The Dissemination of Thought

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's intelligent…

When Green Eggs and Ham are cooked with lunacy in a can: I’m sorry, Dr Seuss…

with 41 comments

In the midst of riding on an espresso tsunami last week, I somehow accepted a dare from a friend at Mid Life Ranting to rewrite Green Eggs and Ham with my own troubling, incoherent twist. Note to self: starting drinking less coffee. And less vodka. Especially at the same time. Dr Seuss apparently wrote the original story to win a bet, which puts me and my caffeine-fuelled acceptance of a random dare in good company.

After spending almost 5 hours last night trying to comprehend, pull apart and then reconstruct the Dr Seuss masterpiece, I was about two or three words away from being sedated and hauled to far off places by medical professionals brandishing shackled jackets and hypodermic needles.

One of the acclaimed aspects of Green Eggs and Ham is that contains only 50 individual words that were juggled, repeated and shuffled to create the final product. I suggest that anyone who criticises it as being a simplistic children’s book attempts to pen their own engaging chronicle, using just 50 different words.

I couldn’t manage 50. After a lot of editing, rehashing and creative outbursts that bordered on temper tantrums, I finished my attempt with 56 individual words; kudos to you, Dr Seuss. The actual words are: a, ain’t, an, and, ass, bath, cannot, cold, corn, decision’s, die, dish, do, drink, fine, fish, from, glass, gold, grow, hail, horn, hot, I, in, is, it, kill, know, lack, like, milk, mine, no, not, or, pail, paint, pie, restraint, saint, served, shall, share, should, skol, stein, the, this, try, want, warm, will, with, would, yay.

Without further ado, I present Warm Milk and Paint.

Source: jonathanshipley.blogspot.com

Warm Milk and Paint

I ain’t a saint.
A Saint-I-Ain’t.

No Saint-I-Ain’t!
No Saint-I-Aint!
I lack restraint, a Saint-I-Ain’t!

Will I drink warm milk and paint?

I shall not skol it, a Saint-I-Ain’t.
I cannot drink warm milk and paint.

Do I want it hot or cold?

I do not want it hot or cold.
I do not want it served in gold.
I cannot drink warm milk and paint.
It will kill me, a Saint-I-Ain’t.

Would I drink it from a glass? Would I share it with an ass?

I would not drink it from a glass.
I would not share it with an ass.
I do not want it hot or cold.
I do not want it served in gold.
I cannot drink warm milk and paint.
It will kill me, a Saint-I-Aint.

Would I want it in a dish? Would I want it served with fish?

Not in a dish!
Not with a fish!
Not from a glass!
Not with an ass!
I do not want it hot or cold.
I do not want it served in gold.
I cannot drink warm milk and paint.
It will kill me, a Saint-I-Ain’t.

Would I, should I, from a stein? Drink it! Drink it! It is fine.

I would not, cannot, from a stein.

I should like it. I should try. I should drink it with a pie.

I will not, shall not, with a pie.
Not from a stein! Decision’s mine!
I do not want it in a dish.
I do not want it with a fish.
I do not want it from a glass.
I will not share it with an ass.
I do not want it hot or cold.
I do not want it served in gold.
I cannot drink warm milk and paint.
It will kill me, a Saint-I-Ain’t.

Will I, shall I, from a pail?

Not from a pail!
Not with a pie!
No from a stein!
Saint-I-Ain’t shall not die!

I would not, will not, in a dish.
I would not, will not, with a fish.
I cannot share it with an ass.
I cannot skol it from a glass,
I will not drink it hot or cold.
I will not like it served in gold.
I cannot drink warm milk and paint.
It will kill me, a Saint-I-Aint.

Yay! In the bath. Should I, would I, in the bath?

I cannot, will not, in the bath.

Should I, would I, in the hail?

I should not, would not, in the hail.
Not in the bath!
Not from a pail!
Not with a pie!
Not from a stein!
I cannot drink it, a Saint-I-Ain’t.
Not with a glass!
Not with an ass!
Not served with fish!
Not in a dish!
I will not drink it hot or cold.
I will not like it served in gold.
I cannot drink warm milk and paint.
It will kill me, a Saint-I-Aint.

