I’ll have to try it.

      I love the way you added “and foolproof” at the end.

      disseminatedthought

      February 8, 2012 at 13:49

  240. Ok, seriously the funniest blog I’ve ever read. I empathize man!!! Thank you for making me laugh hysterically at my desk on a Monday morning. I think my favorite part was the photo you included of Jamie Oliver with the caption: smug bastard. HA!! It’s so true. They make it look so friggin’ easy, when clearly it takes hours of practice for those of us at home.

    I’ll be laughing about this for days. Quality.

    Rebekahacarr.wordpress.com

    Rebekah

    February 7, 2012 at 00:23

    • If I had have spent hours practicing the flip, I would have been knee-deep in mushrooms.

      I just saw your recipe for the banana cake: drooling while moderating comments isn’t a pretty sight.

      disseminatedthought

      February 8, 2012 at 13:55

  241. Enjoying reading your post. I have trouble cooking a boil egg myself. I can’t tell when it is done. So what I do Is after 3 minutes of boiling, I crack the egg a little than you can see some egg white coming out but stop because the water as cooked it. Than I give it 5 minutes and it is done. That seem to work for me. I am sure it is a better way but this has been working for me for many years thank goodness:)

    startingoveringermany

    February 7, 2012 at 01:06

  242. My husband has also managed to bake ONE cookie on a baking tray… when he originally started out with a few more than that until they had melded together. He has even managed to make liquid cookie batter… not entirely sure how he managed that one either, considering he used only the amount of ingredients required by the recipe 🙂 How fun of you to share your kitchen experiences! As your skills in the kitchen improve, these memories will become much more hilarious!

    Alice

    February 7, 2012 at 01:22

  243. i cant stop laughing! i managed to get a pancake stuck to the ceiling the first time i attempted flipping and i set fire to cabbage once, my husband made friends cups of gravy instead of coffee because he wouldnt wear his glasses hahaha

    Raven Imnotjane Carlton

    February 7, 2012 at 02:00

    • Okay, I’m the first to admit I don’t know much about the ins and outs of cooking, but how the fuck do you set fire to a cabbage?

      disseminatedthought

      February 8, 2012 at 13:59

  244. amiarting

    February 7, 2012 at 03:02

  245. Oh, dear. Let’s see…..humm…..[thinking]…..[thinking]…..ok, here’s the plan: give up cooking. Don’t even think about trying to microwave popcorn or use one of those push-the-button-to-make-an-instant-cup-of-hot-water-jobbers. Nope, don’t do it. Trust me. Let me explain. You see, there are these great things that someone invented. They are called restaurants. (Say it with me slowly — R-e-s-t-a-u-r-a-n-t-s.) Restaurants are “The Answer” to everything. Once you have gotten unto the swing of restaurants, then become a restaurant critic. Imagine this: you get all assortment of meats, cheeses and butter-filled desserts piled up in front of you meal-by-meal, day-after-day, week-after-week by attentive (but extremely nervous) restaurateurs and best of all you get to write about it, and there are no dishes to wash afterward. Not a bad thing.

    Peach Farm Studio

    February 7, 2012 at 04:08

    • I’d never considered that becoming a restaurant critic may be the answer to my culinary dramas.

      disseminatedthought

      February 8, 2012 at 14:02

  246. Reblogged this on Rare Naivety meets Poetic Ethics: Doses of reality and commented:
    This post is hilarious, mostly because I can just imagine most men and women (for that matter) doing the same things.

    Jessica Frelow

    February 7, 2012 at 04:32

  247. God I wish that I enjoy cooking. I really do. But on a base level I just really can’t be arsed. I spend potentially and hour or more cooking a meal and destroy it in around 5 minutes. Then an emptiness follows that no amount of pasta can fill. Spag Bol is the most extravagant thing I can cook, fml. Great article though!

    I say, do you follow?

    February 7, 2012 at 09:57

    • Pasta may not fill the emptiness, but a careful mix of vodka and 21-year-old single malt certainly will.

      disseminatedthought

      February 8, 2012 at 14:05

  248. This is adorable.
    A few months ago I decided to heat up some soft-boiled eggs I had in the fridge, and popped 3 of them into the microwave for a quick reheat. I’d even cracked the eggs so they wouldn’t explode and destroy my microwave from the inside. Alas, they made these horrible whistling noises when I retrieved them from the microwave. For a terrible reason I cannot recall, I poked at them with a fork out of curiosity and FOOOM! All 3 exploded in quick succession, and my kitchen and I were plastered with piping hot chunky eggy material and eggshell shrapnel. Not fun.

