The Dissemination of Thought

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's intelligent…

So you want to be a reality TV star? Really?

with 31 comments

When I first clicked on Emma Ashton’s piece today on The Punch entitled “Top tips for becoming a reality TV star”, I was under the illusion that I was about to read a satirical article that poked fun at the ludicrous phenomenon that is reality television. How wrong I was. In hindsight, I should have never expected that someone who describes themselves as a “reality TV consultant” would make a mockery of the very thing that apparently funds their lifestyle, especially when they run a blog devoted to reality television and profess to helping people “make their reality TV dream come true”. I think I may have just died a little bit inside. When we reach the point of having dedicated reality television consultants, it’s a fair indication that society is well and truly fucked.

Why are so many individuals under the misconception that they deserve to be famous? At what stage did the collective group vote and decide that everyone was entitled to their fifteen minutes of notoriety? Lamentably, most people are as boring as hell and, whether they’d like to admit it or not, would continue to make reality television about as enjoyable as having a tooth removed with fencing pliers, should they be given the opportunity to let their star shine. Let’s face it: if “I’m so glad it’s Friday!” is the most riveting Facebook status update you can manage, it’s unlikely that you are going to set the reality television world alight with your wit and personality; no one wants to watch a show starring someone who’s as entertaining as a brick in a freezer.

I’m not entirely sure what the trend away from amusing, quality television in favour of televised stupidity means for humanity, but I’m going to go out on a limb and assume it’s not a good thing. If reality television is the future, bring on 21 December and the zombie Apocalypse.

That fact that this has run for six seasons should be a warning that the Mayans have their dates right. Source: chud.com

Seeing as the scourge on society that is reality television doesn’t look like vanishing in the foreseeable future, The Dissemination of Thought is pleased to provide its own useful, real tips on becoming a reality TV star; just bring a smile, and leave your talent at the door.

Tip 1: Have no discernible talent whatsoever

In this day and age you don’t need talent to be famous and, based on results from the Australian and American Idol franchises, you definitely don’t need to be able to hold a tune to release a record. It doesn’t matter that you don’t have ability, as long as you have sad eyes, a heartwarming story about overcoming adversity and/or human triumph, and an androgynous sexuality that appeals to both teenagers and their wallet-wielding parents. For the guys, maintaining a rugged growth of stubble will ensure that you are signed to a five-album deal and win two Grammys in your first eighteen months as a recording artist.

We SHOULDN'T know this guy's name, but we do. Source: williamhung.net

Tip 2: Be dumb and hate everything

If you’re a bigoted moron with an IQ similar to a telephone booth, don’t even worry about auditioning: you’re in. Should you be trying to develop a persona to convince producers and casting staff that you’re a narrow-minded twit, you need to hate everyone that’s different to you and despise everything you don’t understand, which, given that you are pretending to be an idiot, is most stuff. Immigrants? Can’t stand them. Any food that isn’t a pie or steak and chips? Foreign crap that gives you the shits. People with accents? Terrorists. For added impact, you should bleach your hair blonde and get yourself a Southern Cross tattoo. In the event that you are asked a question about politics or something intellectual during the audition, your standard answer should be “I dunno ‘bout that, but I can skol tequila and put my whole fist in my mouth.”

Tip 3: It’s all about the orange and the oil

If your aim is to be a reality star in a show that has anything to do with the beach, you’re going to need a tan and lots of oil; we’re talking about committing yourself to the point where you resemble a giant Oompla-Loompa who has bathed in baby oil. It doesn’t matter that you’re stupid and sound like Rocky after fighting twelve rounds with a mouth full of marshmallows: if you have a perpetual sheen not dissimilar to that of a roasting chicken, the reality TV world is your oyster.

A few more tips for those aspiring to be on the seventeenth season of Jersey Shore:

For guys: you’ll need to be ridiculously buffed, adorn yourself with stupid amounts of bling and buy a baseball cap with a stiff, unbent peak. To improve your chances of making the cut, get yourself a cool nickname like “Pauly D” or “Puffy P” and refer to yourself in the third person. A lot.

For girls: you’re going to need 74 bikinis that (unfortunately) leave nothing to the imagination, faux breasts that could double as floatation devices in the event your party boat sinks and a love of flashing the aforementioned floaties every time you see someone holding a camera, even if that someone is just your reflection in the mirror.