Do I like warm milk and paint?

Like I do not, a Saint-I-Ain’t.

Should I, would I, served with corn?

I cannot, will not, served with corn.

Would I, should I, with a horn?

I will not, cannot, with a horn.
I should not, would not, served with corn.
I will not drink it in the hail.
I will not drink it from a pail.
Not in the bath!
Not with a pie!
Not from a stein! Decision’s mine!
I will not want it in a dish.
I will not like it served with fish.
I shall not drink it from a glass.
I shall not share it with an ass.
I will not drink it hot or cold.
I will not like it served in gold.

I cannot drink warm milk and paint.
It will kill me, a Saint-I-Aint.

I cannot drink it. This I know. Skol it! Skol it! I will grow. Skol it and I will grow, I know.

A Saint-I-Ain’t! I will drink it. Decision’s mine! I will skol it, from a stein.

Yay! I like warm milk and paint!
I like it, I do, a Saint-I-Aint!
And I will drink it with a horn.
And I will drink it served with corn.
I would drink it in the hail.
And it in the bath.
And from a pail.
And from a stein.
I will drink it served with pie.
It is fine, I shall not die!
I will drink it from a dish.
And I want it served with fish.
I shall skol it from a glass.
I will share it with an ass.
I will drink it hot or cold.
I will like it served in gold.

I do know I like warm milk and paint.
Restraint will kill, a Saint-I-Aint!

I know this isn't relevant to Green Eggs and Ham, but I really want that hat. Source: thesceneinto.com

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Written by disseminatedthought

January 3, 2012 at 10:03

41 Responses

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  1. Wow after reading that twice as there was too much to take in the first time I take my hat off to you. I would have has enough after the first four lines. This itself should be given an award

    cameron

    January 3, 2012 at 10:08

    • My head still hurts, 10 hours later. When a dish is a box and fish is a fox, everything becomes blurred and very confusing.

      disseminatedthought

      January 3, 2012 at 10:16

  2. That was quite senseussical and deserving of a cat in the hat hat!

    sandylikeabeach

    January 3, 2012 at 10:11

    • Thank you! I’ll have to jump on eBay to see if I can find one. How hard can it be? I don’t know, we shall see.

      disseminatedthought

      January 3, 2012 at 10:23

  3. I bow before the mighty word smith!!!! Bravo bravo!! The next time I issue a challenge it will have to be a damn good one to top this. You did the seemingly impossible and I salute you my friend!

    mLr

    January 3, 2012 at 10:25

    • I’m sending you two invoices: one is for my session with the psychiatrist, and the other is the damage to restock my liquor cabinet.

      disseminatedthought

      January 3, 2012 at 10:38

  4. I’m impressed, that was some high quality rhyming.

    Curly Carly

    January 3, 2012 at 10:26

  5. You have proven to me your superiority as a human being! I laud your caffeine fuelled accomplishment.

    carly

    January 3, 2012 at 10:42

  6. Holy Hat Trick Batman! That Cat Can Rhyme!

    Very fun! My favorite as of this year! Now excuse me while I eat some green eggs and ham with some nice warm milk and paint to wash it down!!!

    Too much?

    thefutureofhope

    January 3, 2012 at 11:01

  7. Very concerning…

    Solomon

    January 3, 2012 at 11:09

  8. Nicely done! But why stop with “Green Eggs and Ham”? For your next challenge, I suggest you take on, “The 5000 Fingers of Dr T,” the extremely disturbing, overtly homoerotic/S&M 1953 classic by the beloved Dr. Seuss. I guarantee you will never look at his published works the same way again. Here’s the link for a sneak peek: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHVRxzvkJao. Really, if you haven’t seen it….

