The Dissemination of Thought

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's intelligent…

Screw you, Stan Lee: 3 things that comics lied to me about

with 6 comments

Those people at Marvel and DC Comics have some explaining to do for the lies they indoctrinated me with during my formative years.

Where the lies all began. Source: en.wikipedia.org

Comics misguided me into thinking that any 11-year-old boy could be a billionaire playboy by day and an angry vigilante with a latex fetish when the sun went down. They made me believe that women who ran around with a golden lasso while wearing knee-high hooker boots were of sound mind and available to date. Here’s an important safety tip: if a woman professes to own an invisible airplane, back away slowly.

A hot woman flying an invisible airplane should be a warning sign. Source: engadget.com

Let’s debunk 3 other childhood beliefs that came to be because of comics:

Belief 1: That wearing glasses and parting my hair on the side would keep my true identity safe.

A thick-rimmed pair of glasses and container of Brylcreem do not an alter ego make. If I threw on a beret and novelty nose/moustache combination I’d still be a giant, and I’d still get picked out of a police line-up in about four seconds. The only conclusion one can draw is that the residents of Metropolis were as dumb as fuck.

If Clark Kent had worked for a real newspaper, he would have been made as Superman the first time he took his glasses off to sing karaoke at an office function. Or when someone smarter than Lois Lane realised that he could always guess what underwear they had on, including the orange and gold crotchless number that they had custom made in Thailand.

Come on Clark, you aren’t fooling anyone. Source: toptenz.net

Belief 2: That wearing my underwear on the outside would make me popular and sexually appealing to women.

Publicly displaying your undergarments – especially when they are worn over your jeans at the railway station – is not socially acceptable behaviour. Doing so will make you about as popular as that one monkey at the zoo that insists on flinging its faeces at the other inhabitants of the enclosure.

As for using exposed briefs as a visual aid to help seduce a woman, I now know that capsicum spray and my eyes can never be friends. Apparently women don’t find a guy in underpants curled up while frantically rubbing his eyes sexy. Go figure.

Dude, you are 43. Just don't do it. Source: mooshoo.tumblr.com

Belief 3: That being bitten by a radioactive spider and shooting stuff from my wrists would allow me to climb walls.

There are two problems with this premise. The first is the belief that radioactive spiders with a proclivity for biting unsuspecting students are in plentiful abundance. Unless your high school is based somewhere near Chernobyl, they aren’t.

A grown man in lycra with a camera: creepy. Source: marvel.com

The second – and most critical – issue is that public excretions from any part of your body are frowned upon by society. Wearing a mask and skin-tight costume while you egest will only exacerbate the problem. Had Peter Parker walked around in real life ejaculating an unidentified sticky substance from his wrists, he would have been tasered, incarcerated and put onto a myriad of lists and registers before he got five feet off the ground.

So, Stan Lee, screw you. Your tales of deceit have not aided my quest to find horny superhero groupies who find grown men wearing Batman underpants desirable. Further to this small grievance, I still can’t fly.

What did comics – or other children’s literature – lie to you about?

Author’s note: for the sake of this post, comics have been deemed children’s reading material. Deal with it.

The Caveman Batman? No wonder I’m confused. Source: myhumors99.com

 

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Written by disseminatedthought

December 18, 2011 at 15:44

6 Responses

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  1. Stan Lee didn’t score a lot as a kid. I guess that’s why.

    joem18b

    December 18, 2011 at 16:48

    • I’m just glad I realised that they were all lies before I ran around in public wearing a mask and utility belt.

      Welcome to The Dissemination of Thought. For your information, we have a no cowl, no service policy.

      disseminatedthought

      December 18, 2011 at 17:01

  2. With Belief number1 my boys have the opposite approach: Funny hats, glasses, and wacked out hair make their superhero identity. That way when they are plain normal, you might just think its a doppelganger. If that!

    Oh and if you were to write your own comic strip, how would you set it up?

    thefutureofhope

    December 18, 2011 at 18:48

    • I’ll have to think about it and get back to you. Characters and plots for my very own comic strip aren’t something that I’ve ever given much thought to. What about yours? Who is the main character? What sort of funky costume do they have? How do they battle the forces of evil?

      disseminatedthought

      December 18, 2011 at 19:04

  3. Clearly false hope is given when ever we read comics and I think every person gets lost and dazes off into the dark abyss they call dream land, pretending what it would be like to shoot out sticky substances that are actually beneficial…(slight joke included). But the question is, without comics where would the world be??

    Cameron Keane

    December 19, 2011 at 08:48

    • Escapism of any sort is fun. I just wish I could find a way to run around in public wearing a Superman costume without having to explain it to a magistrate.

      disseminatedthought

      December 19, 2011 at 08:57


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