Entertainment in 2012: it's just sad. Source: buddytv.com

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31 Responses

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  1. I’ve found that If I constantly refer to the journey that I’m on and describe everything, even sandwiches, as surreal then people just assume that I’m a reality tv star.

    David

    January 6, 2012 at 19:04

    • Good tip. I prefer to look around angrily and suddenly ask, “Where’s that assistant with my fucking soy latte?” It works every time.

      Thank you for your contribution, and welcome to The Dissemination of Thought. Season 4 will be released on Blu-ray on 18 January, 2013.

      disseminatedthought

      January 6, 2012 at 19:35

  2. Hahahahaha nuff said…..

    mLr

    January 6, 2012 at 20:03

  3. I have been out of the mainstream television loop for quite some time now (by choice), and I remember first hearing about these shows and asking myself “WHY?” Can anyone tell me why KK is famous, besides her Hollywood tits and ass commodity? Jersey shore? I’ve seen clips… why is this still funny after 5 minutes? Because the general viewing public is only slightly less pathetic and can feel like bonified geniuses by comparison? How can these cretins make a living and continue to milk mainstream TV in this dire-straits economy while others (like us) with actual creativity and living brain cells live off the condiments in our fridges?

    (ps. Tx for the inpiration! I have been brain-dead these days and you gave me a great idea for the next post.)

    Cakes McCain

    January 6, 2012 at 20:08

    • I’ve got no idea; I could only tolerate about forty-five seconds of Jersey Shore before I wanted to throw my television out the window. The way I see it, the less personality and talent you have, the more money you are likely to make from reality television.

      Perhaps a condiment-based diet fuels creativity: I know I write more effectively after licking Vegemite off of my finger.

      disseminatedthought

      January 6, 2012 at 20:20

      • I can’t say I have ever had that distinct pleasure. Although I have a jar of Marmite (I call it “marmot”) that was left by a guest and sits in my cupboard, for which I am too afraid to sample. As the concept of a yeast based spead is far too foreign and mysteriously vile a concept.

        Cakes McCain

        January 6, 2012 at 20:28

  4. Makes me thankful that we only have 4 (yes, FOUR) TV channels here in South Africa!

    ericanexpress

    January 6, 2012 at 20:36

    • At a guess, I’d suggest that your limited exposure to reality television has saved you from dropping about 20 IQ points.

      disseminatedthought

      January 6, 2012 at 20:51

  5. Blerg.

    How about a happy post about pancakes?!

    thefutureofhope

    January 6, 2012 at 20:39

    • Reality television makes me lose my appetite for pancakes, which is sad.

      disseminatedthought

      January 6, 2012 at 20:45

      • Thus the Blerg.

        But, on the note of pancakes and knowing your love and innate smelling abilities involving them… I’d like to see you post on that. Yummy, oh so delish, Pancakes. It could possible bring back from the dead the thoughts this post conjured that killed some feeling and brain cells. 😀 You know kinda like how you have to clap after you say you don’t believe in fairies.

        thefutureofhope

        January 6, 2012 at 20:57

      • There’s an awesome 24-hour pancake place here in Brisbane; nothing beats a long stack and strawberry thickshake at 4:30am after you have been drinking and gambling all night.

        A new post idea: 3 reasons why pancakes are better than a Kardashian.

        disseminatedthought

        January 6, 2012 at 21:11

      • You are all killing me here with talk of pancakes, when I can’t even get decent f’cking maple syrup where I live. bastards.

        Cakes McCain

        January 6, 2012 at 21:14

      • Yes! That is a post I would LOVE to read. And pancakes are great at any, yes any, time. We have a few all nighter spots but nothing beats my homemade pancakes. Especially the pumpkin version of my pancakes… to die for. Well, if you like pumpkin anyway.

        Sorry Ms. Cakes. That is definitely a sad issue to have.

        thefutureofhope

        January 6, 2012 at 21:23

  6. I can survive this world… until reading this I was convinced that no other person in the world hated reality TV as much as I do… Brilliant commentary, one of the best I have seen from TDOT.

    reflexio.com

    January 6, 2012 at 20:44

    • Reality television is the syphilis of broadcasting.

