The Dissemination of Thought

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's intelligent…

Why I wanted to throw an Oompa-Loompa off a moving ferry: blogging from the BlackBerry

with 23 comments

Public transport. It’s a never-ending source of depraved curiosity, bewilderment and material. If my travels don’t find me perplexed by the riddle of the ring, it seems like I’m perpetually pondering blasé parenting. I know, I’ve got a bit of an alliteration thing going on at the moment. Honestly, a solid week riding on the trains, buses and ferries could yield enough material for a year’s worth of TDoT posts. There’s a chance that it would also yield any number of genital-specific diseases, but I digress.

Why do parents think their spawn are not only bonsai geniuses, but that they are the most delightfully amusing munchkins on the planet? Furthermore, what drugs are they taking to nurture the delusion that the rest of us want to be subjected to Johnny reciting the alphabet on the bus, or little Barbeigh (yeah, like the doll, only cooler) running from one end of the train carriage to the other? Not only is Johnny in all probability as dumb as a post, he’s also as annoying as fuck. Put a leash on him or something.

On my ferry ride home this afternoon, I was accosted by four little darlings screaming and arguing. When they weren’t galloping around the cabin, they insisted on testing the trampoline-like qualities of the seats. A cessation of this behaviour only signalled that it was time for them to question their parents about why they hadn’t received a new toy in the last three minutes. At the top of their voices. Once the interrogation was over, the Oompa-Loompa wannabes resumed pulling each other’s hair and running the Tour de Ferry.

What did the parents do while the fruit of their loins were unleashing commuting Armageddon? Nothing. They chatted, played with their mobile phones and, unless I’m completely mistaken, seemed to take great joy in watching the bambinos entertain the other passengers. No, I don’t find your kid’s off-key caroling soothing – I’m trying to determine how harshly society would judge me for throwing a five-year-old off the stern of a moving vessel.

Given that I’m devoid of any paternal instinct whatsoever, one could assume that my Grinch-like complaint was unfounded and purely the result of not being very cherub friendly. But it wasn’t just me. Upon assessing the facial expressions of my fellow commuters, it was clear that I wasn’t the only one wanting to jettison minors. Had I followed through with my plan, I guarantee that I would have had to take a number and wait in line, a la a suburban delicatessen.

Can someone please explain to me why most parents believe that their progeny running riot in public and pissing everyone else off is adorable?

His parents will never understand why you want to murder him.  Source:

His parents will never understand why you want to murder him. Source:

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry on my BlackBerry Bold 9700

23 Responses

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  1. Ugh! I was in a Japanese restaurant recently watching two little girls dance and swing each other around while their parents gazed at them with gooey eyes. They were creepy, like they were in a cult or something. 2 waiters almost tripped over them before they took their free love fest outside. The weirdest thing is they didn’t even buy any food.


    December 22, 2011 at 23:36

  2. They couldn’t possibly suppress little Damien’s creative instinct now could they. As a parent of 4 this absolutely shit’s me to tears, especially when I am trying to get mine to sit down and shut up and they look at you with that “they can do it why can’t i” sort of look. Because their parent’s a fuckwit with no sense of the situation and I am not.


    December 23, 2011 at 00:00

    • Little Damien is going to have a hard time being creative when an irritated passenger finally snaps and hurls him off the back of a CityCat.


      December 23, 2011 at 07:46

  3. I think something happens to the brain upon birthing a child. The parents can no longer see the world the way childless people do. I’m sure it’s an evolution-based thing that happens so that the parents don’t feel the urge to murder their kids after hearing “this is the song that never ends” 20 times in a row.

    Curly Carly

    December 23, 2011 at 00:50

    • Do you think parents who let their kids run riot get frustrated when other parents let their children scream and jump on everything, or do they develop some bizarre immunity to misbehaving munchkins?

      Seeing kids behave like that only strengthens my resolve not to breed.

      “This is the song that doesn’t end, Yes, it goes on and on my friend”


      December 23, 2011 at 07:55

      • Most definitely. I have met many a one-eyed parent who thinks that little Johnny never does anything wrong, he just gets picked on by the other kids that’s why he acts that way. Hang on, if you’re spawn hadn’t pushed my kid over for no reason, he wouldn’t have punched him in the nose.

        I have heard them bitch about other kids behaviour while in the other direction theirs is throwing sugar packets off the table at anyone in a 5m radius.

