The Dissemination of Thought

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's intelligent…

4 more (painful) trends in Facebook friends

with 36 comments

My balcony is a great place to ponder the universe, especially when the thought process is aided by a Cohiba Robusto and a fantastic Scotch. If nothing else, smoking a $50 cigar and sipping 21-year-old single malt while trying to determine whether Turkish bread, tomatoes and Vegemite constitute a meal provides a unique perspective about how bipolar and ridiculous life can be at times.

This is the point at which the pondering stopped...

As I sat there, watching the river and thumbing aimlessly through pointless and predictably boring Facebook status updates on my BlackBerry, it occurred to me that it may be time to examine a few types of Facebook friends that weren’t covered in my original diatribe. Yes, it’s ground we have previously walked across, but people need to be able to identify these individuals to ensure their own safety, as well as that of their loved ones. Think of this as an angry, nonsensical public service announcement.

1. The Whinger

As the name suggests, this Facebook friend finds a problem with everything, and usually isn’t sure how they can go on living. If they aren’t sad about being alone, they’ll be complaining about their job or vociferating about how pitiful their life is.

While monitoring this friend’s status updates will push you to the brink of insanity, it will also make you feel pretty damned good about your own state of affairs. My advice? Unfriend them, unless of course they are related to you, in which case you are fucked.

About to read a status update from The Whinger? You're going to need these. Source:

2. The Update About Everything-er

Everyone has at least one of these amongst their legion of Facebook friends. They see no problem with updating their status 117 times in the space of 24 hours, in order to keep you up to speed with what they’re doing at every moment of the day. There will be the update that they are having slightly burnt toast for breakfast, followed 30 minutes later by a notification that they have had a successful bowel movement to start the day. They will provide at least two updates on their way to work, one of which will focus on the odd, smelly gentlemen sitting across from them on the bus. Upon arriving at the office, they will regale the world with tales of their first caffeine hit of the day.

Don’t laugh, The Update About Everything-er is probably posting this right now. Source:

If you are incredibly unlucky, one of your Facebook friends may evolve into a mix of The Whinger and The Update About Everything-er, a mythical hybrid of evil, the only escape from which involves enlisting in the French Foreign Legion.

3. The Lover

There is nothing romantic about this Facebook friend: they love everything, and they’re not afraid to scream it from the rooftops of social networking. They love ice cream. They love sunshine. Confusingly, they also “heart” rainy days. They are wildly enamoured with documentary they just watched, and they want the world to know it.

Unfortunately, The Lover has a penchant for referring to themselves in the third person, and they can easily be identified by consecutive status updates that say: “[insert name] loves [insert random loveable thing]”. Scientists are not sure why this creature feels compelled to use third-person narrative, but they all agree that it’s as annoying as hell.

4. The Jukebox

This friend makes it their duty to tell everyone what they should be listening to by uploading the YouTube links to 38 songs each day. There’s always a theme, depending on their mood; sometimes you will be subjected to Foo Fighters Friday, while Saturday mornings will undoubtedly see them offering you a selection of their favourite drinking songs from 1987-1995. In the event of them parting ways with their significant other, prepare yourself for a Bonnie Tyler, Mariah Carey and country music onslaught.


Author’s note: remember The Dissemination of thought Facebook page. It’s lonely there without you.

36 Responses

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  1. How about 2 for the price of one?
    When a couple amalgamates both their pages into one giant nauseating one and posts all their gag-inducing poetry, flowers and love song bullshit, sharing their (what I like to call) “photo-embossed canlendar/coffee-mug love” to indifferent friends everywhere. Makes me want to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger.

    Cakes McCain

    January 8, 2012 at 22:31

    • Yeah, there is that. I can’t understand why couples insist on doing it: how fucking hard is it to spend ninety seconds creating your own Facebook profile?


      January 8, 2012 at 22:39

  2. Now I know what I’ve been missing by not logging on to Facebook. I tired of FB about a year or so ago because of the FB posters you so brilliantly describe and rarely log on these days. I’ve limited my faux FB friends to 100 and thanks to the publish feature of WordPress, I don’t have to log on to the monster to publish links to my blog. If you looked at my wall, all you would see are links to my blog which I suppose makes me a prostitute or possibly an ambulance chasing lawyer though I mean no offense to either profession.