    Kitchen Slattern

    January 3, 2012 at 11:13

    • What the fuck? I’m not sure what to be disturbed by most: the lyrics to the song or that glove hat the kid is wearing.

      disseminatedthought

      January 3, 2012 at 11:25

      • Really? I think the half nude, strapped-up elevator operator with the penis hat takes the prize.

        Kitchen Slattern

        January 3, 2012 at 11:32

      • I thought he was the most seemingly normal out of everyone in the elevator.

        disseminatedthought

        January 3, 2012 at 11:40

  9. Oh! Ok… 🙂 You definitely need to reduce the expressos! But great job on the version!

    truthaboutmornings

    January 3, 2012 at 11:31

    • You’ve only had too much espresso when your heart stops. Or when you start seeing orange elephants driving buses.

      Welcome to The Dissemination of Thought. The drunken idiot that writes this blog is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to a real person, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

      disseminatedthought

      January 3, 2012 at 12:02

  10. He’s certainly the shiniest.

    Kitchen Slattern

    January 3, 2012 at 11:45

  11. I’d like to nominate you for the Kreativ Blogger award. Please see here http://snippetsandglimpses.wordpress.com/2012/01/03/the-versatile-blogger-award-and-the-kreativ-blogger-award/ for details if you’d like to accept.

    Nataly

    January 3, 2012 at 23:51

    • Thank you for the award, it’s greatly appreciated! Welcome you to The Dissemination of Thought; if you’d like to look around, most of the stuff you see is available in our gift shop.

      disseminatedthought

      January 4, 2012 at 09:08

  12. Whoa! My head is spinning.

    Adrienne schmadrienne

    January 4, 2012 at 02:31

    • I suggest having 2 triple-shot lattes with tequila chasers in the space of about 15 minutes: that should make the spinning stop.

      disseminatedthought

      January 4, 2012 at 09:02

  13. Very clever!

    zumpoems

    January 4, 2012 at 08:28

  14. Wow, nice! Hat’s off to you. Definitely a fun read!

    therubbe

    January 4, 2012 at 09:55

  15. standing ovation!!!!
    what timing! would you believe I watched the video last week on youtube?
    cheers!

    Cakes McCain

    January 4, 2012 at 10:06

    • Thanks! Please send cash in lieu of ovations.

      I was watching it, too. It has a certain psychosis-inducing, addictive charm about it.

      disseminatedthought

      January 4, 2012 at 10:23

  16. This is so awesome!!

    Heather Christena Schmidt

    January 4, 2012 at 17:03

    • Thank you. I’m getting emails and text messages suggesting that I tackle the complete Dr Seuss collection: I may have created a monster.

      disseminatedthought

      January 4, 2012 at 17:56

  17. I’m sure Dr. Seuss took way more than 5 hours to write his masterpiece. Bravo! My favorite is the closing line: “Restraint will kill, a Saint-I-Aint!” You need to turn that into a bumper sticker.

    veryVERYbusymom

    January 4, 2012 at 17:23

    • I’m happy to discuss any book/bumper sticker deals, as long as it involves me doing very little work in return for a huge novelty cheque.

      If I had have spent more than 5 hours on it, I would have ended up leaping off my balcony with a bottle of vodka in one hand, chanting, “A Saint-I-Ain’t! A Saint-I-Ain’t!”

      Welcome to TDoT. Help yourself to a bumper sticker. And a hat.

      disseminatedthought

      January 4, 2012 at 18:04

  18. very clever.TDoT…would I want it served with fish? – had me rolling!

    vixytwix

    January 4, 2012 at 22:02

  19. excellent stuff! I have not appreciated this Dr Seuss classic before until you told me the restraints he worked under. I still enjoyed your effort more 🙂

    johnlmalone

    January 6, 2012 at 07:22

    • I’ve decided that I’m going to eventually attempt another rewrite and aim for the magical 50 words; I’m going to need vodka, Valium, pancakes and a Cat in the Hat hat.

      Thanks for the positive comment, and welcome to the Seuss-like shenanigans that are The Dissemination of Thought.

      disseminatedthought

      January 6, 2012 at 08:16


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