The Dissemination of Thought

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's intelligent…

Oranges, Indian and Shirazco Pops: 4 signs that it’s time to go shopping

with 16 comments

I’m penning this (sort of) as I scrutinise the contents of my refrigerator, trying to ascertain what gastronomical marvel I can create with the ingredients that are staring back at me. After being away for 3 days over the Christmas long weekend, I’m being accosted with forlorn stares of loneliness from the items currently residing at Casa de Fisher & Paykel. Shit. There won’t be a Michelin star coming my way anytime soon. To bring you up to speed, I’m currently eyeballing:

  • a near-empty jar of Vegemite
  • a bottle of soy sauce
  • three feta-filled olives (which are disappearing as I type this)
  • an orange

If I open the freezer door, we can add coffee beans and a bottle of vodka to the list.

Step 1: Ensure you have food. Oops... Source: mobipocket.com

Given that a vodka-infused orange isn’t a recognised meal, it’s probably an opportune time to highlight 4 signs that indicate you need to go shopping.

1. You spend considerable time trying to work out what ingredients in your fridge you can combine to create something that passes as a meal

I just realised that I have a box of Coco Pops, but I’m lacking milk to add to them. I could eat them dry, or I could attempt to drown the grains of chocolate bliss with a 2009 Barossa Valley Shiraz. In executing the latter plan, I could determine once and for all if my “Shirazco Pops” concept is commercially feasible.

It could work... Sources: news.com.au and allaboutredwine.com

While your family and friends may assert that you can win MasterChef 2012 with your ability to create innovative dishes from seemingly mismatched ingredients, soaking Froot Loops in red wine is never, ever going to secure you a cookbook deal.

2. Vodka and soy sauce are two of the aforementioned ingredients

Yes, really.

3. You can’t remember buying some of the stuff in your fridge

There’s an orange in my fridge that represents all the fruit and vegetables currently in my apartment. I’ve got no idea whether it’s a Valencia or Navel, but a variety-specific identification of the little ball of citrus isn’t relevant to our discussion. The point is, I have no recollection of purchasing it. I’m not usually an orange kind of guy, so I’m going to have to assume that I got it when I last had Southern Comfort and Coke.

If you get to the point of having random citrus in your refrigerator that you can’t account for, it’s time to get reacquainted with your local supermarket.

Where did this bloody orange come from?

4. You are on a first-name basis with the proprietor of the local Indian restaurant 

In the last 7-day period, I’ve had Indian delivered on Tuesday and Thursday, while Friday saw Thai added to the rotation. I was away on Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I’ve got no doubt that I’ll be getting another curry for dinner tonight, and I’m reasonably confident that if I went a week without placing an order, the restaurant’s owner would call the police and report me missing.

If your collection of menus for local restaurants outnumber the individual food items in your fridge, or worse, you have speed dials allocated for them in your phone, you need to go shopping. Urgently.

Source: tradormarketing.co.uk

Should you ever find yourself asking, “I’ve only got expired milk and oregano left, I wonder if I should go shopping?”, the answer’s in the question. Remember: breakfast cereal and tequila sprinkled with hundreds and thousands do not a meal make.

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Written by disseminatedthought

December 27, 2011 at 16:26

16 Responses

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  1. If I didn’t already learn you were a man, I just did. At least it wasn’t down to mayonaise, coca-cola, hot dogs, and baking soda.

    Solomon

    December 27, 2011 at 16:32

    • Is it that obvious? I thought the Shirazco Pops had potential, but they may be a very acquired taste.

      I don’t think I’ve ever owned baking soda.

      disseminatedthought

      December 27, 2011 at 16:52

      • Baking Soda helps absorb all the smells of the shit that you forgot was in the fridge until you decide it really is time to work out what the source of that foul and mysterious odour is.

        OzSpinCycle

        December 27, 2011 at 21:18

      • Wouldn’t I need to have food in my fridge in order to have an offensive odour emanating from it?

        disseminatedthought

        December 28, 2011 at 05:37

  2. Dude I know your pain! LOL! I wrote about it as well. More often than not I have more condiments then food, and far too much alcohol (ironic since I rarely drink or use condiments).
    It reminds me of the scene from Hurly Burly where Kevin Spacey tells Sean Penn they have no food and takes a rotten orange and tells him he can have it with his Bolivian blow for breakfast.
    If I had take out anywhere near my apartment, I`d probably be there at least 5 times a week like back in my ‘civilized’ hood where the local take out owners used to corner-eye me suspiciously and whisper to their staff: “Doesn’t she ever cook? or eat anything besides -enter type of food here-?” You know when the staff remembers your order off by heart, and to “hold the onions” – you’re in trouble. It almost makes you want to fuck with them out of your own humiliation and mix it up a bit. At least I no longer have access to 25 cents-a-pack ramen noodles – that stuff will eventually kill you and make you pass out on escalators (like my friend did). Eat the orange tho, you may need that Vit-C/good sugar and who needs scurvy right?

    Cakes McCain

    December 27, 2011 at 19:13

    • I don’t have any blow, be it Bolivian or of any other origin, but I do have a lamb korma en route. I think Kevin Spacey would approve.

      Good advice re: avoiding scurvy – the pirate look is so 1702.

      disseminatedthought

      December 27, 2011 at 19:25

  3. Hilarious!!

    Curly Carly

    December 28, 2011 at 00:51

    • Who needs food when you have laughter?

      disseminatedthought

      December 28, 2011 at 05:38

      • So many comments and so little time!! TDoT you need help, urgently my friend lol

        mLr

        December 28, 2011 at 11:05

      • If I had a dollar for every time I’d been told that…

        disseminatedthought

        December 28, 2011 at 11:29

  4. Oh, come on! You could have made a meal out of that! Chopped up the olives and orange and mixed together. Sprinkled some crushed up cereal on top. Then vodka to wash it down. Some people pay tons of money for that kind of four star meal!!

    thefutureofhope

    December 28, 2011 at 17:12

    • The only problem is that I had consumed the olives before realising they were the only “real” ingredients I possessed. Once you take them out of the mix, all you are basically left with is soy sauce and a drunken writer with a penchant for breakfast cereal.

      disseminatedthought

      December 28, 2011 at 17:37

    • I don’t have any issues with it, but society deems it unacceptable. Stupid society.

      disseminatedthought

      December 28, 2011 at 22:54

  5. Oh… And here I thought you had it all together as a single guy…

    leeschmidt

    February 6, 2012 at 20:16


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