        My kids are perfect of course 🙂


        December 23, 2011 at 10:48

      • Of course they are – I didn’t doubt that for a second.


        December 23, 2011 at 10:54

  4. I almost wrote yesterday post on public transport after I was stuck behind a preaching retarded man. Public transport is like mobile homes for crazies.


    December 23, 2011 at 03:37

    • There’s a distinct difference between someone with a mental illness and kids who are making a scene just because their parents are too fucking ignorant to do anything about it.

      A homeless guy currently resides beside the river here, and we share a ferry across the water fairly frequently. He definitely has his moments where he’s talking to someone that only he can see, but at other times, he’s reasonably lucid and great to chat to. He’s knowledgeable, amusing and incredibly open about his life and his illness. I’d rather travel with him every time – lucid or not – than a spoilt eight-year-old whose parents don’t care how much her behaviour pisses me off.


      December 23, 2011 at 07:12

  5. It’s time the rest of us started speaking up. ‘Cause this is bullshit. Last week a 3 or 4 year old started punching me as I was petting a dog in front of a cafe, then last week a kid (about 9 years old walking with his mum) that was passing me on the road while i was walking my 2 dogs said (quite loudly) “those dogs are ugly” I turned apound and responed just as loudly “ya? YOU’RE ugly.” Enough is enough. Waht have you got to lose? I can assure you you would get a (silent) standing ovation/seal of approval from the others.

    Cakes McCain

    December 23, 2011 at 06:50

    • I was having breakfast at a cafe with my parents last weekend, and this guy behind us started doing magic tricks for his 3 kids, complete with blaring commentary. As they started getting louder, so did he. The kids then began to run around the tables, at which point I obstreperously asked my parents whether they would like to see MY magic tricks. I thought I mimicked the guy’s voice perfectly, but the jury is still out. He heard me, as did several other diners. From that moment on, his magic show stopped and the kids actually sat at the table and ate their breakfast.


      December 23, 2011 at 07:35

  6. The reason parents can’t stop them is simply society takes a dim view of mum & dad kicking their shiny little arses. It is a catch 22. You can’t discipline them without some friggin do gooder calling doc’s, yet you are supposed to be responsible….. personally i get great amusement from the looks of horror when i grab my little darlings by the throat and kick their arses in public! Hopefully someone will visit me in jail when that policy lands me in the shit lol


    December 23, 2011 at 08:57

    • I’ll bake you a cake with a file in it. Any preference on the flavour?


      December 23, 2011 at 09:29

    • I think that there will likely be a few of us in that jail cell together. It is amazing just how many sources of judgment can be lumped on a person. If it’s not your parent’s (our’s are great by the way at not doing this), it’s other relatives, other parent’s, people without kids, etc. It is amazing how much random strangers feel that you might like their advice on just what you are doing wrong. More than once I have felt like plonking a kid in their trolley at Woollies and walking off saying “If you think you can do it better then you can have them”.

      That being said, parents not parenting (as per your post) is my biggest hate (hey what a surprise I am judgmental too). If you get their arms, I’ll get their legs and we’ll see how far we can launch them into the river.


      December 23, 2011 at 10:44

      • Everyone’s great at giving advice, especially when they don’t have to do anything except dish out the nuggets of wisdom. That said, I still wanted to throw the little fucker off the boat, closely followed by his parents.


        December 23, 2011 at 11:01

  7. Love this post! I work at a children’s hospital and am constantly griping about the ill-behaved ankle-biters! I realize I have no experience in child rearing and therefore shouldn’t judge, but I will! I can only hope to do a better job once I pop a few out!


    January 10, 2012 at 14:04

    • I shouldn’t be responsible for a goldfish, let alone a miniature human being. I’ve never had any desire to procreate, but using public transport during school holidays has quashed any residual flame: it’s the ultimate non-invasive contraception.

      Welcome to The Dissemination of Thought. Please leave any misbehaving munchkins in the pen in the front yard before entering.


      January 10, 2012 at 16:41

  8. Funny I read this today after I spent some time on the train ride home listening to a child screaming at the top of it’s lungs. I couldn’t even hear the parent/s telling it to be quiet. So they must also think their child is just being adorable. I like this post…twas entertaining 🙂


    February 6, 2012 at 20:31

    • I may be wrong, but I think parents find it entertaining until the instant someone else’s kid starts bellowing and running amok.

      Thanks for dropping by, and welcome to TDoT, where the closest thing we have to a child is the author.


      February 7, 2012 at 21:09

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