    Luckily that was a summer sublet from hell, so I just left the yolky chunks on the ceiling and got my security deposit and gtfo. I hope this story has been helpful to you. 🙂

    Attisaurus

    February 7, 2012 at 13:00

    • Is the key point of the story not to poke eggs with forks, or that you aren’t the world’s most ideal tenant?

      disseminatedthought

      February 8, 2012 at 14:12

  249. Hilarious!! When things get rough in the kitchen, just remember that a bowl of fruit loops and a spoonful of PB covers all four food groups in one meal!

    geet2go

    February 8, 2012 at 00:37

    • That would look great emblazoned on a t-shirt: “When all hope is lost, turn to cereal”.

      disseminatedthought

      February 8, 2012 at 14:15

  250. And to quote the late Richard Jeni:

    “Never fry bacon when you’re naked…”

    Love the post…

    semihappy

    February 8, 2012 at 01:18

  251. Awww this is hilarious! Funny post! ^.^~

    artisanfoodsinc

    February 8, 2012 at 18:53

  252. He IS a smug bastard with a fabulous accent though…:) great post

    jojowah

    February 9, 2012 at 06:48

  253. This literally made me laugh out loud! Great blog!

    laurenzantop

    February 9, 2012 at 12:47

    • Laughing out loud is perfectly acceptable. Loudly describing bodily functions in public isn’t.

      disseminatedthought

      February 9, 2012 at 18:07

  254. I remember my first foray trying to make a ridiculously simple cake called a “Wacky Cake”….called that because it didn’t take some of the usual things that go into a cake….like eggs or milk….and for leavening relied on the baking soda/vinegar reaction (in other words the cake took vinegar)…..I thought baking powder and baking soda were the same thing so when I couldn’t find the baking soda I used the baking powder….I also misread 1 1/2 cups of flour as one half cup (in other words one half-cup measuring)….so as I watched what I was hoping would turn out to be a very good vegan cake bake in the oven what I watched was my cake pan making like a volcano and spewing chocolate-y lava all over the bottom of the oven…..since that time many years ago however I have turned into a reasonably good cook (who now knows the difference between baking powder and baking soda)

    Joseph

    February 9, 2012 at 14:51

  255. This is hilarious! You actually made my day. I read your blog on my laptop while my husband slept unknowingly next to me and I literally had to stifle my giggles the whole time I was reading it. Too funny! Thanks 🙂

    mummamayhem

    February 9, 2012 at 16:18

    • Why do I have an image in my head of you trying to stuff your first into your mouth to muffle the laughter?

      Thank you for your great feedback, and welcome to TDoT.

      disseminatedthought

      February 9, 2012 at 18:09

  256. LOL I’ve just moved into my own place whilst awaiting the birth of my daughter and have yet to make these mistakes, although I have learnt never to send a male to the shops for even the simplest shopping list!!

    therealmummy

    February 10, 2012 at 05:49

  257. Well, I’ll leave a comment, but wow, had to scroll a long ways down to get here! Just wanted you to know that I’m now a fan.. anyone who makes the mistakes you do is entertaining by my standards.. who needs perfect!!

    Just A Smidgen

    February 10, 2012 at 11:14

    • I think my kitchen dramas make people feel better about their own culinary inadequacies.

      Thank you for visiting The Dissemination of Thought. Can you pick up some milk on your next visit?

      disseminatedthought

      February 11, 2012 at 08:46

      • Just so you know… I was supposed to pick up some milk on my way home from dinner tonight.. and forgot until you reminded me:) Too funny!

        Just A Smidgen

        February 11, 2012 at 15:55

  258. Yummm, I’ve done the cookie dough ‘trick’ several times… Tastes great to have the cookie a bit raw in the middle… How are you still single if you know how to prepare great food?!? =P

    francesaaguilar

    February 10, 2012 at 22:37

    • In the surveys I’ve conducted, women have never deemed raw cookie dough and floor mushrooms as “great food”.

      disseminatedthought

      February 11, 2012 at 08:30

      • Raw cookie dough…in the middle of a freshly-almost-baked-all-the-way-through-cookie or raw cookie dough in vanilla ice cream = yum

        francesaaguilar

        February 15, 2012 at 06:22

  259. This was so freakin’ funny! I can’t stop laughing! Your two minute noodle garnishing is exactly right. It was actually this photo I saw on freshly pressed that made me stop by.