    January 8, 2012 at 22:48

    • You aren’t missing much. I’ve limited my Facebook friends to people who don’t shit me to tears. And family members.


      January 8, 2012 at 22:53

  3. I shake my head at people who reveal too much personal info…I’ve seen updates such as “My wife is leaving me today” or “I have an eating disorder.” Wow. Great post!


    January 8, 2012 at 23:08

    • Absolutely. It’s surprising just how many people are painfully oblivious to how dodgy some of the stuff they share via social networking actually is.

      Thanks for your positive feedback, and welcome to The Dissemination of Thought. If you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to update my Facebook status for the 26th time today.


      January 8, 2012 at 23:19

  4. This is hysterical. I have to admit to keeping someone on my friends list (despite various de-friending sessions) simply because she is a combination of one and two above, with photos. It’s like watching a slow-motion train wreck and I cannot avert my eyes.


    January 9, 2012 at 00:07

    • You should contact local authorities and advise them about her: she needs to be studied for scientific purposes. For all we know, the tears of the legendary WhingUAE-er (that’s 1 + 2) may hold the key to eternal life.


      January 9, 2012 at 06:04

    • Exactly! I have two or three of those!

      Laura Badeker

      July 20, 2012 at 22:52

  5. I’m actually considering getting off of Facebook. I never thought I would say that, but it’s getting to where the only people who actually use it regularly are those described above. I can’t take it! A few days ago, a girl I know said via status update that her husband just moved out for good. The only purpose that served was to anger me since I gave up a Saturday afternoon TWO years ago for their wedding. I also have a new rule- if someone is in labor and I’m getting hourly updates regarding how dilated they are, it’s over.

    Curly Carly

    January 9, 2012 at 00:28

  6. Oh and if you’re interested, I wrote a similar post awhile back called A Slap in the Face(book): 7 Senseless Facebook Crimes. I could’ve added about 46 other crimes, but had to keep length of the post in mind. People are so annoying.

    Curly Carly

    January 9, 2012 at 00:35

    • What a great piece! Crime #3 is one of my pet hates, especially when the status update is directed at the random stranger that cut them off crossing the road.

      The post length is always important. Like you, I could have easily listed another 92 types of Facebook friends, but this piece would have turned into a 45,301 word rant.

      Boys and girls, click here to check out Carly’s incredibly amusing article on That’s Just Ridiculous.


      January 9, 2012 at 06:15

      • Thanks for the referral…I couldn’t figure out how to add a link when I wrote the comment above from my phone.

        Curly Carly

        January 10, 2012 at 13:40

      • What sort of mobile phone are you using? I’ve got WordPress for BlackBerry, and the functionality is, at the very best, average. In its defence, moderating and replying to comments seems to be easier, but most of the other functions are non-existent.


        January 10, 2012 at 16:47

  7. So true. Another breed of Lovers is the “I-love-my-kids-sooooo-much!” type.
    I.e.: “My adorable kids are FINALLY back from their dad/grandparents after 3 whole days away – I am sooooo happy I can hardly sleep. I just love seeing their little smiling faces. They are soooo beautiful, I can watch them all day. I missed them so much!!! What a wonderful blessing to be a mother!!!!!”

    Oh boy. I have three kids and I only start to miss them after 10 days, and only start thinking about wanting them back after 20 days. And they are not horrible kids. So I must be a horrible mother! 🙂


    January 9, 2012 at 01:17

    • Do you know how they can tolerate eyeballing their “adorable” munchkins all day long? The magical combination of red wine and prescription medication.


      January 9, 2012 at 06:27

      • Oh my hat. NOW you tell me. After 19 years of messed up motherhood. I could have been eyeballing MY adorable munchkins all along!


        January 9, 2012 at 06:37

      • I am generally unable to find kids adorable, even after ingesting enough Valium and vodka to stun a rhino; I’m going to take that as a sign that I shouldn’t breed.


        January 9, 2012 at 07:08

  8. Reading this made me shove aside the coffee and start typing. I’m a bear, and naturally half my “friends” are bears. You can’t imagine how much Category 3 cutesy third-person narrative there is. After shaking off my hangover I could add several other categories… Great post and so true.
    I think oversharing is a plague (but not if I do it).


    January 9, 2012 at 02:51

    • How much third-person narrative can a liquor store bear bear?

      Thank you for your first-person contribution to the discussion, and welcome to TDoT. I know how many miniature bottles of vodka, whisky and tequila are in the bar fridge: keep your furry little drunken paws to yourself.


