The Dissemination of Thought

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's intelligent…

Small things and small minds: 3 things that amuse me

with 2 comments

It’s Friday night, and as I sit here watching ice cubes melt into the remaining traces of my first Scotch, I find myself in a reflective yet jocose mood. So, instead of vociferating about something that’s pissed me off with society today, I’ve decided to make a list of 3 things that amuse me. I know that 10 seems to be the magical number as far as lists go, but in addition to being reflective, I’m also feeling very lackadaisical. So you get 3. I’d love to hear what amuses you guys too, so get your thinking caps on.

Without further ado, in no particular order, are 3 things that regale me:

1. Some of the one liners written into the scripts for Two and a Half Men. I know that Charlie Sheen and the show itself may not exactly be the flavour of the month, but some of the shit that the scriptwriters push out – no pun intended – cracks me up, including:

a) “You have two black eyes, and you’re perched on a scrotum cosy.”

b) ‎”Look at every New Year’s resolution I’ve ever made. I’ve got the best of intentions, but by January third or fourth, there I am broke, hung over, and coughing up stripper glitter.”

c) “Michelle, on the list of things I expect to kill me, mercury poisoning ranks well below liver failure, struck by lightning and heart attack during sex. Guess which one I’m rooting for?”

d) “You know what the problem is? The women, the drinking…you look at me and think it’s easy. What you don’t see is the years of dedication that have made me the boozing ass wrangler I am today.”

Actually, that’s probably not a bad idea for a list in its own right: “Favourite quotes from sitcoms I shouldn’t watch, but do”. Keep an eye on this space…

2. Finding advertising and business signage that isn’t meant to be humorous, but for whatever reason, are very much so. May I present Exhibit A below.

Here's an important tip: when creating signage for your business, ensure that ALL the letters on the sign are visible...

3. Watching someone try very hard to impress a potential romantic liaison, usually under the influence of copious amounts of alcohol. In my personal experience, it’s usually a drunken guy trying to chat up a girl who is about two weight divisions above his class. More often than not, he is egged on by his equally drunk, undoubtedly bored mates. At times, it’s pitifully corny and horrid, but this social interaction is also as funny as fuck to observe. It’s akin to a traffic accident: I know I shouldn’t be watching, but I can’t take my eyes off the carnage.

Now, as I stare at the bottom of an empty Scotch glass, I turn the floor over to you, and your lists of amusement.

Written by disseminatedthought

August 19, 2011 at 20:48

2 Responses

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  1. Now you challenging us to think on a Friday night. No fair!

    Let’s give this a go…

    1/ British humour. Especially the old stuff like Monty Python, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, Goodies, Open All Hours and even a bit of Benny Hill. Some of the newer stuff like The Office and Coupling are great but I think they are far rarer now than they were. Either that or they are crowded off our teles by American shows and “Reality” television (now there’s a topic for a post methinks).

    2/ Completely stupid short jokes with little point. In evidence I present
    a) Why do elephants paint the bottoms of their feet yellow?
    So they can hide upside down in custard.
    b) Have you ever seem an elephant hiding upside down in custard?
    No, well that just proves how well their disguise works.
    c) An Irishman, an Englishman and an Australian walked into a bar, and the barman said “What is this some kind of fucking joke!”

    3/ Watching people dig themselves a fucking great big hole just before you spring the trap on them and let them know in no uncertain terms that you know full well that everything they have just said is complete and utter horseshit. Case is point was a project accountant would feed me a great line of shit about what the balance in a particular account was when he really had no fucking clue, for me to finally say to him “Well that’s funny because that’s not the way we did it when we set up that system. I wonder what’s changed.” All the while knowing that nothing has. His reply “I can see I’ll have to come up with some better answers for you”. The truth would probably do I think.

    What can I say. I am amused by simple things, many that evoke memories of childhood and I can be petty too!


    August 20, 2011 at 00:31

    • I too find British humour, for the most part, incredibly entertaining. One of my favourites is Are You Being Served? The witty banter between the characters and the not-so-subtle innuendo never fails to make me laugh. Ever since I saw The Goodies for the first time, I’ve pondered about how to acquire a trandem bicycle…

      Don’t get me started on reality television. Most of the “talent” on those shows makes me want to breathe fire and foam at the mouth. A post dedicated to the genre is perhaps more attention than it deserves, but it’s probably needed. I inadvertently watched about ninety seconds of a Jersey Shore episode once, and wanted to throw my television off the balcony.

      Why do stupid jokes make us laugh? Someone once hit me with the one below, and I couldn’t help but erupt in a fit of merriment.

      Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
      A: I don’t know.

      Yeah, I know, it’s absolutely horrendous, but that didn’t stop me almost spitting coffee across the table.

      Ah, the proverbial hole. Always a source of amusement. When will people learn that someone will ALWAYS know more than you do, especially if you’re trying to bluff your way through a discussion armed with nothing more than stupidity and a metaphorical shovel?

      Thanks for sharing your 3 things.


      August 20, 2011 at 08:03

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