The Dissemination of Thought

Just because it's in print doesn't mean it's intelligent…

The boy in the bubble strikes again…

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I was going to start this post with a big “WTF?” I could have simply posted the link to the story, bookended it with huge question marks, and left it at that. But I can’t. Because when I read about the guy that held up a Gold Coast convenience store using bubble wrap to hide his face, I’m compelled to asked questions – questions that a single article can’t answer.

Question 1: Is this a real story?

In my defence, I imagine a lot of people asked the same thing. I imagine even more were fumbling for their desk calendars to confirm it wasn’t 1 April. I image a very small percentage of people actually tried making a mask after reading the story, just to see how productive they could be while wearing packing plastic.

Question 2: What was he thinking?

I’d like to say we’ve all been there, but I can’t. Who decides that a good old armed robbery will stifle the boredom at 9:45pm on a Sunday night? Based on the facts presented in the Greg Stolz article, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume the offender won’t be renewing his Mensa membership anytime soon. That being the case, perhaps we should give him bonus points for the forethought he showed by cutting breathing holes into the mask.

Question 3: How did he get away?

Does this question really need any elaboration? The guy was wearing fucking thongs, which hardly seems like the optimal choice in getaway footware. That said, if he had of had a thong blowout, he could have wrapped the mask around his foot, but one has to assume that the popping sound as he ran down the street would have made following him rather easy.

Question 4: What flavour Slurpee did he get?

See, I ask the hard questions that mainstream publications like The Courier-Mail avoid.

The police officer interviewed in The Courier-Mail story noted that the crime seemed “fairly opportunistic.” I’m trying to determine what led the Queensland Police Service to this conclusion – do you think it was the fact that the offender wore thongs, or that he made his mask out of polyethylene sourced from a random truck?

In closing, I have one final question: were they able to identify the type of knife used by the offender? If this really was a crime of opportunity, I suggest that the boys and girls in blue get any local Sizzler restaurants to do a quick audit on their steak knives…

If anyone needs me, I’ll be selling rolls of plastic to ski shops – I hear that the “Bubble Wrap Balaclava” is going to be all the rage this winter.

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