      January 9, 2012 at 06:39

  9. Wow great so true! I friend sad updaters because well I’m a jerk. I rly like one she has an illegal baby daddy and she is always complaining about him and asking immigration questions…I kind of stalk her. Sad I know. None the less, I also like “rocky relationships” there are ppl who change their relationships status constantly and the comments below are like “She a skank neway bra!” I laugh and laugh! Love Facebook!


    January 9, 2012 at 03:11

    • Throwing out the public immigration questions when she’s pissed off? Classy. While I can’t condone stalking, I really think you should cut and paste some of her rants and share them with everyone.


      January 9, 2012 at 06:48

  10. Very true indeed. Everyone has them and we all hate them but rarely unfriend them.

    Cameron Keane

    January 9, 2012 at 07:05

    • I’m not sure why it’s generally the case, but I’ve started to toss them like 3-day-old sushi.


      January 9, 2012 at 07:51

  11. I love this: it’s so funny and so true — I do have Facebook friends like this; gulp: I may even be one myself 🙂

    johnlmalonejohn malone

    January 9, 2012 at 16:04

  12. The other day I thought it would be really funny if I just started posting the same stupid update over and over again to see if anyone actually noticed; like three or four times a day, for multiple days in a row. I could do it under the guise of The Lover – “Heather is IN LOVE with the new Dorito Crunch Gordita at Taco Bell and CANNOT WAIT to get her hands on another one ❤ ❤ ❤ LOL!!"

    Heather Christena Schmidt

    January 9, 2012 at 18:21

    • I think people are too caught up in their own self-indulgent universes to notice anything, but it’s worth a try, in the name of science.

      What about this? “Lyndon loves that he loves lamp more than Brick Tamland.”


      January 9, 2012 at 18:46

  13. I have some couple friends who have been known to facebook each other while they are on a date. Someone make me understand this! I imagine one was in the bathroom while the other decided it’d be cute to leave a virtual heart on their page. Then the other comments back “xoxo”. I couldn’t resist and asked “Aren’t you two sitting next to each other right now?”
    That’s the weirdest of the weird to me. Get off your phone and actually enjoy each other, not virtually love each other.

    Adrienne schmadrienne

    January 10, 2012 at 03:13

    • Unfortunately, I have got no rational explanation for you. I’ve seen couples having a full conversation (or argument) via Facebook while they were sitting no more than eight feet from each other; the ridiculous thing is, they will be sitting in absolute silence in the same room while they communicate electronically. WTF?


      January 10, 2012 at 08:34

  14. In response to your question above…I’m using the iPhone4. I had a Blackberry for 3 years or so. I can’t believe how much better the iPhone is. It’s unreal. The internet on the Blackberry was essentially useless, with the exception of email. The iPhone has a good WordPress app. If there’s something I need to do that isn’t an option with the app, I just go to the regular site and it works as well as a computer (other than having to consistently erase half of what I write because I suck at text-typing). Long enough answer for you?

    Curly Carly

    January 13, 2012 at 15:02

  15. Another cracker! Also, I don’t appreciate your statuses spreading your annoyance at somebody I most likely know, in such a way that will trigger interest. “some people have no manners or respect” ……(people comment, “aww babe what’s up? Who’s upsetting you?”)


    February 4, 2012 at 06:41

    • Absolutely. If you looked hard enough, you’d probably uncover another 2 or 3 dozen types of friends that shit us all to tears on a daily (or hourly) basis.

      “Oh, babe, who upset the little princess now?”


      February 4, 2012 at 15:59

  16. I think maybe #3 and #4 are misunderstood. Maybe “The Lover” is just a really positive, joyful person. Better to be a Lover than a Hater. I personally have lots of things that I “love”, but I don’t think the English word for love suffices as well as the Greek to show shades of distinction and meaning. Also, it is different to “love Taco Bell” versus love your family. As far as “The Jukebox”, one of the reasons I “love” (LOL) Myspace is the music and the music player options. Music enriches life, and I don’t know about Facebook, but on Myspace, the music players no longer automatically come on when you are on individual pages (so people are not subjected to your personal music choices by default).


    February 26, 2012 at 15:05

    • I totally agree that “love” has been overused to the point it has very little meaning in most contexts.


      March 4, 2012 at 21:29

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