3 things that should never be dressed up
Everyone has a limit. A line that, if crossed, causes one to leap into action to try and right perceived wrongs. It turns out that my limit is faux reindeer antlers on cars. And trucks. And taxis. What the hell is going on? Why do people feel it’s necessary to adorn inanimate objects and innocent children with shit that they would never consider subjecting themselves to?
Let’s look at my top three:
1. Motor vehicles
I’ll try to make this as concise as possible. Decorating a car for Red Nose Day is a good thing. Garnishing your Prius with plastic antlers and a bulbous proboscis so it resembles an arctic mammal isn’t. Sure, it’s festive, but it’s also fucking ridiculous.
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I’ve already expressed my bewilderment at pet owners who dress up their pooches in tutus and tiny tuxedos. To those individuals, I offer this advice: the people peering over top of their chai lattes and mugachinos don’t think that Chi-Chi’s three-piece puppy suit is to die for; they’re actually weighing up the probability that you keep severed human heads in the freezer.
It’s bad enough that your little darlings have to live with you calling them Summer Raine, A’meelya or Tangerine. Don’t rub salt into a gaping wound by parading them around in stupid outfits for all to see. If you do dress them up and then produce the photos on their 21st birthday for laughs, they will suffocate you with a pillow while you sleep. Or firmly lodge a tangerine in your throat.