    Hilarious!

    drivelology

    February 13, 2012 at 10:02

    • Parsley makes everything better. In a photo, at least…

      disseminatedthought

      February 14, 2012 at 22:17

      • It certainly doesn’t add to the taste of a dish! It does get rid of garlic breath though 😉

        drivelology

        February 15, 2012 at 10:32

  260. i’ve got one for you: don’t microwave anything with even the slightest aluminum foil if you don’t want to see sparks fly!

    trialsinfood

    February 14, 2012 at 05:50

    • What did you do?

      disseminatedthought

      February 14, 2012 at 22:21

      • i was trying to melt some butter and didn’t see that there was a tiny piece of foil wrapping still attached. microwave almost caught on fire!

        trialsinfood

        February 17, 2012 at 03:22

  261. 1.This is the first post I read, and I keep coming back. Great job!

    2. I can’t eat gluten anymore, but I make amazing chocolate chip cookies. I will just mail you all the ones I make, and then both of our problems are fixed. Well, sort of – I still can’t eat them, but at least someone could be.

    3. You can microwave your eggs and make scrambled eggs. That’s not relevant except that you mentioned eggs.

    savanahprose

    February 14, 2012 at 13:22

  262. I nominated you for the Kreativ Blogger Award! Details of the award are on my post http://princessvespa3.com/2012/02/14/kreative-blogger-award/ 🙂

    April Hawks

    February 15, 2012 at 02:29

    • Thank you for the award! I’m a little scared, however, that you put my blog under the “Recipes” umbrella.

      disseminatedthought

      February 17, 2012 at 10:33

      • Lol. That was actually how I found it. I can change that if you want me to

        April Hawks

        February 17, 2012 at 11:31

      • I’m just trying to fathom the disappointment that people who can actually cook are going to experience when they click on The Dissemination on Thought in the search for award-winning recipes and professional tips.

        disseminatedthought

        February 24, 2012 at 21:46

  263. One word, and a comment:
    Recipes. Read them and obey.

    Okay, one more comment. My sons have both had spectacular run-ins with cooking. One wanted to make “brownie muffins”. Made the brownies from a mix, put the batter in paper muffin cups – but not the muffin tin. He ended up with muffin pancakes with paper glued to the bottom. The other made cookies with no baking powder. He ended up with really hard little cookie pucks, but tasty if you could bite them.

    They now know the value of muffin tins and baking powder. Next lesson, please!

    Good for you for even trying – keep it up, it’s really funny!

    Paula

    February 15, 2012 at 05:35

  264. tip for figuring out if eggs are hard boiled or raw… spin them. the hard boiled ones spin faster, while the raw ones do this sluggish wobbling thing. as for the rest… i manage to set the fire alarm off in my apartment weekly because i walk away from whatever i’m cook and then promptly forget it. sounds like we should both stick to take-out!

    ellimckean

    February 16, 2012 at 07:31

  265. Fantastic post! Something you should know as a ‘budding chef’: Never, ever cook fish (or heat anything smelly) in a microwave – the smell will permeate everything in your apartment and last for DAYS! My dad thought microwaves were AMAZING ways of heating kippered herring and that was *not* pleasant!

    About the hard boiled eggs: I have a cafe and I keep the eggs in separate plastic containers that look identical – the solution for knowing which is which? Draw a line around the hard boiled eggs with a pencil. It’s non-toxic and easy to do.

    Allie

    February 16, 2012 at 11:31

    • Thank you for the tip. I once set fire to my favourite pair of socks while attempting to dry them in the microwave. When I moved out 12 months later, I could still smell sock smoke and ash.

      disseminatedthought

      February 17, 2012 at 10:39

  266. ….:)

    Now THIS brings back memories from a fuzzy distant past…

    Of the first time I moved into an apartment where I had to make my own food…

    let’s not go there…..:)

  267. Even as a soon-to-be married woman (and a soon-to-be stepmother), I find truth in all of these things. It took me 26 years to learn how to properly cook even the simplest meal. Hilarious post!

    hopesanderson

    February 22, 2012 at 12:58

  268. 2. Garnishing anything with herbs makes it look fancy.

    HAHHA You cracked me up real good when you add garnishes to your instant noodles!!

    Thanks for the great post!

    mdjasrie

    February 29, 2012 at 04:17

  269. Your comments on your cooking are absolutely delightful. It’s funny, I do haphazard cooking videos to demonstrate to my friends that even non-know-it-alls can do it, only to be trolled by someone who critiqued me for the lack of finesse. I say, BoO-YAH to the lack of Jamie-Oliverness! Although I secretly do heart him. But yeah! I mean, who needs experts when we can do experiments on ourselves instead! And our poor stomachs.

    I cracked up louder than your eggs laughing. No, your eggs are not laughing at you. I am laughing with you. Hardy har- har. 😀

    Pink Ninjabi

    March 5, 2012 at 09:38


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