When words are misheard: children’s television takes an erotic turn
Hearing a presenter on Play School blurt out “my vagina’s sore” in the middle of a song aimed at kids gets your attention. I stopped writing and spun around to focus on the TV. There she was, in her purple pants and hot pink top, apparently bemoaning about aching genitals. For a fleeting moment, afternoon programming on the ABC got raunchy. Highly inappropriate for children, but raunchy and engaging nonetheless. After watching her bounce around singing for another twenty or thirty seconds, I learnt two things:
- The lyrics were actually “like a dinosaur”.
- I need to get my hearing checked. Soon.
Okay, it’s fairly obvious that I need to pay more attention to things, but the mix up made me reminiscing about my favourite childhood television characters, and what would have happened to them had they developed in real life, albeit with a dark, non-PG twist.
Miss Piggy had to endure a leaked sex tape
Disillusioned with the industry after an extended hiatus, Miss Piggy attempted to move back into the spotlight with several appearances at A-list parties. Having failed to convince television executives that she deserved her own Nigella-like cooking show, she did what any aspiring D-list celebrity does to gain notoriety: feigned shock and embarrassment when a poorly-lit video of her fucking an NFL quarterback went viral.
Cookie Monster discovered hash brownies
Over stuffing his face with chocolate chip cookies to amuse snotty-nosed children, Cookie Monster diversified his palate and discovered magic brownies. In what was described as nothing more than a coincidence, he also discovered Doritos. Desperate for money to finance his $1,500-a-day brownie habit, he reinvented himself as Munchie Monster and began hosting a breakfast radio show in San Francisco.
Count von Count would have succumbed to Twilight hysteria
As a result of pissing everyone off with his incessant counting, and because he’s just not as hot as Edward, Twihards turned on our favourite childhood vampire with stakes while waiting for the premiere of the twenty-eighth movie. In an ironic twist, the Count seemed to enjoy tallying his stab wounds as he died.
He’s a drummer. He eats glass. He’s the puppet embodiment of rock and roll debauchery.
Animal would have ended up in an exclusive Hollywood rehab clinic before being offered his own reality show, in which he mentors percussion prodigies and offers words of wisdom about how to explain being caught snorting cocaine off a toilet cistern.
In all likelihood, Animal was the one who leaked Miss Piggy’s sex tape, after waking up naked in a puddle of his own vomit and discovering it on his iPhone.
“You don’t mess with Animal. He eats glass, man.” – Frank Oz
What would have happened to Kermit? I assume that he would have started a religious cult with a bunch of the Disney characters. Or ended up as an entrée.
Written by disseminatedthought
December 8, 2011 at 10:56
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