      Thanks for wonderful feedback, I aim to please.

      disseminatedthought

      January 6, 2012 at 20:58

  7. The syphilis of broadcasting? Wow. Monkey baby, you are brilliant 😛 Can you please send over my 74 bikinis? I am going to change my New Year’s Resolutions to address this list of requirements for RTV. Brilliant observations, as always.

    missmaribelmaeve

    January 6, 2012 at 21:58

    • The influenza or crabs of broadcasting just didn’t sound nasty enough.

      You’d have to speak to Kim, Kourtney or Khloé about the bikini supply. Or that whiny bitch from Jersey Shore.

      disseminatedthought

      January 6, 2012 at 22:13

  8. You’ve got to be kidding me. What are we becoming if we need a ‘how to’ on becoming famous?
    And I thought the blog I saw yesterday on hemorrhoids and their treatment was bad.

    blondgirl008

    January 7, 2012 at 02:37

    • So did it have a cure for them? Lol

      mLr

      January 7, 2012 at 09:50

    • I would have thought the first step to becoming famous was to be good at something, but that’s no longer the case.

      disseminatedthought

      January 7, 2012 at 11:21

  9. This is absolutely hysterical! I loathe reality tv, and I think I’m the only person in the universe who has never seen more than 3 minutes of “American Idol,” “The Bachelor,” “Big Brother,” “The Amazing Race,” “The Biggest Loser,” “Keeping Up with the Kardashians,” “Jersey Shore” … you get the picture. However, I feel like I’ve seen them already just from everyone talking about them. I have one piece of advice for their fans: “Get your own life. One that doesn’t include a video camera.”

    veryVERYbusymom

    January 7, 2012 at 06:09

    • I repeat: reality television is the syphilis of broadcasting. If anyone watches more than 3 minutes of Jersey Shore and is still entertained, they need to seek medical advice. Urgently.

      disseminatedthought

      January 7, 2012 at 11:25

  10. I can’t stop laughing!

    krismerino

    January 7, 2012 at 06:12

  11. So. Funny.

    thoughtsofthewanderingkind

    January 8, 2012 at 09:23

  12. This is a supreme blog post! Couldn’t agree more. I take it you’re in the US. Here in the UK, the wonderful British public, full of intellect, have tuned into watching Made In Chelsea. Yet another meaningless embarrassment-show consisting of pouty, skinny sloanes (über posh people) with too much tan and cash, and too few brain cells. It’s cocktail after cocktail, mixed in with a double shot of awkwardness when each scene shows the characters’ complete lack of ability to hold any conversation whatsoever. How these guys think they’re going to get fancy jobs once they “grow up” baffles me….I wouldn’t hire them, even if THEY paid ME! Thanks for the blog, such a chuckle. Keep it coming!

    youarenotlostyouarehere

    February 4, 2012 at 06:35

    • Nope, I’m based in Australia, but we unfortunately get spoon-fed all of the USA-based reality shows.

      The plot you have described above sounds exactly like that of Jersey Shore, which makes me sad in my special place.

      Thank you for your contribution to the conversation, and welcome to The Dissemination of Thought. No talent? Personality of a bathroom sponge? Congratulations, you’ve just secured yourself a 25 episode deal on the reality television program of your choice!

      disseminatedthought

      February 4, 2012 at 16:06

  13. I watch one reality tv show which I am somewhat embarrassed to claim my viewership to (no, it’s not Jersey Shore), but honestly, I have not even seen most reality tv. Also, I did enjoy watching Dancing with the Stars, because the dancing and costumes were fun…I got started watching that when I heard the “Karate Kid” was on it (I used to love that movie).

    So, you seriously think most people are boring??? Hmmm, I beg to disagree with you. I’m not referring to reality tv, but just in general, when I say that life definitely has it share of mundane moments, but people make life infinitely more fascinating. I am a fan of sociological things, so I definitely don’t think people are boring.

    julieannesmith

    February 11, 2012 at 16:12

    • Some people are incredibly fascinating, but I genuinely think, from an entertainment perspective, the vast majority of individuals are dull and uninspiring. They see someone like Kim Kardashian obtain fame and fortune by being devoid of any amusement factor whatsoever, and assume they can obtain – and deserve – the same result.

      Thanks for adding to the discussion, and welcome to TDoT. It’s just like a reality TV show, without the televisions. And the reality.

      disseminatedthought

      February 12, 2012 at 10:53


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