The Dissemination of Thought

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's intelligent…

When words are misheard: children’s television takes an erotic turn

with 9 comments

Hearing a presenter on Play School blurt out “my vagina’s sore” in the middle of a song aimed at kids gets your attention.  I stopped writing and spun around to focus on the TV.  There she was, in her purple pants and hot pink top, apparently bemoaning about aching genitals.  For a fleeting moment, afternoon programming on the ABC got raunchy.  Highly inappropriate for children, but raunchy and engaging nonetheless.  After watching her bounce around singing for another twenty or thirty seconds, I learnt two things:

  1. The lyrics were actually “like a dinosaur”.
  2. I need to get my hearing checked.  Soon.

Okay, it’s fairly obvious that I need to pay more attention to things, but the mix up made me reminiscing about my favourite childhood television characters, and what would have happened to them had they developed in real life, albeit with a dark, non-PG twist.

Miss Piggy had to endure a leaked sex tape

Source: muppet.wikia.com

Disillusioned with the industry after an extended hiatus, Miss Piggy attempted to move back into the spotlight with several appearances at A-list parties.  Having failed to convince television executives that she deserved her own Nigella-like cooking show, she did what any aspiring D-list celebrity does to gain notoriety: feigned shock and embarrassment when a poorly-lit video of her fucking an NFL quarterback went viral.

A Miss Piggy sex tape: it’s not that hard to imagine. Source: muppet.wikia.com

Cookie Monster discovered hash brownies

Source: muppet.wikia.com

Over stuffing his face with chocolate chip cookies to amuse snotty-nosed children, Cookie Monster diversified his palate and discovered magic brownies.  In what was described as nothing more than a coincidence, he also discovered Doritos.  Desperate for money to finance his $1,500-a-day brownie habit, he reinvented himself as Munchie Monster and began hosting a breakfast radio show in San Francisco.

“Do you want a cookie? Do you want a cookie?” Source: muppet.wikia.com

Count von Count would have succumbed to Twilight hysteria

As a result of pissing everyone off with his incessant counting, and because he’s just not as hot as Edward, Twihards turned on our favourite childhood vampire with stakes while waiting for the premiere of the twenty-eighth movie.   In an ironic twist, the Count seemed to enjoy tallying his stab wounds as he died.

Source: muppet.wikia.com

AnimalTV 

He’s a drummer.  He eats glass.  He’s the puppet embodiment of rock and roll debauchery.

Source: muppet.wikia.com

Animal would have ended up in an exclusive Hollywood rehab clinic before being offered his own reality show, in which he mentors percussion prodigies and offers words of wisdom about how to explain being caught snorting cocaine off a toilet cistern.

In all likelihood, Animal was the one who leaked Miss Piggy’s sex tape, after waking up naked in a puddle of his own vomit and discovering it on his iPhone.

“You don’t mess with Animal.  He eats glass, man.” – Frank Oz 

What would have happened to Kermit?  I assume that he would have started a religious cult with a bunch of the Disney characters.  Or ended up as an entrée.

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9 Responses

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  1. So funny, it’s not too hard to imagine any of these things happening! 🙂

    B.B.Darlington

    December 8, 2011 at 14:09

  2. I always imagined Eernie & Burt in a same sex Marriage, with a sinister twist there somewhere, maybe even oscar somehow involved in a sick and seedy way.
    Dont forget that hearing test!

    bcarfulwhatchuwish4

    December 8, 2011 at 16:07

    • I think Oscar was just pissed off because he was made to live in a garbage can. Being confined to a dented metal bin tends to limit the ways in which you can develop professionally.

      Welcome to The Dissemination of Thought.

      disseminatedthought

      December 8, 2011 at 16:48

  3. Well here’s another nail in my blogging addiction… I should just check into rehab now. Do they have internet access in rehab…?

    ericanexpress

    December 13, 2011 at 23:30

    • I hope so, in addition to an unlimited supply of vodka and 30-year-old single malt. Monogrammed bathrobes would be nice, but I don’t want to push my luck.

      Welcome to TDoT, and the lunacy that is. I accept no responsibility for you hocking personal belongings to feed your blogging habit.

      disseminatedthought

      December 13, 2011 at 23:41

      • Thank you. I’m sure my family will organise an intervention before I start selling my stuff. At least, I hope so… Meanwhile, I’m researching cures for blogging addiction. Will post my findings soon. Maybe.

        ericanexpress

        December 14, 2011 at 02:05


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